Tuesday Morning Thoughts
A very good morning to all of you.
Thank all of you who were kind enough to share. And, a very special thank you to Mistress Diane for her well though out contribution to the blog. As she says femdom is not just about having a husband who does house work, it is about discovering his and her secret self, and the intimacy that goes along with it. Above all femdom is a way of showing love and building trust in a relationship.
In a way this is such a profound statement that the blog could really be closed down here and now without an additional word. Mistress Diane statements encapsulates the essence of what a femdom marriage is all about.
When we talk about femdom relationships we are talking about love, intimacy, trust, commitment and giving. And yes there is a definite place for pusnishment. Make no mistake about it, but femdom type relationships have a way of breaking down unless the wife is willing to punsh. Without punishment men have a tendency to louse respect for the wife's authority in the marriage. In a metaphorically way a wife must be willing to wield the whip when necessary. In some marriages the whip is a physical reality. On the blog I have a tendency to stay away from comments related to spanking, but will acknowledge that spanking is an important element of many marriages. From this blog many of you know that my daughter has no issue with using the hairbrush on her husband's rear end. Some men need this form of punishment as a firm reminder of who wears the pants in the relatiosnhiip. Having said that please stay away from comments that feature spanking as this is more of a male fetish than a
necessary element of most femdom relationships.
Love you all for reading. Love you for all sharing. And, please take a moment to give Mistress Diane a thank you for sharing her story with you.
Kathy
17 comments:
Ms. Kathy,
You are spot on that spanking is more of a male fetish or fantasy than anything else, which in our relationship makes it all the more meaningful since I was never one to enjoy the physical aspect of a firm spanking. Sure, the embarrassment of being made to get over my Wife's lap or 'assume the position' does provide some emotional erotic thrill but to be honest, i wish it would end there. It doesn't. It ends when She wants it to end and a spanking's pain and discomfort are real punishment for me.
As you say, wives must be willing to punish and wield the whip.
Respectfully,
sissy terrie
I can see why a Femdom marriage may be stricter than a conventional marriage. Perhaps the need for punishment may be mitigated by other measures, such as the command position. Techniques that continually remind a man that he is subordinate.
Tim
I love the observations by Mistress Diane and Mistress Kathy that Femdom relationships are "about discovering his and her secret self, and the intimacy that goes along with it. Above all femdom is a way of showing love and building trust in a relationship." In my mind, the key word here is "relationship." Love, trust, affection, attachment are critical aspects of any lasting relationship, and they must be part of a Femdom relationship. It is not just a power exchange, it is two people building something greater than mutual self-gratification. And that is why a Femdom relationship must transcend male fantasies and focus on the ways of interacting that continue to build that relationship. The woman must feel treasured, valued, appreciated, loved for herself, and not just be a caricature in black leather with a whip. That means that her needs, desires, interests have to be valued and pursued by the man. Similarly, the man must be more than a dehumanized slave, he must be a valued and loved individual.
While the vanilla world would think otherwise, discipline ("punishment") of the man by the woman does not necessarily contradict this. It can help fulfill it, if used effectively. The relationship is based on an agreement about an imbalance of power and control that each must find fulfilling for the relationship to work. Women in a Femdom relationship very often do not want to punish their man. They want to love and be loved. But submissive men crave the imbalance of power and control, and if the imbalance is not maintained they begin to doubt and challenge it, much like a child or teen challenges uncertain discipline from parents. The man needs to feel his wife's control in the relationship to feel secure in it. The wife usually wants the man to freely and willingly submit and serve her, and may interpret slackness or failure to follow her directions as a lack of love and respect when it is more likely to be insecurity and uncertainty. If the woman can see discipline of her husband as a loving act, not a "mean" act, that helps him feel safe and secure and loved, then she may come to value the use of discipline more even if she does not enjoy employing it.
We always talk about how punishment affects the husband, but in my case it effected my wife more. We cruised along for years with just orgasm management as her hold on me. After a nasty argument where I disrespected her she said "I am sorry, but I am going to have to punish you". Seeing that I would accept her punishment empowered her to completely take over. In about a three month span she has, taken away my access to money, I have to ask to leave the driveway, and I am wearing my appliance 24/7 until further notice. As in my case punishment was my wife's ticket to becoming my mistress. -Alan
Kathy, thank you for the wonderful string of posts echoing Mistress Diane's observation that Femdom relationships are about discovering his and her secret self, and the intimacy that goes along with it.
It can be scary for many of us to expose that "secret self" to our spouses and s/o's, and doing so often creates real vulnerability. When the decision to be vulnerable is received with acceptance and validation, and a mirroring openness from the other, real intimacy can occur. When both partners put their naked ids out there, love can happen. It may not be as simple as the intimacy we see on the Hallmark channel, but it feels more intense.
J
Years ago, my late wife was involved with an on-line group for women in FLR situations. At one point, there was disagreement about how severe punishments had to be, with some women arguing that if his bottom isn't black and blue, you haven't spanked him hard enough; or if he isn't sobbing, you aren't doing it right. I can still hear my wife asking me what I thought about those things and I shared that the embarrassment of being, say, spanked or sent to the corner, couple with the knowledge that I'd let her down was certainly enough. She nodded and, as I recall, replied with something like "I love my husband. He's my partner. Yes, I punish him when necessary, but I see no reason to harm him, cause him undue pain, or potentially injure him. Perhaps if that's what you think you need to keep him in line, you need to think about ending the relationship."
I miss her, of course, for many reasons. But perhaps the primary one is that she loved me enough to spank me when necessary, send me the corner to think about it, and generally help me be a better husband and a better man.
I know she would have enjoyed your blog, Kathy, as I do.
Mark
Ms. Kathy (and Ms. Diane),
Thank you for your posts. Ms. Kathy, you described things so well in the first paragraph, how the intimacy between us has picked up so well since my secret has been known.
It's true that a spanking is needed from time to time to stop things from breaking down. First, because it shows my wife loves me. Second, I get lazy without it. Third, yes, I do love it -- if it's not too hard! And fourth, it sometimes DOES need to be hard to show she is in control, and I need to do better,and remember that!
Xo, cd sara elise
" Having said that please stay away from comments that feature spanking as this is more of a male fetish than a necessary element of most femdom relationships". Until I read this at the end of this post I thought you had clarified your perspective on spanking in an FLR. But now I am more confused.Is spanking an option a wife can use s you seem to say earlier or is it just a male fetish that should not be a part of my relationship.I have only started spanking my husband late last year and was having success with it, but am I just creating more problems ahead
Thanks
Edith
Greetings, Ms. Edith,
I am not speaking for Ms. Kathy or anyone else, but i do feel a comment needs to be made here. Discipline is necessary for a FLM. The kind is, of course, up to you and one that fits your own personal relationship. You are the one in control, and he seeks that control as part of your relationship. If you agree to be his dominant partner then do what needs to be done. Yes, the intimacy should increase when a man gives all control to his wife. Once he lets down his "guard" and submits then that openness allows the wife whatever tools are at her disposal to maintain the relationship - as she desires it to be.
Please don't let others influence you in how or what you must do to maintain discipline. Each relationship is different and yours is yours to decide. Getting as much information to make an informed decision is good thinking, and learning new techniques of control is also probably something to consider; but based solely on your judgement and how you see your marriage progressing.
Sincerely,
larry
Larry
Thank you for your courteous and thoughtful response to my note.Spanking him is working and I have no intention to stop doing it. But I would like to know if it has caused problems for other wives ( I am actually his girlfriend)who have made it a part of their relationship. I know he has a fetish and gets some satisfaction from it. But I also know I can absolutely discipline with spanking and get outstanding results from it when nothing else works.I don't see the problem with it that some others seems to see
Gratefully, Edith
Hi Kathy, my biggest fear when I submitted to my wonderful Diane was that she would be turned off and contemptuous of me not maintaining the usual macho persona that I had been guilty of. But she saw this and responded by asserting control by requiring obedience,requiring I act in a submissive way and by punishing me physically as well as time out. My wife has let me be who I really am and she is discovering how much she likes herself. I am retired now but I was in law enforcement, the absolute opposite of the person I am now and who I want to be Thanks Kathy and thanks to all the other wonderful people who love your blog. Love DandSNZ
Kathy
Over a period of years our marriage became a FLR. As far as punishment administered by my wife I really have to admit that it’s been a fair and balanced activity performed or more appropriately mandated by my wife, including keeping my manhood locked up in a metal chastity device. There are many who feel chastity is just a kink, a fetish. It may be that for some. In my own marriage I preferred to be lazy and pleasured myself. It was laziness and a bad habit. It’s only fair that I now wear it and refocus giving my wife long overdue attention,
Thank you Mistress Diane for a beautifully written statement of what a FemDom relationship is at its core. It's all about loving someone they way the want and need to be loved. I read it and re-read it several times. I'm also planning to share it with my spouse. I wish everyone safety and good health.
Dear Ms. Edith,
I am glad that Your decision to use spanking as a tool in Your relationship is working so well. That is a great help in maintaining both the physical and mental dominance that submissive men need, want and desire; even if they don't particularly like it at the time. It can be very effective, giving both pleasure or discipline; both an act of love. But at this point, I'd much rather we carry this discussion off-line and just between the two of us, rather than become a wank session that is not appropriate here on Ms. Kathy's blog.
I've had quite a bit of experience and can explain what happens mentally, physically and emotionally with many physical activities so if You are truly interested in hearing more from me, please ask Mistress Kathy to send You my private e-mail address. i'd be more than happy to explain how this works and why it works so well.
Most sincerely,
larry
A Femdom marriage is a two way street, at least for me. I wanted such a woman, but I had to understand I would have no say. We have a strong marriage, financially well off, my stress level is not there. When we got married, it was discussed, the only part that I got was the spankings would be over her lap. What she decides to spank me with is her choice, I'm either naked, or she bares my bottom. It works for us, that is all that matters.
Mistress Diane,
i would like to add my thanks for Your well thought out and informative statement. It is quite evident that You, like Mistress Kathy, have known and used discipline as a way of enforcing the needed dominance over Your husband out of love and concern for the marriage.
Sincerely,
larry
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