Thursday, November 16, 2017

A Sense Of Fear...More About Tough Love

One of the things that I appreciate about the blog is the diversity of the comments. While it is true that a blog with a name like Femdom 101 will tend to attract submissive men, these men come with a range of ideas and feelings.

In my opinion femdom should never be about catering to a husbands every want. The wife should never become the psychological servant of her husband, but admittedly there is a danger of this happening. The simple truth is that most women agree to a femdom relationship at the request of their spouse. It is very seldom that a wife suggest to her husband that she should take the lead in their marriage. This so called lack of enthusiasm by the wife is what tends to complicate the entire concept. Is it the wife trying to please her husband by catering to his wants or is it the wife demanding servitude from her man.

One of the things I learned from Tara was the importance of understanding the male's need for female control in everyday life. By everyday life I mean not just play time on Saturday morning, but a relationship where by the wife is in control of her man. On a daily basis she decides his permissions, determines his duties, his rewards and when necessary his punishments. And, regarding punishment I did say when necessary rather than if necessary. In my view a wife's willingness to punish is an absolute preset condition for a true femdom marriage.

In earlier posting we talked about having John eat pages from his magazines. His stash of these  offensive magazines was almost a foot high. In my view these magazines were offensive to women.
The magazines typically showed attractive women in skimpy outfits with naked men graveling at their feet. Typically the women held a whip of some kind in her hand. The magazines displayed no emotion except male fear of the superior female. It was never explained why the physically stronger male yielded to her punishment, but he always did. It bothered me that John was attracted to this type of trash. Based on the prices displayed on the covers these magazines were certainly not cheap.

The fact that his stack of old magazines was so high was testimony to the idea that he was in some way addicted to them. Most of the old ones were not thrown away. Lusting over these magazines was a 'want' of his. Was I going to indulge this want? The answer was a resounding no, but I also needed to make a point. And, for both of our sakes I understood that the point needed to be made in a very strong way.

The first thing I did was have him remove the magazines from the garage and carry them into the house. I then had him place the magazines on the coffee table front and center of the couch where anyone visiting could see them. Yes, I told him that visitors to our home, both men and women, would see them and they would know that the magazines were his. 'Would you like that', I asked John. 'No mistress' was the fearful answer. 'Are you sure', I repeated. The idea that friends, neighbors, and family would see these magazines was most fearful to him. I remember pressing the question harder and harder. 'You have permission to speak, tell me why you don't want visitors to see them'.
At that point in the conversation John began to stutter and became very fearful. His fear of what I was going to do or say was genuine. The more fear he showed the more powerful I felt. For a few minutes  my attitude resembled the whip wheeling dominatrix in the magazines. And, maybe like the female character in the magazine, I took some  pleasure in his anxiety.

The idea that anyone visiting our home would see those magazines was extremely humiliating for John. 'What should we do with them', I asked John. 'Throw them in the trash' he responded.
But honey, 'you spent so much money on these magazines. It would be ashamed to just throw them away', I replied. Of course, I wanted them out of the house almost as much as John did, but it was also necessary to drive home the concept of who was in charge.

From the large stash I pulled out two or three of the magazines. 'Go through the magazine with me' I told him. 'Tell me what you like about the pictures'. As we went thorough the first magazine I again asked him what he would like to do with it. 'Throw it in the trash' was his reply. 'Well, I guess we can do that' I told John.  I said it in the same teasingly manner as the way we talked in the studio. I then told him that it might be well for him to make double sure he wants to throw the magazines away. The conversation brought out much of his guilt to the surface. He was in what I would call mental agony. 'Lets make sure those dirty magazines don't leave a bad taste in you mouth', I said. 'Just so you are not tempted to buy more of them', I added.

 It was at that point I had him tear off the first page of one of the magazines, rip it into small pieces and eat it piece by piece. Page by page I had him tear off and rip up the remainder of the magazine before throwing it into the trash. Everyday we went through the same process until the stack was gone. There are readers who will suggest this was cruel as it was a most unpleasant experience for him. What I have learned is that there are times when a mistress wife must give her man unpleasant experiences. It may be eating the pages from a magazine, missing a sports match on television, or a painful spanking with a hard bristled hair brush. Even Becky, who still is new to the role of  mistress understands the importance of punishment in her marriage. Of even more significance she has learned the enormous power a woman has over a man-a man who may physically stronger but mentally under her control.

In those early days of femdom it was important for John to know that I still loved him. It was important for him to understand that my love for him was the primary reason for becoming his mistress. Yet, he also needed to understand that my control of his life was real and a permanent fixture in our marriage. In the beginning our life mirrored much of what happened in the studio. Back then I was more of a mistress than a wife. Over time, years, I learned to find a more workable balance between the competing roles of mistress and wife. Depending on John's attitude one side or the other of my personality would come to life on any given day. On a day to day basis it became John's job to please me. To do as much as possible to keep the sweet side of my personality in front of him.

Concluding a discussion with Becky she said 'I suppose that is what they mean by the term slave husband'. I thought a second and responded 'yes, I suppose it is'.

Love you for reading, love you for sharing.



Anonymous said...

It’s one thing to “punish” him. It’s another that could make him do something that could make him physically sick.

Did he vomit? Did he have trouble eating or going to the bathroom? Was he sick to his stomach?

Yes. That is definitely cruel, no matter what revisionist narrative you create to justify it. He was a man struggling with fantasies who felt he had nowhere to turn with them. They are as powerful as any drug, and he did what he could under a very difficult circumstance.

I once was in a similar position, and I just told my girlfriend at the time that “this is what I need, and we’re breaking up.” She preferred that I just keep going to my version of “the Studio” to scratch the itch.

I don’t want what John has. I’m not at that level. I respect the need, but i don’t want my entire life subjugated to anyone else’s whims. I still respect that he does.

However, if he is like me he went through hell having these desires and not knowing what to do with them. Forcing someone to eat magazine pages is a heartless and reckless thing to do. No amount of “making a point” justifies it.

I am sure your acolytes will rail against this post, and thst’s fine. I just think that when you are empowered there are lines you don’t cross because you have a responsibility for the welfare of the disempowered individual. It’s not “anything goes.”

Ultimately, it seems to have worked out for John (based on what you have said as we haven’t heard from him), but that doesn’t make this particular act anymore decent or humane.

Anonymous said...

Aaah, the classic fear of being "topped from the bottom". The truth is a legitimately powerful woman will not allow this behavior and so the dominance becomes real and not just some entertainment. Sort of like a "be careful what you wish for". There is always her version of reality and his version of reality. But her version wins and becomes THE REALITY because there is no referee around to ensure that rules about a universal absolute reality are being followed. Might makes right.


I'm-Hers said...

Great post. I just wrote a draft of a post about deterrents. How coincidental it is to see you writing about the same topic. Punishments are given to deter future actions. The severity of the deterrent will determine, in large measure, whether the behavior is repeated. I'm sure in your husband's case, he understood how you felt loud and clear and, although the urge to purchase another magazine probably came into his mind many times, the consequences of doing such a thing prevented him from doing so. I guess you could say what you did with him was a form of 'training'. I do appreciate you sharing stories and insights into your life. Thanks!

Dan - A Disciplined Hubby said...

Just out of curiosity, Gravano, do you ever question your own qualifications to lecture on what is "decent" and "humane"? You seem to have an awfully inflated sense of moral superiority for someone who lives his entire life surfing Femdom and spanking porn and then going to various Femdom or FLR websites and blogs to make judgmental statements about those who participate in those lifestyles. You say you don't want to be "subjugated to someone else's whims," yet you plainly are subjugated to your own compulsions. I'm just curious how someone as clearly conflicted, dysfunctional and tortured as you also has this incredibly overblown sense of your own moral, ethical and intellectual superiority.

James said...

Mistress Kathy,

I hope that you will give me leave to respond to the comment of Anonymous (first response on this thread) and I hope that he won't mind me speaking directly to him.

There do seem to be differences between your situation and that of Mistress Kathy. You came to an arrangement with your girlfriend of the moment, continued to scratch your itch and presumably, were as satisfied with your situation as was possible, within certain limits.

As I understand it, Mistress Kathy's John did not volunteer his urges to her until he was found to be indulging them - at the very least, a breach of trust, surely. He then threw himself on Mistress Kathy's mercy, and asked her to, in effect to take control of his life.

Now so far, I'm sure you'll agree, so fair enough for two people looking to salvage their marriage. However, it appears your principal objection is the way in which Mistress Kathy chose to demonstrate the fact that she was embracing the control over her husband that he had begged her to take.

So what was she supposed to do to emphasise that his life was now going to be lived under her authority, rather than his whims? Set the dial to zero? Pretend that the repeated indiscretions hadn't happened? Pay lip service to the request that she become his mistress?

It just seems to me that, if ever there were a case when punishment was richly deserved, as a demonstration of authority, as a warning of what might happen to future bad behaviour, and as a way of effacing the past and starting anew, this was surely it. Yes, Mistress Kathy might have chosen to administer a severe beating to John; she might have decided to chain him somewhere for long periods to ponder the error of his ways; she might even have opted to ignore him, reasoning that cold shoulder can sometimes be the most unbearable of treatments for a loving husband.

What she did decide, however, at least had the merit of being particularly appropriate to the "crime" concerned. If I am ever stupid enough to speak to my wife with less than exemplary respect, I know that my mouth will be well soaped out as a result. It's not nice - you may ever describe it as cruel - but you can't say that it isn't fitting or that it isn't effective. The offence rarely recurs, as I'm sure has been the case for John and Mistress Kathy.

Over and above all of this, however, once a man has place his total submission in the hands of his wife, has asked him to re-mould his character, he must accept whatever she decides for him. Trust has to be re-built, modes of behaviour re-established and a man in John's position has to demonstrate his submission and obedience to Mistress Kathy's will without question. In all honesty, chewing bits of paper isn't going to have any long-term ill-effects; the bruising to an ego might last a bit longer, which is as it should be.

Cause and effect, ends and means - to me, it would appear as though Mistress Kathy's act was perfectly justifiable.

Thanks for listening to my rather long response and thanks to Mistress Kathy for allowing me to air it.

Anonymous said...

Becaus like any other person, I draw lines on what is fair, unfair, decent and humane. You choose to ignore those lines. That’s your perogative. If people disagree with me, then let them state their positions. You have this need to stifle opposing views yet criticize me for acting morally and intellectually superior? What a hypocrite.

I have been involved in these activities since long before you ever stumbled across the DWC site. There are moral hazards to engaging in this activity. There are things that can go wrong if one person crosses lines and the other feels mistreated or resentful. To me those are interesting questions. I really don’t care if they are to you. You avoid them like the plague on your blog. Good for you.

That you refuse to acknowledge them by slandering me, means nothing. Slander seems to be your only argumentation tactic.

I am well aware of what I like and don’t like. Believe what you want.

Why don’t you, for once, address an issue on the merits instead of resorting to unfounded personal attacks. Notably, you made no attempt to do that.

Anonymous said...

What a great story of how you helped John cross the line from femdom fantasy to reality! The magazines you had John destroy were fantasy, and maybe Tara’s studio was too. It seems that both were controlled fantasies, conjured by John when we wanted them. Then you made those fantasies real for him. John went in the cage when you wanted, not when he decided. No magazine or pro domme could provide that level of intensity, that level of reality.

By learning Tara’s craft, were you looking to give John what he said he wanted, or show him that he didn’t really want his fantasies to come alive? Or did you know?

I also wonder if the Catholic experience you mentioned this week didn’t play out between you and John. Not the experience of fearing a paddle-wielding dominant woman, but the experience of providing forgiveness and absolution only after penance. A tough penance, it seems. With an embrace at the end that left you and John way closer than you had been before the sin and redemption.


Anonymous said...

Ms Kathy,

You talk about the "diversity" of the comments and really, it's when you are active blogging that this becomes a party of diversity and just an amazing, amazing blog. All you have to do is write ANYTHING and it comes out amazing.

But this series is especially good! I hope you don't take it off ever because it's WOW!

I really love everything you are saying. You really catch the elegant balance between love and fear. It's so exciting to read you! You are such an exciting Woman!

I love how you said "not if, but when to punish". OMG, my heart was beating so fast when I read that! You are basically saying "little submissive boys, know it, Mistress will occasionally punish you. Just accept it as a fact of life". I admit I got really aroused by that thought. Do you think you can elaborate just a bit further on that? Because really, it's not just about whether it arouses me or not, it's just an essential part of your philosophy of what a good Femdom marriage should be, and we couldn't understand it the same without it. I loved it!

To end this on a fantastically happy note, let me quote you and Ms. Becky

"On a day to day basis it became John's job to please me. To do as much as possible to keep the sweet side of my personality in front of him.

Concluding a discussion with Becky she said 'I suppose that is what they mean by the term slave slavery'. I thought a second and responded 'yes, I suppose it is'."

I'm exploding! I so need to belong to a family like yours!

Gigi said...

My new motto:

"On a daily basis she decides his permissions, determines his duties, his rewards and when necessary his punishments. And, regarding punishment I did say when necessary rather than if necessary. In my view a wife's willingness to punish is an absolute preset condition for a true femdom marriage." --- Ms. Kathy, November 16, 2017.

We should carve these words in gold!

Anonymous said...

Mistress Kathy,

I’m sure much worse happens in a studio setting. You you rather eat a magazine page or have some one pee on your face. My desire is not to be punished my desire is to please and be a better husband. I think that is the biggest difference. You go to a studio to meet a fantasy and John did what he did to show his wife his obedience. So he throws up or you get hit with a whip. John was wrong you paid for a fetishtwo totally different I don’t want my wife to discipline me in fact I would prefer she didn’t have to. But I’m not that good of a husband yet. Thank you Mistress Kathy for allowing my thoughts.

Ur Bobo

Wishful4 said...

Mistress Kathy,

You are essentially correct when you say that most wives end up trying the D/S lifestyle at the request of the husband, not at the request of the wife. Women are still largely conditioned that their purpose in a marriage is to please the husband, whatever it takes, so their willingness to try it. For some, the light comes on and they realize this feels right. Things are changing, but ever so slowly.

I disagree with the poster that says your handling of John in the beginning was cruel. If you were going to be his mistress in real life, it was necessary for you to separate fantasy from real life in John's mind. Otherwise, it would not have worked. This was not about what he fantasized, it was about your control over him that he needed in real life and it was necessary to make that perfectly clear. You had the wisdom to do this early on and John was the better for it although it was not pleasant for him, it was necessary.

Anonymous said...

"Depending on John's attitude one side or the other of my personality would come to life on any given day. On a day to day basis it became John's job to please me."

What a wonderful thought for all submissive guys. I try daily to please my wife. Often I fail, but I still keep trying and knowing my wife has upped her game in terms of consequences I will try even harder to please her.

Anonymous said...

I had key word spanking magazines in my apartment, well hidden. It was the girl that became my wife who I finally showed. Really no reaction, we talked, she understood, and then told me to pick out the picture that I would masturbate to. I was taken back and soon showed her that picture, an middle age lady, the 50's looking housewife, the male naked over her lap. It was a couple of weeks when visiting her place that she answered the door looking like that lady. Young man, your late she said sternly, your actions recently have been acceptable, your getting a spanking, I knew she meant it. I was told to undress and did so quickly, my penis erect. Very disgusting she said, you've getting a spanking, not sexual desires. I was taken to the bathroom, sat on the toilet and told to get rid of it. I looked at her and started stroking it. Your thinking of the spanking she said and I stroked harder and said yes and finally cum. Well the spanking I got hurt more than I thought, and when told to face the wall, she asked how I liked it, I said I did, but it sure hurt a lot, good she said, then added masturbating does wonders.

richard s said...

thank you for all you give us submissive husbands through your blog. I will not attempt to suggest a right or wrong method of discipline and the extent or the severity depends on trust and respect of the couple. My waterloo is humiliation and my mistress knows it and uses it to keep me in line. Not that it is punishment but a source of embarrassment to be corrected in front of others. Her friends and some of her relatives know our arrangement and really hope I err while they visit.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't like to read the comments by men in the Femdom blogs but I read this one. I'm sorry, Ms. Kathy, please cover your ears for what I'm about to say to this guy:


Thank you

Anonymous said...

Very interesting. I think some of the concepts of theology can overlap considerably with those of FemDom.

Jake UK

Anonymous said...

Lovely story. We subby men do love the mature woman!

- Jake UK

Anonymous said...

I agree. We can't really tell other couples how to do it, we're on the outside looking in. Chemistry is unique.

- Jake UK

Anonymous said...

Ms Kathy,

These last few posts have been interesting. I have read your blog for a couple of years now and I can truly say yours words help with my coming to terms of been submissive.

When I became to realise my true feelings of being a submissive, reading your blog helped me to understand my feelings. More importantly that there were more men like me out there. One night I went to my wife and told her the feelings I had, I was armed with some websites that could articulate the lifestyle better then I could. That was hard enough to confront my wife with, I couldn't image what you and John went through.

It must be hard for a loving wife to become a loving mistress overnight. What you did at the start I think was not required but needed. Ms Kathy, you were right what you did.

Please keep up with your writing and thank you again for your blog.


Greg said...

Upon reading this blog post, I can't help but think of the now numerous men in the entertainment, and news industries who have been fired recently for sexual misconduct. Kathy I think if more wive's controlled their husbands with your tenacity, and they learned how to respect women properly; maybe these issues wouldn't be arising in workplaces.

Sexual misconduct has gone on far too long, and I am glad these women are finally being heard, and believed regarding their allegations. If I conducted myself like this at work, the accuser wouldn't have to go the the H.R. department. All she would have to do is phone my wife/owner, and the allegation would be dealt with promptly, and properly. My wife wouldn't take six weeks to investigate the issue either. Absolutely the hairbrush, and leather strap would come out; but also I have no doubt I could also find myself on my knees before my accuser, humiliated, and apologizing in person to her. I know my wife's rules, and live in fear of her if I break them. Sexually harassing other women is definitely not acceptable under 'HER' laws. Yes my wife loves me, but she believes in tough love too.