Friday, April 24, 2015

Common Misconceptions and What I Learned From My Husband's Dominatrix

Thank all of you for the comments. One of the blessings of having a blog is the contact with the wonderful people in the lifestyle. A miss conception that many women have is that femdom is about tearing men down. Why would you want to make a man into something of a servant, slave or whatever, they often ask. In a sense I understand their questions. On the blogs we do talk about men as servants or slaves. Yet, those of us who have lived with deeply submissive men understand that they are the happiest, most content when under our control. This we know as a fact of life. Most of us are not naturally dominant creatures who walk around with a whip in hand. We are normal women who have fallen in love with a man who happens to be submissive. Most of us adopt the lifestyle to please our husbands, or in certain situations save our marriages.

One of the other misconceptions that many women have about femdom is the idea that it separates them from their husbands. The thinking, I believe, is that things like rules and discipline creates some type of a barrier within their relationship. Looking in form the outside I can understand why many women feel this way. Having been on the inside of a femdom marriage, I understand that much of what we do creates a feeling of intimacy. Even men who have been spanked, and spanked hard, tells the same thing. The experience of being spanked or of being punished brings them closer to their wives.

Much of femdom begins with play sessions. Over time if a wife learns to hold a husband accountable for his behavior, he will often develop a true respect for female authority in his life. When this watershed is achieved the relationship of a husband and wife changes for ever. For my daughter and her husband this break through took several years. In a sense a man must learn to subordinate his ever present ego to the rules imposed on him. This is difficult for most men, even true submissive men to achieve. When it comes to his wife's authority a man must learn to accept both the bad and the good.
There will be the fun times. There will also be times when she sends him to change a dirty diaper.
There will be the times she sends him out to cut the grass when he would rather watch the game.
Learning to give up control to another person is very difficult.

The other miss conception is that femdom comes with a certain loss of our femininity. My daughter, who now adopted much of this life style is the same, sweet person she has always been. She has learned, however, to speak with her husband with a much firmer voice.  And, in a sense she has more confidence in her relationship. Most of the time directions are given to David with 'honey, I would like you to do such and such'. She says it sweetly, and there is a honey, but David understands it as an order not a request. In the same way when she asked John to accompany David to the rest room it was done with a sweet voice. John, like David, understood that she was directing him to help. John also understands that in my absence his daughter has authority over him. Learning to accept authority from a wife can be an ego crusher. Learning to accept authority from a daughter is even more of an ego crusher. Yet, in an extended femdom family my feeling is that it is helpful for the men to fully understand that it is always the women who are in charge. As some point I want to talk more about the decision to give Becky authority over her father.

As much as we love our men, one of the things we value is time away from them. Even at dinner there is always a time for Becky and me to discuss things without the men present. If the dinner is in one of our homes, we have coffee in the living room while the men clean up. If in a restaurant we will sometimes send the guys out for the car while we talk. If the children are not with us the guys understand that they may wait as long as thirty minutes or so for us finish talking. For a man in a femdom relationship it is important  to understand that waiting for his mistress is every bit as important as waiting on her. This was one of the first lessons taught to me by Tara. The longer men wait for you, the more they appreciate you. Tara was an expert in the fine are of keeping men  on their toes.

To Be Continued

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Are Men Still Neaded ?

 I was just reading the I'm Hers blog.

It never ceases to amaze me how guys love to be made to sit when using a toilet.

If you expect a man to obey you in the issues that really matter, you need first to teach him obedience in the everyday things. My daughter's original response to this comment was I don't really care if he obeys or not. That was a couple of years ago. She now has a better appreciation for the importance of obedience.  Her husband is submissive. He is  happiest and most content in life when she takes control. Yet, like other men he has an ego that sometimes causes him to resist.

In our home we have a number of rules and protocols for my husband to follow. Most of them are simple little things that don't mean much in them selves. At the dinner table John is not allowed to start eating until each of the women who are present began.  He is not allowed to leave the table without permission. On those occasions when we have dinner with other couples who share our style of life, the men generally are not allowed to enter a conversation until invited to do so. These are all small rules, but taken together they create a framework of sorts. They create an environment where
the rule of women is front and center. This plain and simple is what some men need.

Along with the rules and protocols comes a responsibility. The responsibility is for the wife to enforce these rules. If the rules and protocols are not enforced the husband quickly louses interest.
Enforcement can be something as simple as a negative look, a spanking, or in our home, corner time.
I have always been a believer in corner time. It is a punishment that is easy to administer. For the man it is somewhat painful depending on the length of time on his knees. Most of all it is deeply humiliating for a grown man to be treated like a small child in this fashion. Our daughter now uses this technique with her husband.

What I believe is that for many women the idea of punishing a man causes stress. For many of us the easiest response to an infraction is no response. This lack of a response allows a man to break a rule without consequences. Once this is done he will do it all the time. It is just like standing to pee when he is required to sit. If the wife allows him to get by with this infraction a man will louse a certain amount of respect for the authority of his mistress. What I tell my daughter is be careful with the rules you make. Don't make rules that you will not enforce in some manner.

There is always some amount of stress involved with enforcing rules. This is something that the men don't understand. It is so much easier to let something go than deal with. A little while back the four of us, with the children were having dinner at a nice restaurant. It was a long meal, the service was slow. Before leaving  the restaurant I went to use the restroom. On my return I was annoyed to see that John had left the table without permission. Noticing the distressed look on my face, Becky injected with something like its Ok mom I gave daddy permission to use the restroom before we leave. Well thank you I said. For a moment I told her I though her father had left the table without permission.

The point to be made is that I felt a little uncomfortable with the idea that John had left without asking. In it self going to the rest room is not a big deal. Going without permission, breaking a protocol is a big deal. Breaking a rule meant that I was going to have to react in some way.
Having said all of this I don't care if my husband pees standing or sitting. If there had been a rule in our home, as Katie had made for I'm Her, it would be of concern. In FLMs men need to learn to follow the rules. Why, because it is what they are told. It is part of the training process. It is part of setting up the female led marriage as distinct from the more equal partnership types.

That evening John and I spoke as we do every night. I decided to tease him a little. I pretended like I didn't know Becky had given him permission to leave the table. 'You left the table without my permission' I told him with a slightly sour note in my voice. There was a silence. Then there was kind of a um type sound followed by Becky gave me permission to help David with the kids. I hope that was alright John responded. Yes, baby, I told him. In my absence you always have permission to do what Becky tells you or follow her instructions. If you had not followed her instructions I would have been less than happy with your behavior, I told him. I was then pleased to see that there was a slightly relaxed look on his face. His reaction told me that the rules in our home still mean something to him.
This is important for the continued success of her marriage.

In a flm instructions, orders, or whatever should be clear and to the point. For the record Becky also requires David to have permission before leaving the dinner table. One more thing. As systematic of many modern marriages the responsibility of taking children to the bath room is now sometimes the responsibility of the father. David, she told me, looks perfectly natural carrying a diaper bag. Another sign of our times is that men's restrooms are now equipped with diaper changing stations. The modern wife is allowed to relax with her coffee while the husband takes care of the children. On that evening Becky and I had time for a second cup of coffee. The waiter though nothing amiss when Becky confidently asked for the check and paid the bill.

And, yes, of course men are sill needed. We still need their love, their affection, and we still need to be held in their strong manly arms. But yes, they are now needed more than ever-to clean our homes, wash our cars, take care of our children, and sometimes act as our domestic servants. This was in fact the topic of the very conversation as we waited for the guys to return with the children.
 Becky has now learned to appreciate some of the joys of being a mistress to a submissive man. She understands the importance of maintaining control. She understands the importance of being consistent with her discipline.

Love, Kathy