A Basic Question Or Two ???

It is summer time. It is a very hot day. Here is my question. If it is too hot to work in the garden, shouldn't it be too hot to play golf ? Well, John was granted permission to play golf, and he was very happy to grab his clubs and be on his way. Aside from the game it gives him an opportunity to be with his boy friends.

The term 'boy friends' leads to another question. Why is it 'OK' for a women to have girl friends, but it seams a little strange for a man to have 'boy friends'. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

Here is another question to think about. John and I recently came back from a visit with our son. We stayed in a nice hotel. For the first time ever, our 'bell boy' was actually a 'bell girl".
She was very nice and very professional. She, however, made John feel uncomfortable. He has difficulty with the idea of a women handling our suitcases. Here is the question. Why does everyone brag on a women that does a traditional male job, when a man that does a traditional female job is often ridiculed?

This morning I made a brief tour of some of the web sites dealing with female domination, and male submission. Why do so many of the web sites, including the blogs, seam to have such a strong emphasis on sexual matters. The relationship between a mistress wife and her submissive husband is about intimacy. I think it is the most intimate and loving relationship a man and women can have. In a 'fem/dom' marriage a man gives his entire self to his lady. Her acceptance of his gift is the spiritual consummation of that gift.

Over the last six years I have spoken or emailed with a number of submissive men. A question I generally ask is 'have you ever knelt at the feet of a women'. If the answer is yes, I ask them to tell me about the first time. In almost every case a man can tells me exact details of something that happened many years in the past. On one occasion I had a man in his seventies tell me about the time he had the courage to kneel in front of his teenage girl friend. My other question to him was if this was such an important experience for you, why have you never shared this desire with your wife.

The professional dominatrix experience may have a place in the lives of many men, but it doesn't lead to the inner contentment that most men seek. A man may enjoy the thrill of kneeling at the feet of a dominatrix, but the women he really wants to serve is the wife who loves him. Why is it so hard for so many women to understand this basic need in their men?
Why do they fear it?

Women, by nature, want to be pursued. Women don't want to drive the car, they want to be taken. For some reason women often think that these natural female needs are in conflict with the idea of becoming a mistress wife. When it is cold at night John is still the man I cuddle up with. He is still the man that holds me tight in the night, and lets me know that everything will be fine in the morning. John is still a man. John is still my man, and being submissive makes him no less of a man.


There is one question I can answer. There is an idea that 'fem/dom' marriages are not consistent with family values. Looking at all the sites on the web I can understand why people have this idea. However, in my limited experience, men who are ruled by their wives are both happy and loyal to the family. Just because the wife is head of the family, doesn't mean that the family is less functional. As I said many times in this blog, the man may no longer sit at the head of the table, but he does sit in the number one position next to the wife and mistress. It is a position of respect.

We need to all realize that the world is changing at a rapid pace. It is no longer unfeminine for a women to give orders either in the work place, the military, or the home. In many cases when men and women mix, the women are the better leaders. Women have a certain natural authority over men. For some reason women do not like to accept this idea. My son has a female boss. She is his age or a little younger. To these young people this is a very natural and normal work relationship. Yes, the world is changing. The leaders in this changing world are the young women; like Karen, my daughter, and my son's supervisor. They may not have it all figured out, but they understand one important concept. These women all understand it is up to the man to adjust to their world.

Love, Kathy

My Guilty Pleasure

It is a hot, hot Friday afternoon. Both John and I came home from work early. The garden is over grown with weeds. To John's surprise and dismay I put him in the garden to work. Instead of hearing a happy 'yes mistress', I only heard a grown. In a way I don't blame John, I wouldn't want to be out there working in this terrible heat.



For some reason I wanted John to have the feeling of what it would be like to be a real slave. He has only been out there for twenty minutes or so, but the sweat is pouring off of him. He doesn't really understand why he is being ordered to work on this hot day, he only knows it is his wife's command. However, that is all he really needs to understand.



I heard from Karen today. She decided to give her guy a work weekend. This weekend he will be painting the apartment. When he is finished the painting, he is to clean every thing including the stove. She took the advice of 'lost soul' who made the comment. Instead of menial task she is giving her guy real work to do.

In my opinion men do too much paper work. Too much office work. Today's man needs to do more physical work. It is good for their muscles. It is especially good when a man understands that work is a way of serving his lady. When the weather is cooler, I like to relax outside with a book, and watch John do the garden. I think it gives a man a certain sense of satisfaction to know that his mistress is watching and approving of what he is doing.

It is really a simple thing, but yes, I have come to enjoy having authority over my husband. John may not want to work on this hot day, but he would rather work than take the consequences of not obeying me. John didn't do anything wrong to earn this little assignment, it is just a way to let him know who is boss. John needs to be constantly reminded of who is the mistress, and who is the slave. It is not that he forgets. It is more that he needs the sense of assurance.

It's been about forty minutes now, time to bring my boy in, and let him take a shower. I expect John to thank me for letting him come back in.

Love, Mistress Kathy

The Comments

Once again, thank all you for the comments. One of the things that I love about our country and the western way of life is the freedom. We, as women, are no longer locked away and legally subject to the authority of our husbands. It is fascinating to think that women of my generation may be the very first in history to have the actual power to rule their men.

The comment by 'lost soul' made me laugh, but it also made me think. In my opinion Karen's guy is not very different from most men who have not experienced true female authority and discipline. Of course, her guy is selfish. Of course, he is trying to top from the bottom. This is all typical submissive male behavior. This is where discipline and training come into the relationship.

If a women is going to rule her husband, she needs to establish authority over him. 'Lost soul' suggested some sought of long weekend where the male is required to stay naked, and do menial chores for his lady. While I have never used a 'ball gag' or did many of the things suggested in his email, I do like the concept of putting a man through some sought of initial training program.

When John came home six years ago, he was put through an intensive training program. The kennel was part of it. Although the kennel part of John's training only lasted a few weeks, it had a tremendous impact on his behavior and his outlook on life. It taught him that I was serious about this 'fem/dom' marriage business, and that if our new relationship was going to work, he needed to understand who was the boss.

The kennel used for John was long enough for him to lay comfortably, and sit up in. The entrance door was very small. Having to crawl in and out added to the feeling of humiliation.
One important thing. I never locked John in the kennel. Upon the command 'kennel up' he was expected to crawl into the kennel, take the lock in his hand, and snap it shut. Most of the time I wouldn't even be in the room with him. This demonstrated both his level of obedience and his confidence in me. Once again, John and I had been married for many years.

Some men have a tremendous fear of being locked up. For these men the kennel will not work.
A man should not be forced to do anything he does not want to do. Above all, John locked himself in the kennel because it was what I wanted, what I demanded, and most of all he wanted to please me.

Some of you may think the kennel experience is cruel. What I can tell you is that John would rather spend three hours in the kennel than an hour of corner time. Many of you men that read this blog may not think of corner time as a serious punishment. For those men I say try to spend even fifteen minutes on your knees holding a coin against a wall. Also, remember John's corner time is spent on a hard stone floor, not a soft carpet.

The kennel, corner time, etc are things that have worked for me. I am not the answer lady. I am not recommending any of these things to other women as training tools. Someone asked me if John still is punished. The short answer is yes, but not nearly as much as he was in the early stages of our 'fem/dom' relationship. Men are not stupid. They learn. If you are consistent with your discipline, they learn what it takes to please you. Sure, from time to time a man may test you; he may want to know that you are still his mistress, but once a man settles into his place in a relationship, the need for punishment is relatively rare.

While locked in the kennel there was no books, no radio or television. If it was night the room was dark. The only appliance in the room was a baby monitor. I always wanted John to be able to call for me if there was a real problem. He understood, however, that simply calling mistress because he was tired of being in the kennel was not a good idea.

There is really only one thought I would like to leave for women, like Karen, who are considering a 'fem/dom' relationship with their man. Always remember that most submissive men are loving and caring, and want to please you. Deep down they want to know that you accept who they are, and their gift of submission. They want to know that you enjoy being their mistress. Yes, in simple terms, they want to know that you enjoy 'owning' them, and truly enjoy the authority you have over them.

From time to time I do show John off to a few of my friends. It is not because I want to humiliate him. It is because I am so proud of him. What I have learned is that an obedient, loving, and well trained man is a treasure. In time, with word of mouth, and the Internet, more and more women will come to understand this.

Love, Kathy

Thoughts About This and That

There is very little that brightens my day more than receiving a poem written especially for me. There is something so very intimate about it. Just the idea that a man writes because he wants to please, makes me feel good. To me that is a special gift. Receiving a poem is like having a beautiful bouquet of spring flowers suddenly appear on your breakfast table. It never fails to bring a smile to my face.



While I won't share most of the poem, there was one line that had a special meaning for me. The sweet pet writes, "An uncollared male is like a horse in the wild desperately needing a rider". While I don't know much about horses, I do know there are a lot of men in this world hoping to find that special lady who is willing to put her collar on them. For the most part these are sweet men that want in some fashion to make a special gift of themselves to the lady in their life.





I have often been criticised for using the slave word in describing my husband. Six years ago John knelt at my feet, closed his eyes, and told me that nothing would make him happier than to live as my slave. On that day John gave me one of the most precious gifts a man can give to a women; a gift of himself. On that day I accepted John's gift, and told him from that day onward he would live as my slave. It didn't mean I would love him any less, but form that day forward he would be subject to my authority. It also meant I would take on the responsibility of disciplining him, and training him to be the man he wanted to become. On that day I put a collar around John's neck, gave him a gentle kiss, and told him he now belonged to me, he was my property.



In those early days of new relationship the kennel was a way of letting John know that my authority over him was for real. In looking back I have no regrets about either the kennel, or in the life that John and I live. It may not be for every one, it may not even be right for most couples in a 'fem/dom' relationship, but it has worked for John and I. A few hours in the kennel, with no television or radio, was a way of letting John know in no uncertain terms who was in control of the relationship. With the command 'kennel up' John has no hesitancy about crawling into the kennel, and locking himself in, because he had trust in me. I am not advocating this for other people, I am not the advice lady. This is just a blog about my experience with a loving submissive man.



Karen, like most young women, wants more of a partnership with her man. In my last posting I used the term managing partner. Never the less, either as a slave husband or junior partner, a man needs to understand that his wife's authority over him is more than a game. It is up to Karen to decide how or if she wants to more her relationship forward.

Love, Mistress Kathy

Special Posting For Karen

Over the last several days Karen and I have emailed back and forth several times. For the most part she has enjoyed reading the comments. One of the things that comes out differently in Karen's emails is the feeling of warmth and affection between her and her guy. Although Karen has not been happy with some of her boyfriend's behavior, it is obvious they do care for each other. Karen is not ready to abandon him. To the contrary, the reason for writing is that she wants to find a way to improve their relationship.





Many of the comments suggested that Karen should drop her guy. The number of comments to this effect surprised me. In my opinion Karen's boy friend is like a number of young men who yearn for true female discipline in their lives, but have never had it. Karen will be the first to admit that she has not been much of a disciplinarian with her man. While she is open to the idea of being the mistress in their relationship, it is still something that feels strange to her.





As Karen explained to me, playing the mistress in a game is one thing. However, living the life of a dominant wife is something else. There are aspects of being the dominant partner in a relationship that Karen finds appealing. For one thing she likes the freedom to make social plans without having to check in with her boyfriend. She has become accustomed to having him do the housework, and run errands.

On the other hand, when it comes to marriage and spending a life together, Karen tells me she is looking for more of a partner than a slave husband. In the relationship I have with John he is very much a slave . For the most part John does what he is told, when he is told, and how he is told. He has very little personal freedom, and even less control of money. This may not be the most workable model for most 'fem/dom' marriages.

While I see the wife as the primary decision maker, many women give their husbands a major voice in making family decisions. They also allow their husband much more access to money, and allow them a certain amount of personal freedom. Of course, in a 'fem/dom' marriage the wife still makes the final decisions on things that are important to the family. In these marriages the husband is more of a 'help mate' than a slave. Another way to look at many of these marriages is comparing them to a partnership, with the wife being the managing partner.

If you look at relationship Karen has with her guy, she has never tried to establish any type of real authority over him. One reader suggested a chastity device of some kind. If it was up to me, I would use an old fashioned kennel. When a man understands he can be locked in a small space, for however long, at the whim of his girlfriend, he tends to pay more attention to her.
He begins to think of her as an authority figure in his life. This is the first step in letting your man understand who is in control.

It is only after your man understands his place in the relationship, the training process can begin. However, it works best for Karen, she needs to find a way of letting her guy know she is officially his boss lady.

Love, Kathy

Special Posting For Karen-Continued

Thank all of you for posting. These were all very good comments. I especially thought the comment from Matthew was worth reading twice. According to Matthew, the boyfriend has not yet made the type of break though that will enable him to take this relationship from fantasy to reality. There is a great deal of truth in that observation. However, as a women in a FLM, I have a different 'take' on that observation.







From what I have observed Karen's boyfriend is like a large number of young men. They want the fun, the fantasy of submission, but at the same time are not ready to assume the responsibility of living the life style of a submissive man. I have often made the comment that it takes a great deal of inner strength to live the type of life that John does. For many of you this statement will sound strange, but it takes a real man to live the life of a slave husband. It takes a great deal of emotional strength to give up your freedom, and pledge obedience to another person. However, in a true Fem/dom marriage this is something that many men do.







Karen sent an email to me this morning. She enjoyed reading the blog entry and the comments.
She did tell me that the relationship with her guy is much warmer than it appears to be in the posting. Of her guy, Karen indicated that he is loving and for the most part is focused on pleasing her. There are, however, those times when he goes off into the 'wild blue', and does what he wants. She has tried to discipline him, but with mixed results.



Both Karen and Mandy enjoy having the 'boy' around the apartment. There are, however, many times when it seams like he is controlling the relationship. Karen used the term 'passive aggressively submissive' in one of her emails to me. Karen asked me how I would approach the discipline issue.







There is no doubt that most men are very loving, and truly care about the women in their life. Pleasing a women is important to most men. It is not really up to the boyfriend to move the FLR forward. It is really up to Karen. She is the female, and as such, she is the one who should be in charge. If Karen wants a FLM it is up to her to lead the way. Sometimes I wonder if the groveling and begging is a way of asking Karen to take more control. You know, sometimes men don't know how to ask.







If there is one thing I admire Karen's guy for is that he had the courage to tell her of his need for female guidance. He had the courage to tell Karen of this early in their relationship. If she was not accepting of this, it would have been easy for her to walk away. She was willing to pick up the whip. She was wiling to put him over her knee for a spanking. She may have not been an expert of male submissive behavior, but she knew what it was about. She knew what she was getting in to, and was willing to accept it. In my opinion Karen is no prude. At this point in her life, she may not know exactly what to do, but is willing to learn.







Karen and her guy have been together for close to three years. Since this young man enjoys being with Karen, I suspect she is more dominant with him than has come out in this posting. Sometimes a man can sense a women's dominant spirit even when she is not aware of it her self. Most women have a type of natural authority over men. It is something women use on a daily basis to both control and mold a man's behavior into something that is acceptable to them. For example, if a man senses that his wife doesn't want him to look at porn, he will often give it up. He feels a sense of shame for looking at something that doesn't have the approval of his wife.







One of the cute comments that Karen made was that she wished her school had a course called Femdom 101. Someone made the comment that Karen is still young. This is true. However, women of today are so much more aware of 'things' then they were even a generation ago. By the same token they are much more willing to take charge of their own lives and that of the men they care for. What I am convinced of is that the world is moving step by step to a place where women will be in active control of their households. It will be a world in which men will have no shame in admitting that their wife is the boss in the house. Their motto will be, 'yes, I am a submissive man, and proud of it"

Love, Mistress Kathy

Special Posting For Karen

Last week I received an email from a lovely young lady. She is a twenty one year old college student in a committed relationship. Her boy friend is a twenty four year old graduate student. She told me about her situation, and asked me for advice. My instinct was to tell her what I tell everyone else. My experiences are limited to one sweet, well trained, obedient man. What might be right for me, might not work for her. I am not the answer person. We ended up emailing back and forth several times. Each time she told me more and more about her situation. She is really a nice person, and is looking for some guidance. In many ways this young lady reminds me of my daughter.




From what Karen tells me her situation is very similar to what many young women go through in dealing with a submissive spouse or boyfriend. After several emails I told Karen that I would be happy to make a post of her story on my blog. Of course, her real name would not be used, and the details of where she went to school and so forth would not be included. The idea is that the readers of the blog would be invited to make comments giving Karen suggestions on what to do about her guy. She is the first to admit that she has very little experience in dealing with men, and some fresh ideas may be helpful.


Here is the situation. Karen recently completed her third year of college. She has been going out with her guy since the start of her freshman year. While they have never lived together, they have talked about marriage. The general plan is to wait for graduation. From almost the start of their relationship her boy friend had expressed a certain need for female guidance in his life.
After they had been going out for a while, the word guidance changed to female authority.







In the early part of their relationship Karen and her guy played some games. From what Karen tells me the games were light and fun. At the start of the last year, Karen and another girl, Mandy, moved into a two bed room off campus apartment. Her boyfriend would come over to visit. In the privacy of the apartment the games tended to become more intense. After a few weeks, her boyfriend offered to help with maintenance of the apartment. Karen asked Mandy if she minded her guy helping a little with the house work. Mandy said sure, whatever he wants to do would be fine with her.

The situation with the boy friend quickly escalated. Instead of coming over every so often, he was soon coming to the apartment on a daily basis. Karen and her roommate both thought it was strange that he wanted to do housework, but had no problem with it. On weekends he would clean the bath rooms, mob the floor, change the sheets, and dust. It was like having a free maid.

The girls had a small kitchen which the boy friend often used to cook dinner. He insisted on cleaning up after dinner. If another girl happened to be there, he would cook enough for all of them. In addition to cooking he with serve the dinner. Again, Karen and her roommate thought it was strange, but he waited on them like he was a servant. However, it was obvious that he enjoyed doing it. If either Karen or her roommate needed anything while eating, they got in the habit of asking him to fetch it. He would answer back, yes ma'am. One day at the table, as the boy friend was fetching something, the roommate smiled at Karen and said it is sure nice to have a subservient man around. At that moment it was not exactly what Karen wanted to hear, but she knew it was true.

A little tension came between the girls when the boyfriend asked if he could do their laundry. The men reading this blog may not understand , but a women doesn't like a guy seeing her personal things. This is especially true when they are in a dirty clothes hamper. Karen told him she would rather do her own laundry. The roommate said sure, you can do my laundry. She even told him where to put things after he did the folding. After a little while Karen gave in on the laundry issue. After all, if he was going to do Mandy's laundry, he may as well do hers.

It was during this time that the couple talked more and more about his need for female authority. The word authority gradually changed to dominance. They talked more about marriage. The boyfriend said he liked being the servant in the house, and would like to continue in that role after they were married. He came out and said that he hoped their marriage would be female led, and that she would be the boss in the house after they were married.

This is the part where Karen's attitude impressed me. Karen told me that she understood a little about female dominance and male submission, and for the most part didn't mind being the boss. When they played games she was always the one holding the whip, or putting her boy friend in the little hand cuffs. She would tell him he was a bad boy, and give him an over the knee spanking. Of course, it was all in fun and there was no real pain. After the girls moved into the apartment, the boyfriend presented her with a real cane to whip him with. Karen tells me it was the type of thing that caused real pain, and she didn't like using it. She only whipped her guy with the came because he wanted it so badly.

By the spring semester the boyfriend started acting more subservient to each of the girls. He had started referring to the girls as Mistress Karen and Mistress Mandy. Karen tells me that the use of the mistress word didn't bother her. They would sometimes laugh, and call each other Mistress Karen or Mistress Mandy. However, the boyfriend started referring to Karen as mistress when they were with other people. Karen told him to stop. She told him that the mistress thing needed to stay between the two of them and Mandy. The boyfriend, however, persisted in the use of the mistress or ma'am word in front of others even though he knew it bothered Karen.

Karen is a bright young lady. She soon figured out why her so called submissive guy insisted on doing something she didn't want him to do. He wanted to be punished. One day she got so frustrated that she told her boyfriend to pull down his pants, and bend over the kitchen chair. She took his heavy leather belt, and struck his rear end as hard as possible. She decided to give him the punishment session he had been asking for. In administering that punishment she hoped that he had leaned his lesson.

It was toward the end of March the boyfriend started showing another type of behavior that Karen found to be totally unacceptable. Since Mandy would be returning home for the summer, the boyfriend asked if he could move in for the summer term. When Karen told him that was not in her plans, he dropped to the floor and started begging her to let him move in. Karen tells me this type of groveling really turned her off. She told him to stop it. When he continued, she gave him a light kick with her foot, and told him to start acting like a man. However that little kick, and the admonition to act like a man only served to get him more excited. Since that episode, every time she tells him no, he does that groveling act which makes her angry.

Karen tells me she has feelings for her guy. She is willing to assume the role of mistress to a degree, but doesn't want a man who acts as subservient as her boy friend does. Also, while he acts submissive, he tends to be very aggressive about it. He often tells her what he wants her to do, and pouts if she doesn't comply. She goes so far as to call it a pretend kind of submission where he really wants to be in control.

Karen makes it clear that this 'submissive 'thing' has been more about what the boyfriend wants than what she wants. He often does things on purpose to make her angry so that he can be punished. This is a behavior she wants to correct, but doesn't know how.

Karen tells me that has read enough blogs to generally understand what a FLM or 'fem/dom' marriage means, and is generally agreeable to it. However, like it is with John and I she wants it to be real, where her guy is really committed to pleasing her, and it is not a game where she is constantly doing things for the benefit of her boyfriend.


On one level Karen wonders if her boyfriend needs counseling. On another level she wonders if he can change. Overall, Karen tells me her boyfriend is a sweet guy, and there are often times where he wants nothing more than to please her.


Both Karen and I would like to hear from readers of the blog.


Love, Mistress Kathy