Yes, of course, one of the comments was that the student becomes the teacher. And, it should be added that nothing creates more pride in the heart of a teacher than having a student who surpasses her in most every way. What Becky has confirmed to me is that femdom is about love, about family, and about commitment.
One of the other commenters seemed to suggest that boys have a way of growing older without really growing into maturity. There have been times when I have agreed with this statement. Friends will sometimes tell me that their husbands do nothing all day except watch what ever stupid game may be on the television. Yes, I think these so called men are really in an advanced state of adolescence.
In most situations I am not ready to mentally condemn men into some type of perpetual adolescence.
Men do develop, they do mature, but the process is slower than it is with women. At eighteen years of age Becky was more mature than most men in their twenties. She was serious about her career and her studies. She definitely was several years more advanced than her older brother. When the children were younger, and it was necessary to put one of them in charge, it was always my inclination to make it Becky. John has always felt that putting Becky in charge would cause conflict with an older bother, and he usually won out. Still though, on those adult nights out I would have felt more comfortable knowing that Becky was responsible for the house and in charge of her brother.
Over time men do mature in ways that are different than women. Their interest are different. They are often more protective. Even as my slave, my submissive or whatever term is hung on John, I still think of him as my protector. More than anything else I have been criticized for saying that most women, including myself, feel better about life with a male protector. It is not only about physical safety. We need a guy to talk with, to love, and in ways to keep us grounded. I have often used the expression to keep us safe from the storm.
A reader might ask how does this need for a protector blend in with femdom. The question might be asked why does a dominant woman need a male protector. In a conversation Becky once told me that she had learned to like being a mistress to her husband. Wanting a better understanding of what was on her mind, I asked Becky to tell me more. 'Mom', she said, 'since we started this femdom thing David has made me the center of his life'. 'Yes, he still thinks of work and stuff like that, but nothing is as important to him than me.' She went on to say that it was a very special feeling to having another person so completely devoted to her.
Many of the feeling she expressed to me were kind of the same as I had with John. Not when he first came home, but weeks and moths later as our relationship developed. It may sound crass to say it in this way, but as his training took hold and he understood more about being my submissive our relationship improved. To say this another way John learned more about what it took to please me, and he concentrated on doing a good job of it. He learned that pleasing a mistress means not only washing, ironing, and cleaning for her, it means serving her in whatever capacity she needs. And sometimes we just need a man to hold our hand and say he loves us.
Putting all of this in prospective men are different from women. The submissive man needs female control. He needs to know that she is holding his leash and is willing to pull it tight when the need arises. This past winter Becky and her family adopted a puppy. It was a sweet puppy, but it needed discipline and training. Becky repeated to me what the instructor told her about control. Throughout the walk, she said, make sure that the puppy understands you are boss. If the puppy jerks you or wants to chase after a cat don't hesitate to pull the leash tight. And, never remove the leash into you are safely within the confines of the fenced yard or house. In this way the puppy learns that there is never a time when it can run for freedom.
As Becky and I were having this conversation abut the new pet we both understood that it had broader implications for our lives.
Love, Kathy
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25 comments:
Being submissive to my wife is not a formal arrangement. It has developed over time. As a boy, we were taught to always be respectful of girls; to hold their chair, open doors, help them with their coats. As things progressed, boys always walked on the outside and kept their strong hand free to protect the girl. This mind-set was ingrained in us. It was not seen as submissive at the time, but always that boys should protect girls. As things changed and I grew up, protecting and providing for the family was the main goal in life. While I did that, my wife was the heart and one who guided the children and told me what was needed. I never thought that was submissive either, just informative on a joint effort. Control, was just assumed over time. I have had no problem with that as she is very intelligent but can always rely on me. As the kids grew up, they needed less from us, so my focus become to bear more and more on her and her wants and needs. Her being "in charge" just fits us. If she objects to something, I have no problem not doing it. If I want something, we talk about it first and rarely, if ever, do we do anything but what she decides.
I guess we've developed a "stealth femdom" relationship. She was raised to be a submissive and I was raised to be a dominant male; as society and our parents would have it. It's been over 50 years now, and I am content to cook and clean and focus on my beautiful lady. So, as it exists in our relationship; I am still the strong protector and provider but my focus over the last ten plus years has been solely on her. Her leash is simply her word. Her dominance is not physical, but its still very real.
Perhaps, I am like a well trained older dog that "heels" without a leash and walks beside her because that is my place. I obey her because that is how things are done. There is no drama, no fighting, just enjoying having her in control and me being able to focus on her is enough for us.
For Larry,
Thank you sweetie for the very well written comment. Looking back at my childhood home, my family was very much like yours.
It was last year that I discovered an old census that included my family. If I read it correctly my father was described as 'head of household'. That was very sweet, and I am sure the census was the way my mom wanted it, but really she always was the head of house and a very real authority figure for my father. Though as children we really didn't understand the dynamics of their relationship. Looking back there were so many 'tip offs' about who was in control. If I asked my father for a ride on Saturday night he would ask my mom if it was all rite. Eventually I just started asking mom if daddy could give me a ride, and she would tell him what to do and when. Once or twice when my friends were late from a dance he would gently scold me by saying mom will be mad if we come home too late. He was a very sweet and loving man and the best father a family could have. If you are anything like him your wife is truly fortunate.
Into the age of the internet even adults didn't have a concept of the idea of male submission. We are fortunate today in that there in venue to talk about things that were once swept under the rug. And you know there is nothing wrong with having an older,well trained husband who lovingly heels without a leash. Yes, but in my experience even a man like you sometimes needs the feel of the leash and collar around in next just to know that the woman in his life is really in control? This might be a good subject to talk about.
Any comments?
Love, Kathy
In this day and age women have spoken loud and clear, for this male I have heard, and find it refreshing that the "weaker sex" is not. Dating all ages of women, find the older enjoying the role more. Have found a woman, my age, divorced, stated the next time she marries if she does, she will be in charge. Enjoy this, less stress, sitting is hard sometimes, so will see where this relationship goes.
Dear Ms. Kathy,
You see my situation quite well and read between the lines even better. I do think you are right and I also think that feeling a collar and leash would help keep some of my more independent thoughts and actions under control. Others have often referred to "maintenance spankings" just to reestablish and/or maintain that control. I'll speak to her and see how that fits into her mind-set. This may be an opportune time to grow in Femdom.
Having a completely open and honest communication with her about the need for physical restraint may be tough - for both of us.
Does anyone else find a reluctance to be as open as Ms. Becky and David?
Has anyone else found a studio/dungeon experience heightened or detracted from their relationship?
Thank you
Sincerely,
larry
Well John, may I ask why you are looking at a femdom blog.
Of course, I am not sure about John, but his comment does illustrate the popular attitude toward submissive men. Well, things are changing. Within a generation or two my guess is that most young women will be looking for submissive men as life partners.
Love, Kathy
Hello Ms Kathy. One of the underlying issues and in my opinion the white elephant in the room seems to be that neither you or Becky sought out this lifestyle. Having now lived as a dominant wife I would be curious if either of you would seek out a submissive male if you had the chance for a " do over". This lifestyle seems to be an like an acquired taste for most women that they adapt too rather than one that they actually desire.
My wife continues to evolve in the lifestyle and certainly enjoys many of the benefits but I still wonder if somewhere deep inside she would be happier in a traditional relationship. I think this is why many men in a FLR accept that becoming a cuckold is a natural extension of the lifestyle. I have learned over the years to accept that a woman's sexuality is very complex. I find it very unlikely that any one man could ever completely satisfy a woman year after year. It seems that the more comfortable my wife becomes with the her dominance the more open she becomes to the attention of other men. Maybe I am crazy but I think she is growing and becoming more beautiful in her freedom.
Take care John Dalton
Mistress Kathy,
If I may address the we are all ill comment. This is not a website you just stumble upon or continue to read if you are uncomfortable with the content. My advice to him is to stay awhile and he will soon see we are not asking for his pity. Just like him on his web search we are all looking for what is missing in our lives. We just seem to know what we need. I agree with him though two generations from now we will still be few in numbers because just like him it takes courage to admit what you are looking for and what you need in life. Thank you Mistress very much for this series.
Ur Bobo
We were out of town, and i was a bit of a protector to my Wife while in a strange town.
But i wondered what She was thinking below the surface at the time. Back home, She again is in total control, and we revert to roles. ~cd sara
Hello,
What is your opinion on 50 or even 60 year old women dating submissives in their 20s and 30s?
I ask this because back when I grew up it was common for an accomplished CEO to get a secretary that could well have been in that age group and if the wife wasn-t lucky leave her for someone who could be their daughter. If she was more lucky, that secretary would just have a romance, an affair and become sometimes more like a half secret. It was not just something that happened, it was really common. And many women had nothing to really do about it because divorce was considered really horrible in those days.
So, now the tables have changed and I am a widow since 5 years ago. I'm 54 (since last week) and don't see why it would be wrong to take advantage of the growing Femdom community to advance this hot trend! If men are to serve women then what about young boys? Shouldn't they accept their natural place as the cute little trophies of older, more accomplished women? I don-t see anything wrong with this and in fact I think it totally fits with my views on Dominance, submission and the coming Matriarchy.
Kathy, what is your take?
I find that often, older = bolder! :)
Jake UK
John Dalton is clearly sub-curious, that's why he's hanging about here.
It's ok John, you're among friends now! :D
Love Jake, UK
Kathy,
I recall you writing a post about how you punished males in the New Orleans dungeon but felt that you enjoyed it too much. This was written at a time when Becky had begun using a hairbrush for punishment.
I have said it before but I get the impression that you sometimes wonder whether you should have used such punishments more frequently in your FLR. With Becky now appearing to use punishment more often, and seemingly becoming more dominant, it is natural to think more about some of the choices made when it comes to things like punishment.
Only human nature - we all self-censor in life but later on, when we see or hear of others doing certain things, we often wonder why we stopped ourselves from doing and enjoying those things also.
Daisy,
I supposed the simple question is - why not?
Life is so short and if something now is of interest to you then why not seek out a younger male submissive to turn into your slave. The BDSM dating sites seem to be full of plenty of young men in their 20's & 30's seeking a Femdom. I imagine that many have that older woman fantasy that is so common amongst young men.
When I was in my late teens and early 20's I certainly dreamt of submitting to an older Femdom. There is something about such a woman being more worldly-wise - more experienced in many things - allowing a suitable distance, even coldness, between the two people. A rightful gap of age that could manifest itself perfectly as a Mistress and slave.
Ultimately I imagine it depends on where you would want such a relationship go in the longterm?
A man in his 20's or 30's might be happy to submit for a few years, perhaps longer, but I suspect that, ultimately, the lure of someone closer to his own age would eventually appeal. That could leave you badly hurt if, over time, you develop feelings towards him.
Does it not appeal fiding a man closer to your own age and developing a longer lasting Mistress & slave relationship with him - a relationship that might last the rest of your lives? Or, perhaps, you simply do not wish that?
Whatever you decide don't let the reservations of others doing what you will enjoy and what will make you happy. Life passes by so quickly.
Absolutely. Go for it
I think there are many young men (not boys) who would to serve and be led by an older woman. I know I have had submissive feelings toward women since I was a young man.
vic
The gentleman who said submissive men are mentally ill and need therapy might not be entirely wrong. Playing around with submission to women does sometimes seem like playing around with alcohol and gambling. After a certain point, one has crossed a point of no return without realizing, and by then it is too late. Because of this, my wife could easily take me to the cleaners if she wanted to, but she chooses not to, and I am extremely fortunate. Even if she gets hit by a bus, there would be almost certainly be other women who will see my condition from a mile away and they might not be quite so benevolent.
Joel
APOLOGIES TO John DALTON...
My comment above was, of course directed at John BARHAM.
I got the names muddled up. Sorry John D!
Jake, UK
Joel
I see your point and that is why my wife has control but has done it in such a way that I’m protected for the most part. Properties are in both our names, but bank accounts are split so that my paycheck goes into my wife’s checking account, which contains only her name. There is a second check account that has both our names and she moves money there for me. Savings are in both our names but access is under her control. We sold a property a few years ago and my wife negotiated things. I was at the closing for my signature. She made the decision on the sale and told me what I was supposed to do. The point of that boring information is that control can be maintained and a man can still be safe. When I bought a new car a couple of years ago my wife mostly handled the sale and wrote the check.
For John,
Thank you so much for sharing some of your story with us.
What I hope is that you are happy and content with your life.
What I also believe is that the submissive is as good as anyone else. Being a dominant is about being in a different place than a submissive, but in terms of human value both are equal.
The difference between a dominant and a submissive is the role in life that makes them happy, but the dominant is not a better person than the submissive.
What I believe is that there are many men who are quite naturally submissive to women. These men are happiest when submitting to the authority of a woman, but societal pressure forbids them to do so. My husband is one of these submissive men. In my eyes he is the most wonderful man in the world, and I love him dearly. Yet, by nature he is submissive. To be happy he needs the firm hand of a woman in his everyday life.
Please come back, and share more of your story with us. Your views are most welcome on this blog.
Love, Kathy
All of that begs the question: When are you serving his needs and when are you serving your own?
For example: When you make your husband kneel in the corner until he is in pain, are you truly serving your needs or his? If you were to give him the option of never being subjected to that again, would he take it? Would David take the option of never being hit with Becky’s hairbrush again?
Have either of you asked your husbands these questions? If not, how do you make sure that the various things you inflict on them or force them to do are making them happy, because surely there is a point where the pain or level of servitude is so great, that their happiness is compromised.
"For example: When you make your husband kneel in the corner until he is in pain, are you truly serving your needs or his?"
You seem to assume they are mutually incompatible. Why would they be? Why must serving a submissive man's needs be a self-effacing act?
Certainly they can be mutually compatible.
The question could be reframed then to ask how one with unilateral power ensures that the submissive’s needs are being met when something is done that on its face is uncomfortable or unpleasant. In some cases, it may be unpleasant in the moment but serve his overall needs and happiness. However, at some point a line would presumably be crossed where that is no longer the case.
You could just ask, but that seems to corrupt the dynamic of having one person empowered and the other disempowered.
Do you do something else? Watch for visual cues, changes in demeanor, etc?
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