In the earlier part of this series a comment was made that it is time for femdom to transition from something of a fetish to a lifestyle. I could not agree more. It may seem strange to many of you, but in my opinion it is the women who are rejecting the lifestyle more than the men. For every one woman who writes to me there are ten men who are interested in exploring it. More than anything else there is an obsessives with punishment in popular femdom liataure. While there is a place for punishment femdom books seem to specialize in whips, nipple torture and almost any evil device that has been known to medieval mankind. In my opinion it is this aspect of popular culture that turns women off to the concept of female leadership in the home.
All of you know I enjoyed reading book three of Dancing Backwards. I enjoyed it for the story line which was well thought out and for the description of the femdom families. If most of the whips and chain stuff had been taken out I would have enjoyed the book even more. Why is it that we must somehow associate female leadership with punishment. Once again there is a place for punishment, but it is not all pervasive in our relationships. In my relationship punishment takes second place to positive reinforcement. And, when punishment is used it is likely to be corner time or a withdrawal of privileges rather than the whip.
Some of you may ask if I even own a whip. Hanging on our bedroom wall is the old riding crop that
John and I took out of my uncle's born. Earlier readers of the blog will remember the story of my uncle and the dogs he raised for hunting. While John is responsible for keeping the leather soft and shinny, the crop has never been used on him. It is not who I am. Even my daughter who began femdom with disciplinary spankings of her husband tells me that positive reinforcement works so much better. And, I for one can see the difference in her guy. He remains respectful of her, yet he is no longer nervous in her presence. Like my John he takes his pleasure from pleasing her. Most of his pain come from knowing that in a certain situation his efforts have fallen short.
This past spring I asked Becky about how she was doing. 'You know, mom', she said 'I can take charge of David without the hairbrush spankings'. She went on to say that he is a naturally submissive man, he wants to do as I tell him, and with the right discipline tools there is no need for the spankings.' What I noticed in her was a higher degree of self confidence. And, as I have said many times on this blog, self confidence if the key to being an effective mistress for a man. I can even see this in how she interacts with her father. She is very self assured. If she tells her father to do something she expects him to comply. You may recall the earlier posting in this series when I asked john who it was that Kelly reminded him of. I expected him to say me, but responded with Becky.
As in the story Becky has the same type of confidence that Kelly shows in interacting with her father.
When they are together she is the boss and they both know it.
For femdom to become mainstream we need to find the courage to talk with our daughters. We need to find the courage to be more open about our lifestyle. We need to have them understand that this is not some type of a lifestyle invented on an outer planet, but that real people here on earth are living it.
What do all of you think?
Love, Kkathy
12 comments:
First, I want to say how wonderful it is for me that you are posting again. It is a gift I don't take for granted.
As to the thrust of this post, I've thought the same for years. Women are turned off at their first exposure by all the fetishes. Sadly, that first exposure is often at the hands of a spouse or partner, and so their distaste for the fetish multiplies the threat they feel this partner's revealed interest has to their relationship. It's tough to recover from that start.
The beginning has to be somehow providing an awareness of this type of relationship to young women in a non-sexualized environment. Perhaps it is their mother, but that takes many generations to spread. My theory is there are 3-10% of men who, if they are not in a female-led relationship, will spend their entire lives longing for one. (I am one of those men). I have a hunch there are an equal number of women who would both enjoy such a relationship and be willing to make the investment to develop one, IF they had a real idea of what it entails, beyond the ignorant presentation in the popular press. The only way to reach this audience is probably through media, articulated by real, normal couples who have found bliss in a FLR. That's a big ask for most people.... and certainly for people like you and John that are not trying to make a public statement, but rather just live your lives.
There is the further problem of how the women and men find each other, but if there was a) true desire among both sexes, and b)it was de-stigmatized to some extent, then nature could at least help things along.
I suspect that this emphasis on punishment-and the weapons for inflicting it-comes from BDSM. Which seems to be an interest of a small minority.
I wouldn't be surprised if an image of a Dominant Woman would also come from BDSM-an Ice Queen in fetish wear who likes to use these weapons to inflict pain on a tied up male. (This is an impression I have gotten from reading the Domme-Chronicles).
Dominant Women don't fit into a patriarchal world view. Really, the idea of a healthy, loving FLR is obscure.
Tim
There might be no greater self improvement program for a man than femdom. If your wife rations sexual release, this boosts testosterone levels because your body thinks it is not reproducing and tries to do something about it. The beautiful caveat is the testosterone is direct towards her pleasure. At home, I have not watched a television program for fifteen years on my own because my wife monopolizes the television in the evening. This is great because television (aka talmudvision) has all sorts of degeneracy and moral filth that would corrupt me, but my wife can handle it because women are so much more mature than men. I have not been allowed to go out and have a beer with the boys, and that is great because beer is just estrogen in liquid form, many of these beer drinking boys have become fat slobs with girly faces over the years. People used to laugh at me because my wife allowed me to only own a flip phone while she gets all the latest electronics. But I am getting the last laugh because I don't waste my life on social media and using the latest version of smart phone to order made in China junk from Amazon that breaks down in two weeks. The awesome flip side is that dying to myself so my wife can live has given me an inner peace and spiritual meaning that is beyond anything I could have imagined.
Joel
I suspect that some of the males who are obsessed with punishment are pain fetishists who are not necessarily into femdom to any great degree. Conversely, a man might genuinely want to submit to a woman but have no great interest in physical punishment. Personally I have no interest in severe punishment but I find the idea of being spanked very arousing. Not because of the pain, but because of the submission I feel when my partner tells me that I have been a naughty boy and I am now going to be spanked on my bottom.
Stewart
I am in total agreement with "unknown" above, but would add that we have always had dominant and submissive males and dominant and submissive females. As we grow up in society, the expectations of each sex is different so more females defer their natural tendency to lead so that they can have a family. As our society has changed, the values of each have changed. We are more accepting of a strong female leader. We are less inclined to accept a non-dominant male though, that is the cause for John's embarrassment in the plus size ladies garments.
My final comment here though is that it takes a strong man to submit to his lady. The male ego and all the testosterone flowing through his body must be put under control before he can accept her control. Each relationship will be different in the amount of control each has and what is expected and what is needed.
Thank You, dear Kathy for coming back to us and giving us Your insight and sharing Your experiences.
larry
I have started to notice hints of another dynamic at work, different from the the classic Dominant/Submissive dynamic.
In an early thread (Morning Thoughts, May 3, 2017), Dan indicated that he obeys his wife, but states that he is not a natural submissive. A recent post by Peppa to the Domme-Chronicles (the thread "My Gentleman: Part III) seems to indicate something similar.
What I suspect is happening is that a man-who is not a natural submissive-has married a Dominant Woman. The man may have a strength of will that is average for a male, but the Dominant Woman has a will that is stronger than his.
For such a relationship to work, the man would have to be willing to abandon the patriarchal demand that the male must be dominant in the relationship.
Tim
Dear Kathy,
I do agree with you completely. For me its all about, what I call, natural dominant women and with that i mean women who are dominant and not play a dominant role. Women who expect to be obeyed and I think you mean that with confidence.
So its not about the clothing, the whips etc but about confidence and taking control as a lifestyle and not as a kink, but I think punishment is needed to deal with slacking subs. I believe a natural domme wont accept slacking off and will deal with it and this has nothing to do with kink but is part of who you are and as a sub I must say I need this too, I dont like it when I get away with slacking off.
So if you rule out the kink, a lifestyle remains and I believe also that more men than women need/wants this, dont know why though :-)
Thank you again for posting, love tiptease
I don't expect femdom-once it matures-will emphasize the weapons of physical punishment the way BDSM does. Or fetish wear.
We may see a new set of norms that are independent of BDSM. For example, I don't believe that the command position is a part of BDSM.
Tim
I have occasionally scribbled down comments from Femdom blogs/web sites.
This was a reddit post:
"An obvious hiccup in your plans to dominate as a woman is that you very well might weigh much less than your man, or be less physically strong. Thus you might not feel that you can physically 'back up' your words. As valid as this concern is, remember that domination does not have to involve physical force; its a mental game."
Quoting Ferns from the Domme-Chronicles:
"It's not easy to define why I feel it with some men and not others. For the most part, I feel like my *will* is just stronger and submissive men with whom I fit feet that also...."
Tim
Hi Kathy,
I too am glad to see you have been writing. More power to you :). Today I was completing an assigned chore and doing laundry while listening to your posts (and the posts of others on my phone). There is a trick to have siri read text and I use that to multitask while doing housework.
To my point. You made the comment that although you sometimes resort to punishment - corner time or removal of privileges, you mostly use positive reinforcement. You stated as well that your daughter finds the positive to work much better than the negative.
The web is filled with punishment. How nice it would be for you to dedicate a series of posts to delving into the use of positive, rather than negative, to both motivate and keep the submissive slave you love most happy and emotionally close to you.
Thanks again for sharing your thoughts.
I'm Hers
I don't suppose that the Pizza Story applies to someone like Dan. Actually, I don't know how that dynamic would work.
Though perhaps the dynamic is similar to the marriage depicted in the TV series "keeping Up Appearances". At one point the husband comments that his marriage is like being in the Army-he just follows orders.
Tim
Unknown mentioned a problem-how do the women and men find each other? In one book (otherwise unrelated to this blog) the author mentioned the formation of furry fandom. The scattered individuals found each other by way of the Internet. Eventually enough people found each other to birth a new subculture.
Tim
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