Sunday, December 30, 2018

Punishment, A Quick Aside

Before thanking Tina for sharing her situation with me there was one more question for her.

What started off as a Saturday afternoon movie with her husband and friend  turned into something much 'more'. My question was the same as I almost always ask to the readers of the blog. What I most wanted to understand  was how she felt about the experience.

Tina's response came relatively quickly. She was not sure how she felt, but she was not happy.. She was confused and conflicted. The femdom business, she said, began as a game. When her husband first asked her about a chastity appliance she said no. He, however, pushed for it. When she would ask what he would like for his birthday the chastity device once again came up. He told her that wearing the device might help him concentrate on his studies. (As he put it the appliance might get his mind off of sex). Against that background she knew he had been masturbating, and wanted to find a cure for what she considered was a nasty habit that distracted him from both her and his work.

In the final email Tina told me that she felt more than a little uncomfortable with the way things turned out. In a sense she felt that maybe they had went too far with the games. She was not at all sure she wanted femdom as a real part of her life. She felt like she could be a mistress for her husband, but had harbored serious reservations about whether is was right for them as a couple.
As Tina escalated the situation on that Saturday afternoon she continued to hope that her husband would find the inner strength to push back. What kind of a man she asked me would willingly surrender his car keys or wallet to his wife.  I could have added what kind of a man allows his wife to order for him in a restaurant, or doesn't say a word because he has been placed in silent mode, but from experience I know most any submissive male could be trained to obey these simple directives.

From what I can gather the breaking point for Tina came when they were back at the apartment.
There was an argument over something stupid. In front of the girlfriend Tina's husband got down on his knees to beg for whatever it was he wanted.  Instead of playing the game Tina told me she slapped him hard on the face. She told him to be a man, but all he could do was to kiss her feet as a  way of apologizing. He also started to cry. In her words to me she saw him as something less than a man.

Early on in the exchange Tina mentioned that the reason for the friends visit was that her dorm was shut down for the holiday. The plan was for the friend to sleep on the sofa bed, and fly out the next day to join her family on vacation. Instead, Tina decided to have her husband sleep on the sofa. That evening she had him change the bed sheets and clean up the apartment. The words she used on him were very strong she told me.  She told him something to the effect that if he can't be a real man at least he could be a real maid.

As Tina and I visited it became more and more apparent that she wanted her story told. In my opinion the show of submission in front of the friend revealed the size of the fissure between her and her husband. As a type of accommodation to him she was willing to play the game. In the right circumstance she was even willing to offer a touch of reality. However, what she couldn't accept was the  debt of submission that her husband displayed.  In my opinion Tina is reaching for answers . What I see is a typical young wife who is striving to accommodate a husband who is pushing for more than she is willing to give. 'Where this femdom thing goes', she told me 'I don't know'.

Love, Kathy

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Punishment, A quick Aside

This has been a different type of Christmas for John and I.  We usually spend time with one or two of the children. This year they were both committed to the other family. Those of you who have married children understand exactly what I am saying. Either way we had a good Christmas with neighborhood parties and events at the golf club. The time away has given me an opportunity to catch up with emails. For a person who takes pride in returning emails I have been derelict as some of my unreturned emails go back for months.

Following the publication of 'Punishment, A quick Aide' there was an updated email from Tina.
For those of you who do not know she is the young lady who was the subject of the post. Parts of her email made me laugh. Other parts gave me a more profound understanding of her situation. Her email opened with the simple phrase to the effect that your readers must think I am a terrible bitch. What I came to realize is that to understand Tina you first need to understand her situation.

My first thought was that yes the readers may think you are indeed a bitch. Aftercall, any wife who punishes a husband in front of a friend must have something of a cruel streak in her. Tina explained that her girlfriend was in fact her best friend in college. Before marriage they had been suite mates.
As suites mates in college they were routinely accustomed to sharing information about the guys they dated. Speaking as a former college girl I can tell you that this is not unusual in any way shape or form. She had already shared the story about her husband, then boyfriend, being on the submissive side. In some ways this may seem strange, but from what I can gather she considered it kind of a sweet spot rather than a criticism.

Over the past year Tina's friend had been over to the apartment on numerous occasions. On a couple of those occasions she had allowed the husband to fix and serve dinner. The way Tina described it there was nothing much kinky about it. The husband enjoyed serving, and they enjoyed bossing him around in a light hearted manner. Sometimes they would go out to a local club leaving the husband at home. It was not to be kinky, it was more that he had a 'ton' of studying to do as he was in law school.
They would Uber to the club, and  call him for a pick up. If he wasn't to busy they would have a night cap together, and to tease him  would talk about the guys that asked them to dance. The point of what she was trying to tell me, I think, is that the friend was already aware of the nuances of their relationship.

On the particular day Tina tells me that she was aware of traffic issues on the expressway. She was not so much trying to order him which way to go as much as she was trying to give him advice. Instead, he took a chauvinistic attitude that he knew best, and this is what seemed to cause her discomfort with the situation. The fact that he took this attitude in front of her friend added to the hostilities of the moment. Arriving at the theater she felt that this was not a situation to simply ignore.
They had been playing femdom games. She remembered a statement I had made in an email that a well disciplined man will willingly wait both on you and for you.

The words that Tina used in her email were simply that she seized the moment. It would do him good, she thought, to be punished for being disrespectful to her. Her girl friend from the dorm might be a little surprised, but it was not the end of the world she told me. Once again the girlfriend had been involved in some of their femdom games. As I read this part of her email the thought occurred to me was what is so wrong  if anything with having a sweet submissive husband serve dinner to you and a friend.  

The interesting part of the experiment was not so much the punishment, but the husband's response to it. He couldn't believe she told me that I really had the balls to punish him. Yes, he was embarrassed she told me, but it was also like something he had been waiting for. In the restaurant and on the way back to the apartment she gave her husband the command of silence. In the past this command had been a part of some of their play sessions. The difference was that this time it was not play.

The email exchange with Tina went back and forth several times. From the first email I remembered that the husband was locked. My question to Tina was would he had accepted her punishment if not for the fact that there was a chastity device placed around his private parts. She wasn't really sure she told me, but her feeling was that having her guy locked made it easier for him to accept punishment.
My other question to her was would you have really kept him locked for a month if he had disobeyed your commend. That response was an unquestioned yes.

Love Kathy

Sunday, December 23, 2018

Punishment, A Quick Aside

In the last posting the comment was made that some of the best punishments are the simplest. In that regard I would like to share a story with you about a young woman who has been reading the blog for about a year. We have emailed back and forth on a few occasions and I have gotten to know her basic situation. She and her husband are both college students living in married housing at a private university. If I read her emails correctly she is an undergraduate. Her husband is in law school. They are in what I call the experimental age. They are young, newly married, and away from the traditional restraints of family and long term friends.

Shortly before being married last year the husband came to her with a request to have something of a female led relationship. According to what she told me, 'he liked the idea of her being in control'.
The concept of her being in control was never something she ever wanted, but she was open to experimentation. In the beginning he described himself as something of a service submissive. He liked to do house hold cleaning and laundry and generally take care of things for her. The caveat was that he needed to do things at her command. In the emails she told me that she was fine with the concept. She had no problem with him cleaning the toilets and changing the bed sheets if that was what a femdom relationship was all about.

After a few months of married life he asked if she would collar him. He also asked if she would lead him through the apartment on a leash. In her words that was too wacky for her and she said no.
They did get into some femdom games, and he developed the custom of calling her mistress.
She emphasized it was all about fun and she did not take the idea of being her husband's mistress
seriously. In fact she tells me that she kind of giggled every time he called her mistress.

One part of the femdom experience she did enjoy was having her husband pick up and wash the dinner dishes. According to he emails they would sit and talk at the table until she gave him the command to pick up. He usually responded with a yes mistress type remark. She enjoyed the luxury of relaxing while he spent the ten or fifteen minutes necessary to pick up and make lunches for the next day. In a sense it gave her the feeling of what it was to be a real mistress, and there was a part of her that liked it.

A part of their femdom games involved punishment. In the beginning the so called punishment was nothing more than play. It often involved one of those play floggers that is good for show, but doesn't hurt. One a couple of occasions she wrote to me for ideas. I recommended corner time which can be a real punishment if you keep the guy on his knees long enough. I also recommended the idea of sending him to the store with a ribbon in his hair. Once or twice she went in the store after him, but pretended she didn't know who he was. It was fun to laugh at him while watching other people's reactions.  At one time he asked if he could wear some of her underwear. Her things were really too small. So, for his birthday present she took him to the plus size store to buy panties for him.
That turned out better than she expected as the young sales girl was very accommodating.

 On several occasions he  made a request to wear a chastity appliance with her as his key holder. At the time she told me that the request 'kind of' scared her. He gave her some books and mentioned a few web sites that might help her learn more about these devices. It took her a while to understand, and even then she told me that she just went along with him as the entire concept of femdom and chastity seemed so strange. They ended up buying a device on line. She told me that it actually gave her a good feeling to know that her husband was locked and that she held the key. She mainly locked him on weekends for play. To more or less sum up her comments she told me that her husband was much more attentive while wearing device so she tended to have him wear it all weekend. She also learned to link release with his grades in law school as a way of motivating him to study harder.

Yesterday evening I received a really cute email from this young lady. Along with a girlfriend she and her husband decided to attend a movie last Saturday afternoon.  On the way to the movie she instructed him on which route to take. On his own the husband decided to take another route and got the three of them stuck in heavy traffic on the expressway. When they finally arrived at the theater, she tells me, she calmly instructed her husband to hand over  his wallet, along with the keys to the car.  For not following instructions she told the husband that he would not be attending the movie with them, but would instead remain waiting on the outside of the theater. The look on the husband's face was incredible she told me. As was more or less usual for a Saturday he was wearing the chastity appliance. She then added that unless he wanted to stay locked for the for the next month he had better be there waiting there as they exited the theater.

This lady went on to tell me that he is the one who wanted a femdom type arrangement. On that day he got he got a taste of what real femdom was all about she told me. Her girlfriend thought it was a 'hoot', and they laughed about it for the rest of the afternoon while teasing him about what a good movie it was. She was not sure which part of the punishment was the most effective, the boredom of waiting, or the humiliation in front of her girlfriend.

After the movie the two girls decided to go for a drink and snacks. 'Would you like to come in with us', she asked the husband. 'Yes', he replied. She said something to the effect that she hadn't heard an apology from him. 'I'm sorry' he replied. "I'm Sorry who", she made a point of answering in front of her friend. "I'm sorry, Mistress." he nervously answered with a bow of his head. From what she tells me the girlfriend was more than a little surprised by the exchange, and they latter shared a giggle at the husband's expense.

In the restaurant she couldn't help but talk about the experience with her girlfriend. 'He really wants you to boss him around', the girlfriend asked on several occasions. Her feeling was that in a strange sought of way her husband was really enjoying the humiliation of being totally outed in front of this friend. Once, when he started to speak, she showed him the key and told him to be quite while the women were talking. 'Yes mistress', he responded.  She even took the step of ordering for him. My interpretation of the experience was that it put the husband into a deep state of 'sub space' where by he was totally under his wife's authority. On that Saturday afternoon this couple was not playing at femdom as she was really the one who was in control. She had the courage to use her female authority in a way that taught her husband a useful lesson about obedience. She pressed the envelope in a way that her husband never expected.

Can any of you relate to this experience?

Love you all for reading.


Wednesday, December 19, 2018


Well, I think we had some really great comments to the last posting.

Discipline is a difficult concept to explain, but when it is there you know it.

Just about all of you know my story. It began with Tara and the studio. This young lady preferred to work with couples. She loved the feeling of watching a wife learn the ways of being an effective mistress to her husband. She often commented that if more women learned to use their natural authority over their men the divorce rate would be much lower. Tara detested the dungeon word that is most commonly used by women in the trade. Her establishment was a studio or a place where artist and sculptors worked. She though of herself and her girls as artist. In spite of having a certain common core of needs, every client was unique. It was up to us to us to identify those special needs.  She understood the courage it took for a man to open up to his wife about his need for female authority. She also understood the courage it took for a woman to accompany her man to the studio.

One of the good things Tara did was to form a small number of us into a group. At one time we would meet every month, talk about things, and sometimes cry on one another's shoulders.  It was such a blessing to have friends in the lifestyle. On  more than one of those monthly meeting we discussed the issue of punishment. On the day before one of the women had punished her husband with a spanking and corner time. One of the other women asked if the punishment was really for the husband's benefit or for her benefit. 'What do you mean', was the reply. 'Well, was the purpose of the punishment to make you feel better or him worse' was the answer.  That got us into the issue of punishment and its purpose.

What we kind of decided  was that the purpose of punishment was to make a man feel 'badly' for offending us in some way. It was easy for our group to identity ways in which our guys caused us to be become angry -talking back, disobedience, cheating, or simply lack of respect. What we agreed upon was that the method of punishment was not important. What was more important was the context in which the punishment was given. We had to be serious about it. Punishment was not about playing some type of femdom game. What we realized was that a simple punishment such as taking away a fishing trip or football game could be more beneficial than a spanking. In the right context a dose of humiliation could also be beneficial. Among us girls having a guy wear a ribbon in his hair could be funny and embarrassing for him, but it was not really punishment. Having him wear the same ribbon on the streets or in a public store could send a message. Likewise, having him wear the ribbon in front of another man -subject to cat calls and such could be a way of teaching your guy a lesson that he was likely to remember for along time.

One of the things we all learned from Tara was that if your husband wants you to be the boss than it was best to become the boss. What was important was to elevate the femdom experience from the level of a game to becoming a real mistress who expected obedience. In the that regard the purpose of punishment was to send a message that you are indeed the mistress and he is the one who has pledged to obey.  A punishment as simple as replacing a football game with extra house work was generally more effective than a more elaborate punishment that was more like a game for him. We also learned that being a mistress to a man was nothing to be ashamed of. She taught us to take pride in who we were and what we had accomplished with our men. In her words women who punished were women of substance. And, she made the point that what submissive men most needed in their lives was a woman of substance who could take control of him. Punishment, she said was about love, not hate.

On an everyday basis I try to live my life as a woman of substance. We love, we kiss and we hold hands, but behind the affection is a reminder of who wears the pants in our relationship.  As a mistress wife, a woman of substance, punishment is both a right and a duty. Punishment is part of the control process that makes our relationship work. It is like the oil in an engine that allows the parts to turn and rub together. And yes, it is part of the artistry that comes with managing the man whom I love.

Love you all for reading. Have a great Christmas.


Tuesday, December 11, 2018


As I am writing the words for this posting John is in Command Position in front of me.

A few minutes ago John delivered my first cup of coffee of the morning. Yes, his little curtsy was both polite and respectful as it should be, but it was also very sweet. Being a mistress wife is not about forcing a man to do things he doesn't want to do. It is about giving him the freedom and discipline to be the person he wants to be. As a woman I am fortunate to have such a sweet loving man as my husband. What doesn't always come out correctly in the blog is that he takes pleasure in serving me. John sees himself as a slave, my slave, and he loves the feeling of belonging to me.

What took me a long time to understand is that John has a natural need for female authority in his life. Thirty years ago I would never have thought that a grown man would have a need for female authority. The studio experience taught me that male need for feminine control is much more common than anyone would suspect. It is not universal, but it is real. As a society that is supposed to be liberally educated it is something that we seem to turn a blind eye to.

Training John to respond to the snap of my fingers by dropping into Command Position is a part of our family discipline program. A person not fariliar with submissv men who has not been initiated into the ways of the male personality might wonder how could a woman train a man in this fashion. Surely, the person would say that a healthy intelligent man in today's society could never be trained to perform this humiliating action. Yet, here is my husband who as an educated engineer with leadership experience desires nothing more than being the living chattel of a wife who takes total charge of him. The locked collar John wears around his neck is a pleasing reminder that he belongs to me. And yes, the collar is a pleasing reminder to both of us. John once told me that he feels naked without his collar.

The exercise this morning is part John's program of discipline. It is not punishment. As I hit the keys on the computer I glance at John to confirm his body remains perfectly still as is expected of him. As his wife I love him. As his mistress I take pride in fact that he is obedient and  under my control. By this time my coffee is becoming colder. It is time to give him the command to 'kneel up' so that we can talk about the activities of the morning. There will be some chores. The house needs to be made ready for Christmas. Carol, our neighbor, has also asked if John might help her husband with moving some furniture. Yes, of course, I replied, what time would you like me to send him over I asked.

It may sound simple, but learning to 'direct' instead of 'asking' is kind of a challenge for most women.
Tara taught me that the simplest commands are often the best. John is now kneeling up. My touch on the cup's edge is my way of directing him for a refill. 'Yes Mistress' is his reply as he rises. In the kneeling up position he is allowed to speak without permission. A man who takes pride in his service is a treasure. My job is less about punishment than it is about giving John the structure he needs to be a contented submissive man living under the authority of his wife.

So tell me how many of you 'get' this posting? How many of you understand the feeling of wearing a collar? In many femdom families the function of the collar has been replaced by a chastity device.
And though John has never had the experience of being locked, an appliance would make an excellent Christmas gift. He is hopeful. How many of you are hoping to be locked for Christmas?

Love you for reading.



Wednesday, December 5, 2018


It seems like I have been away from the blog for so long. John and I were out of town for Thanksgiving.  This, however, was a special year. Our son, his wife and baby were able to join us for part of the weekend. And yes, once again I am a grandmother.  Having the Thanksgiving celebration in Becky's home made it all the more special. And, in her home Becky is the boss. Each year Becky and her husband seem to grow closer together. Each year she seems to grow more confident both as a woman and as a mistress. We don't understand the why of it, but for some men having a mistress in their life is a requirement for happiness. David is one of these men.

It has been many months, Becky tells me since she has felt the need to spank David with the hair brush. What surprised me is that she made the comment in front of both him and John, and did so with a smile. For a moment I may have detected a slight blush on David's face, but he handled the remark extremely well. While Becky meant the remark as a compliment, statements such as this in front of another man can sometimes cause difficulty. With the remark I could see David's face glancing toward John in an effort to gage his reaction.

David has become a model of the new age male who takes pride in service/obedience to his wife. He understood Becky's comment as the compliment it was meant to be, but saying it in front of John was a mistake. When your man behaves well, or simply pleases you in some way there is noting wrong with complimenting him. Sometimes a compliment can be as simple as a little kiss on the cheek. Becky has developed the habit of giving David a love tap on his rear as a sign of her appreciation.
In some ways I believe the love tap is a better form of reward than a kiss as it is also a reminder as to  wears the pants in the relationship.

When the children were growing up we enrolled them in various sports programs. Becky played volleyball and tennis. Our son was more into baseball and football. A part of what we wanted was for them to enjoy playing the game. Another important part of sports was learning discipline.
While the term was difficult to define we wanted them to understand the importance of rules and of protocols. We wanted them to understand the importance of being there on time, of trying their best, and being a part of something that was bigger than just the individual.

Just as baseball players accept the discipline that comes with being a member of the team, men need to accept the rules and protocols of the house. As I recall this was a must for clients of the studio.
For example men were never allowed to ever touch a female unless given permission. They were only allowed to speak when a woman asked a question or other wise gave them permission. In the home the rules may not be as severe as in the studio, but there are rules that govern male behavior in the home. In our home John is expected to perform a polite curtsy when brining my morning coffee.
When summoned  with the call bell he is required to immediately stop what he is doing, and come to me. Anytime he sees dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter he is expected to pick them up. These are just small examples of the many rules that help to establish the framework of our lives.

Most of the rules and protocols of our home are fairly normal for a couple in our lifestyle.  Some of the rules are clearly articulated, some are simply understood. It is these rules and protocols that form the basis for what I call discipline. By being taught these things john has become what I call a disciplined man. Like the baseball player who fails to follow the rules of the game John will be punished for a failure to follow the rules of his home. As his mistress it is my responsibility to insure that John understands the rules. It is my responsibility to train him to do things my way. As a side note many of you may remember what Key's book said on the issue of doing things her way. This is part of the process I call discipline.

The question than becomes when and how do we discipline. The when is that we do it every day.
Men have no idea how easy it is to discipline them. Most of the time they don't realize it is happening. Women have a type of natural authority over men. It is quite, it is subtle, but it is real.
Many men are effectively living in something of a female led marriage without even realizing it.
If you were to ask them the response would be that they are not in a female led or femdom marriage, but in reality the wife has trained them to obey and make her the center of their lives. If they were to ask the wife if she wanted a femdom marriage she would most probably answer in the negative.
However, in reality it is the wife that controls things, and the man lives to please her.

Having men respond to your voice, your smile, your touch is a part of what makes being a woman so very special.

Love you for reading,