Tuesday, July 9, 2019

The Pizza Story.

One of the things about femdom is that it operates on so many different levels. The intensity of a femdom relationship maybe be relatively mild where by it consist principally of games and play dates. On those special days the wife plays the part of the mistress while the husband cleans house.
For a little bit of excitement the wife may add a flogger, or have her guy crawl around on all fours.
She may even wear special clothes while the guy remains naked. Yet, when the play session is over both husband and wife go back to their normal way of life. As long as this play works for everyone there is certainly nothing wrong with it. As a practical matter play of this type can serve as a gateway for expanding the boundaries of what a couple is willing to try. It is not unusual for a wife to find that she enjoys giving her husband a list of house hold duties to perform while she goes out with friends. In a sense this type of play adds a dose of reality to the relationship.

Sometime last year I received an email from a young lady who was in the early 'play' stage of her femdom experience. Out of the blue her husband asked if she would take away his credit cards and put him on an allowance. 'Why would he ask for that' was her question to me.  The answer to that question was very simple. The husband was looking for real control from his wife. And, for many men femdom games are just a start as to what they are looking for. My question to this lady was simply how do you feel about controlling the money. In a sense this activity of controlling the money was like adding a big spoonful of source to the pizza. The response from this lady was that she was ok with controlling the money as long as it didn't become a bone of contention between them.

As this lady and I emailed back in forth she mentioned that controlling the money was not a strange activity for her as her mother did the same when she was a child. What I suggested to her was to make the control more real by adding a separate checking account in her name only. And, every pay day have the money transferred from the joint account to her individual account. I also suggested that if there was a separate saving account or investment account have it in her name only. And, as a big step forward she might consider having her husband's weekly allowance tied directly to completion of his chore list. 'While, would he really go for that.' she asked me.

This lady and her husband were already in the habit of doing a Saturday morning play date. What all of their play dates involved I have no idea. What I suggested to her was to use the playdate as a special time to talk about his 'behavior'. Talk about his chore list for the week. Did he vacuum the house? Did he pick up the dishes after dinner? Was he on time for work? Did he louse his temper during the week? What was his overall attitude toward the chores. If you brought a girl friend over to watch a movie was he polite to her? For the most part I made the suggestion to build the chore list according to Her wants and Her needs. At the end of the week I suggested the idea of a special time for them to talk. It could be a part of their Saturday play date or not, but the suggestion to her was to keep the talk real. I even discouraged her from doing the talk in some type of a fake mistress voice.
By keeping the voice natural, I suggested, her husband would began to consider her natural feminine tone as his voice of authority. Was this something she could live with, I asked. Yes was the reply, I think.

What I was trying to do was to stress the idea that femdom needs to be about both you and him. If he wants true unbridled authority from the wife, what is it that she wants, I asked. Her response was along the lines that performing household chores was nice, but she wanted her husband to be more than just a maid who worked for an allowance. I didn't hear anything back from this lady for several months. In the updated email she told me that she gave up the entire femdom experiment. Yes, she told me that her husband was great around the house. It was nice to come home to a clean house. It was nice to have a husband who did the laundry, and allowed her time to visit with friends, but the reality was something she couldn't accept.

After dinner one evening she turned on the television while her husband was picking up the dishes and otherwise cleaning up the kitchen. Upon completion of his duties he came into the living room, knelt in front of her, and thanked her for allowing him to be her slave. Upon hearing the slave word, she lost it. At that moment, she realized, the femdom aspect of her relationship had gravitated too far from the fantasy into the reality. In the words of the commenter their was too much pizza in the relationship. That has to be a balance between what she wants and what  he wants. Or just maybe the correct words should be between his needs and what she is willing to give.

Love you all for reading.



Артём said...

I've been thinking about whether my relationship is Femdom?
We have vanilla sex, we make decisions together. I just like to please her, worship her. I consider her my queen.
Kathy, did you call my relationship Femdom?

ALL HERS said...

What a shame it ended like that. Maybe he just wanted too much from her too early. I was like that in the beginning of our WLM. I was so happy and excited that my fantasy was coming true, that my wife would make me do everything for her and I in return got tied up and whipped by her. She told me one day that she wanted her husband back, and although she really liked being worshipped, she also wanted a real man. She was tired of me asking for permission do do everything, even to rub her feet.
So we backed off, but I continued to do all of the housework after work. After a couple of months, she added some punishments for bad behavior and water stains on the bathroom mirror. So we gradually eased back into the wonderful WLM we have today. She completely controls my orgasms, only allowing me 3 per year. She loves to edge me and enjoys watching my reaction after she stops rubbing my penis thru my panties once or twice a week. I now wear panties 24/7, and occasionally a chastity device, the CB 6000.
So maybe she is reading this and will ask her guy to back off a bit and let it their WLM grow over time.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps Femdom doesn't really work for this woman?

Types of marriages:

!. Male is supposed to be dominant partner, head of the house hold. I think of this as a conventional marriage.

2. Femdom marriage. The woman is the dominant partner.

3. Egalitarian marriage. The woman and the man as equals in the relationship.

In relation to Femdom, perhaps there are several different categories of women? Off the top of my head:

1. Women for whom Femdom doesn't work for the them.

2. The naturally Dominant Women. Depending on her tastes, she may be into BDSM

3. Women for whom Femdom is an acquired taste.

Making a list for men:

1. Men with no interest in Femdom.

2. The naturally Submissive Male. Depending on his tastes, he may be into BDSM.

3. Men who aren't natural submissives, but can accept a Femdom marriage.

I have the impression (certainly no poll data) that Dominant Women and Submissive Males are sparsely represented in the population.

I suspect that some women and some men (the number threes) may be somewhat flexible. They may well end up in conventional marriages, but could also adapt to Femdom marriages.

Concerning the woman in the story, it sounds like she is really in category one. She tried Femdom, but just didn't work out for her. Indeed, it looks like she freaked out.


I'm-Hers said...

Great story. Sad story but one that is probably all too common. Unfortunately, her husband let his emotions get the best of him. In his mind his pizza had grown to be one with so many toppings and he allowed her to see into his heart. How sad she was unable to look beyond the 'slave' word and see the 'intent' of what he was expressing. Slave, sub, beta.... they are just words. They express in some rudimentary way the relationship they had. If she had been able to step back she would have seen the effort he had put into pleasing her - and that effort was an expression of his love for the woman he cared for more than anyone else.

I find the story so sad, Kathy. But it does illustrate that each person has their own comfort zone and own limits.

Anonymous said...


Good story and good reminder and lesson for us all. That there has to be a balance between what they both want I think is what making a good marriage and relationship is all about. And in a Femdom relationship, more about his needs and what she is willing to give.

As a truly submissive man, it took years to discover what Female Domination really meant...then the "light bulb".....the Female is in charge, period.

And if that means she doesn't wish to participate, then so be it. Or she sets the limits, the structure the lifestyle lightly or more moderate....truly her decision and the submissive husband may not have his deepest wishes fulfilled; but overtime learns to accept that this arrangement is truly Female Domination and placing his wife's wishes and desires first.

I can easily understand how the Woman you write about walked away.....

In the previous writing you asked if it was normal for a man to be submissive to his wife. I replied I thought it was extraordinary. In the same vein, I believe it takes extraordinary love and understanding for a Woman to accept this from her partner and then offer a lifestyle that can be fulfilling to both. Rare I believe in these days.

You are unique and rare Kathy. Extraordinarily so!


Anonymous said...

The games can easily be a distraction from the real purpose of femdom to experience women's empowerment at an up close and personal level. Gender bias is a real thing that sometimes gets in the way. Someone like my wife is really good at juggling multiple things at once, has good organizational skills, and does not let vendors rip her off. For me to think that being good at using some tools is more important than those things is an example of that gender bias. The fact is, we stay afloat because of her. Years ago, she helped me out with my parent's estate, and even saved me two separate times from being ripped of by scammers. But she soon started saying that she solved all the difficult problems and at first, I thought she was exaggerating to give herself more credit. But I realized it was my own gender bias and denial about her being superior in important skills that caused me to feel this way, and I have absolutely and fully embraced her version of events in this matter, and all matters going forward.


tiptease said...

Dear Kathy,

for me its not about the play, I need the real thing, thats why I love your comment about not using a fake voice, but to keep the talk real.
And I also think that both partners must want the same thing to make it work.
Play doesnot work for me, thats why I love you for sharing your real flm, its a joy to read that the real thing exists and it is not about the kink.

Glad you are back posting again and hope you enjoy it as much as I do..

Love Tiptease

Anonymous said...

Dear Kathy -- This is indeed a sad story. I went through much the same when my husband and I first began our WLM. It seemed so foreign to me initially, and I got to the point where I told him I couldn't do it. It didn't take long for me to see how heartbroken he was; that it was something he needed and that it was a way for him to express his love for me.

So after a couple of weeks we started again, though a bit more slowly. Over time I have become much more comfortable with being in charge of our marriage. I have no problem thinking of and referring to my husband as my slave servant and treating him as such. I have come to embrace and absolutely love our life; and I know he is as happy as ever. And we are both madly in love with each other- like newlyweds. :)

I do hope the woman in your story will give it another try.

Anonymous said...

I suspect there are quite a lot of women who have no interest in the BDSM subculture or the Mistress/slave idea, but who enjoy a mild, bottom-swatting form of domestic domination, frequently telling their partner that he is a naughty boy and that if he doesn't get the household chores done soon, he will be going over her knee for a good paddling. That is the way it is with my girlfriend and me!


Anonymous said...

Ms Kathy

Today Ms Alex Morgan became the world's best athlete and as She held up Her trophy, in those strong, Feminine arms, I felt the world is changing. Never before had a Female athlete been so recognizable, never before was Feminine Soccer so watched. As She gave Her speech, She cracked out a little rude joke about the trophy being the second best one her team got this week. She then thanked Her other "little trophy", Her husband, for being Her true team mate. You could tell who wears the pants in that relationship. I felt like everything that WAS before "masculine" has been conquered by Women because of everything She said, the way She said it, everything - from the way She joked to the way She seemed possessive of Her "teammate" to even the way She carried Herself. She is a true heroine in sports and I can tell You Her strong arms, Her strong legs, Her character and yet Her delicate skin, eyes and curvy Feminine body make Her irresistibly sexy. I would melt being in the arms of a Woman like that. It feels so --- Femdom! Right?

Anonymous said...

Ms Diane,
You wrote:
" I have no problem thinking of and referring to my husband as my slave servant and treating him as such. I have come to embrace and absolutely love our life"

Do You mean to say You now "imagine" him as your slave or that You "think, think", meaning inside of You actually trully view him like that? If that's the case, could You explain what produced that shift in You and how You feel / felt through the shift?

Anonymous said...

Dear Kathy – In our nightly conversation, my husband and I chatted about the woman in your story who gave up on her Femdom relationship with her husband. He reminded me of a comment you made earlier – that Femdom is a lot like oysters – it’s an acquired taste. He asked me to write about that to you (I do not allow my husband to post on blogs; I also limit his computer time as I prefer to have him working for me than entertaining himself at the computer).

I have to agree that Femdom is an acquired taste - a woman may not find it appealing at first, but if she stays with it she may learn to love it as I have.