Punishment, A Quick Aside

Before thanking Tina for sharing her situation with me there was one more question for her.

What started off as a Saturday afternoon movie with her husband and friend  turned into something much 'more'. My question was the same as I almost always ask to the readers of the blog. What I most wanted to understand  was how she felt about the experience.

Tina's response came relatively quickly. She was not sure how she felt, but she was not happy.. She was confused and conflicted. The femdom business, she said, began as a game. When her husband first asked her about a chastity appliance she said no. He, however, pushed for it. When she would ask what he would like for his birthday the chastity device once again came up. He told her that wearing the device might help him concentrate on his studies. (As he put it the appliance might get his mind off of sex). Against that background she knew he had been masturbating, and wanted to find a cure for what she considered was a nasty habit that distracted him from both her and his work.

In the final email Tina told me that she felt more than a little uncomfortable with the way things turned out. In a sense she felt that maybe they had went too far with the games. She was not at all sure she wanted femdom as a real part of her life. She felt like she could be a mistress for her husband, but had harbored serious reservations about whether is was right for them as a couple.
As Tina escalated the situation on that Saturday afternoon she continued to hope that her husband would find the inner strength to push back. What kind of a man she asked me would willingly surrender his car keys or wallet to his wife.  I could have added what kind of a man allows his wife to order for him in a restaurant, or doesn't say a word because he has been placed in silent mode, but from experience I know most any submissive male could be trained to obey these simple directives.

From what I can gather the breaking point for Tina came when they were back at the apartment.
There was an argument over something stupid. In front of the girlfriend Tina's husband got down on his knees to beg for whatever it was he wanted.  Instead of playing the game Tina told me she slapped him hard on the face. She told him to be a man, but all he could do was to kiss her feet as a  way of apologizing. He also started to cry. In her words to me she saw him as something less than a man.

Early on in the exchange Tina mentioned that the reason for the friends visit was that her dorm was shut down for the holiday. The plan was for the friend to sleep on the sofa bed, and fly out the next day to join her family on vacation. Instead, Tina decided to have her husband sleep on the sofa. That evening she had him change the bed sheets and clean up the apartment. The words she used on him were very strong she told me.  She told him something to the effect that if he can't be a real man at least he could be a real maid.

As Tina and I visited it became more and more apparent that she wanted her story told. In my opinion the show of submission in front of the friend revealed the size of the fissure between her and her husband. As a type of accommodation to him she was willing to play the game. In the right circumstance she was even willing to offer a touch of reality. However, what she couldn't accept was the  debt of submission that her husband displayed.  In my opinion Tina is reaching for answers . What I see is a typical young wife who is striving to accommodate a husband who is pushing for more than she is willing to give. 'Where this femdom thing goes', she told me 'I don't know'.


Love, Kathy

Punishment, A quick Aside

This has been a different type of Christmas for John and I.  We usually spend time with one or two of the children. This year they were both committed to the other family. Those of you who have married children understand exactly what I am saying. Either way we had a good Christmas with neighborhood parties and events at the golf club. The time away has given me an opportunity to catch up with emails. For a person who takes pride in returning emails I have been derelict as some of my unreturned emails go back for months.

Following the publication of 'Punishment, A quick Aide' there was an updated email from Tina.
For those of you who do not know she is the young lady who was the subject of the post. Parts of her email made me laugh. Other parts gave me a more profound understanding of her situation. Her email opened with the simple phrase to the effect that your readers must think I am a terrible bitch. What I came to realize is that to understand Tina you first need to understand her situation.

My first thought was that yes the readers may think you are indeed a bitch. Aftercall, any wife who punishes a husband in front of a friend must have something of a cruel streak in her. Tina explained that her girlfriend was in fact her best friend in college. Before marriage they had been suite mates.
As suites mates in college they were routinely accustomed to sharing information about the guys they dated. Speaking as a former college girl I can tell you that this is not unusual in any way shape or form. She had already shared the story about her husband, then boyfriend, being on the submissive side. In some ways this may seem strange, but from what I can gather she considered it kind of a sweet spot rather than a criticism.

Over the past year Tina's friend had been over to the apartment on numerous occasions. On a couple of those occasions she had allowed the husband to fix and serve dinner. The way Tina described it there was nothing much kinky about it. The husband enjoyed serving, and they enjoyed bossing him around in a light hearted manner. Sometimes they would go out to a local club leaving the husband at home. It was not to be kinky, it was more that he had a 'ton' of studying to do as he was in law school.
They would Uber to the club, and  call him for a pick up. If he wasn't to busy they would have a night cap together, and to tease him  would talk about the guys that asked them to dance. The point of what she was trying to tell me, I think, is that the friend was already aware of the nuances of their relationship.

On the particular day Tina tells me that she was aware of traffic issues on the expressway. She was not so much trying to order him which way to go as much as she was trying to give him advice. Instead, he took a chauvinistic attitude that he knew best, and this is what seemed to cause her discomfort with the situation. The fact that he took this attitude in front of her friend added to the hostilities of the moment. Arriving at the theater she felt that this was not a situation to simply ignore.
They had been playing femdom games. She remembered a statement I had made in an email that a well disciplined man will willingly wait both on you and for you.

The words that Tina used in her email were simply that she seized the moment. It would do him good, she thought, to be punished for being disrespectful to her. Her girl friend from the dorm might be a little surprised, but it was not the end of the world she told me. Once again the girlfriend had been involved in some of their femdom games. As I read this part of her email the thought occurred to me was what is so wrong  if anything with having a sweet submissive husband serve dinner to you and a friend.  

The interesting part of the experiment was not so much the punishment, but the husband's response to it. He couldn't believe she told me that I really had the balls to punish him. Yes, he was embarrassed she told me, but it was also like something he had been waiting for. In the restaurant and on the way back to the apartment she gave her husband the command of silence. In the past this command had been a part of some of their play sessions. The difference was that this time it was not play.

The email exchange with Tina went back and forth several times. From the first email I remembered that the husband was locked. My question to Tina was would he had accepted her punishment if not for the fact that there was a chastity device placed around his private parts. She wasn't really sure she told me, but her feeling was that having her guy locked made it easier for him to accept punishment.
My other question to her was would you have really kept him locked for a month if he had disobeyed your commend. That response was an unquestioned yes.

Love Kathy

Punishment, A Quick Aside

In the last posting the comment was made that some of the best punishments are the simplest. In that regard I would like to share a story with you about a young woman who has been reading the blog for about a year. We have emailed back and forth on a few occasions and I have gotten to know her basic situation. She and her husband are both college students living in married housing at a private university. If I read her emails correctly she is an undergraduate. Her husband is in law school. They are in what I call the experimental age. They are young, newly married, and away from the traditional restraints of family and long term friends.

Shortly before being married last year the husband came to her with a request to have something of a female led relationship. According to what she told me, 'he liked the idea of her being in control'.
The concept of her being in control was never something she ever wanted, but she was open to experimentation. In the beginning he described himself as something of a service submissive. He liked to do house hold cleaning and laundry and generally take care of things for her. The caveat was that he needed to do things at her command. In the emails she told me that she was fine with the concept. She had no problem with him cleaning the toilets and changing the bed sheets if that was what a femdom relationship was all about.

After a few months of married life he asked if she would collar him. He also asked if she would lead him through the apartment on a leash. In her words that was too wacky for her and she said no.
They did get into some femdom games, and he developed the custom of calling her mistress.
She emphasized it was all about fun and she did not take the idea of being her husband's mistress
seriously. In fact she tells me that she kind of giggled every time he called her mistress.

One part of the femdom experience she did enjoy was having her husband pick up and wash the dinner dishes. According to he emails they would sit and talk at the table until she gave him the command to pick up. He usually responded with a yes mistress type remark. She enjoyed the luxury of relaxing while he spent the ten or fifteen minutes necessary to pick up and make lunches for the next day. In a sense it gave her the feeling of what it was to be a real mistress, and there was a part of her that liked it.

A part of their femdom games involved punishment. In the beginning the so called punishment was nothing more than play. It often involved one of those play floggers that is good for show, but doesn't hurt. One a couple of occasions she wrote to me for ideas. I recommended corner time which can be a real punishment if you keep the guy on his knees long enough. I also recommended the idea of sending him to the store with a ribbon in his hair. Once or twice she went in the store after him, but pretended she didn't know who he was. It was fun to laugh at him while watching other people's reactions.  At one time he asked if he could wear some of her underwear. Her things were really too small. So, for his birthday present she took him to the plus size store to buy panties for him.
That turned out better than she expected as the young sales girl was very accommodating.

 On several occasions he  made a request to wear a chastity appliance with her as his key holder. At the time she told me that the request 'kind of' scared her. He gave her some books and mentioned a few web sites that might help her learn more about these devices. It took her a while to understand, and even then she told me that she just went along with him as the entire concept of femdom and chastity seemed so strange. They ended up buying a device on line. She told me that it actually gave her a good feeling to know that her husband was locked and that she held the key. She mainly locked him on weekends for play. To more or less sum up her comments she told me that her husband was much more attentive while wearing device so she tended to have him wear it all weekend. She also learned to link release with his grades in law school as a way of motivating him to study harder.

Yesterday evening I received a really cute email from this young lady. Along with a girlfriend she and her husband decided to attend a movie last Saturday afternoon.  On the way to the movie she instructed him on which route to take. On his own the husband decided to take another route and got the three of them stuck in heavy traffic on the expressway. When they finally arrived at the theater, she tells me, she calmly instructed her husband to hand over  his wallet, along with the keys to the car.  For not following instructions she told the husband that he would not be attending the movie with them, but would instead remain waiting on the outside of the theater. The look on the husband's face was incredible she told me. As was more or less usual for a Saturday he was wearing the chastity appliance. She then added that unless he wanted to stay locked for the for the next month he had better be there waiting there as they exited the theater.

This lady went on to tell me that he is the one who wanted a femdom type arrangement. On that day he got he got a taste of what real femdom was all about she told me. Her girlfriend thought it was a 'hoot', and they laughed about it for the rest of the afternoon while teasing him about what a good movie it was. She was not sure which part of the punishment was the most effective, the boredom of waiting, or the humiliation in front of her girlfriend.

After the movie the two girls decided to go for a drink and snacks. 'Would you like to come in with us', she asked the husband. 'Yes', he replied. She said something to the effect that she hadn't heard an apology from him. 'I'm sorry' he replied. "I'm Sorry who", she made a point of answering in front of her friend. "I'm sorry, Mistress." he nervously answered with a bow of his head. From what she tells me the girlfriend was more than a little surprised by the exchange, and they latter shared a giggle at the husband's expense.

In the restaurant she couldn't help but talk about the experience with her girlfriend. 'He really wants you to boss him around', the girlfriend asked on several occasions. Her feeling was that in a strange sought of way her husband was really enjoying the humiliation of being totally outed in front of this friend. Once, when he started to speak, she showed him the key and told him to be quite while the women were talking. 'Yes mistress', he responded.  She even took the step of ordering for him. My interpretation of the experience was that it put the husband into a deep state of 'sub space' where by he was totally under his wife's authority. On that Saturday afternoon this couple was not playing at femdom as she was really the one who was in control. She had the courage to use her female authority in a way that taught her husband a useful lesson about obedience. She pressed the envelope in a way that her husband never expected.

Can any of you relate to this experience?


Love you all for reading.


Kathy

Punishment......

Well, I think we had some really great comments to the last posting.

Discipline is a difficult concept to explain, but when it is there you know it.

Just about all of you know my story. It began with Tara and the studio. This young lady preferred to work with couples. She loved the feeling of watching a wife learn the ways of being an effective mistress to her husband. She often commented that if more women learned to use their natural authority over their men the divorce rate would be much lower. Tara detested the dungeon word that is most commonly used by women in the trade. Her establishment was a studio or a place where artist and sculptors worked. She though of herself and her girls as artist. In spite of having a certain common core of needs, every client was unique. It was up to us to us to identify those special needs.  She understood the courage it took for a man to open up to his wife about his need for female authority. She also understood the courage it took for a woman to accompany her man to the studio.

One of the good things Tara did was to form a small number of us into a group. At one time we would meet every month, talk about things, and sometimes cry on one another's shoulders.  It was such a blessing to have friends in the lifestyle. On  more than one of those monthly meeting we discussed the issue of punishment. On the day before one of the women had punished her husband with a spanking and corner time. One of the other women asked if the punishment was really for the husband's benefit or for her benefit. 'What do you mean', was the reply. 'Well, was the purpose of the punishment to make you feel better or him worse' was the answer.  That got us into the issue of punishment and its purpose.

What we kind of decided  was that the purpose of punishment was to make a man feel 'badly' for offending us in some way. It was easy for our group to identity ways in which our guys caused us to be become angry -talking back, disobedience, cheating, or simply lack of respect. What we agreed upon was that the method of punishment was not important. What was more important was the context in which the punishment was given. We had to be serious about it. Punishment was not about playing some type of femdom game. What we realized was that a simple punishment such as taking away a fishing trip or football game could be more beneficial than a spanking. In the right context a dose of humiliation could also be beneficial. Among us girls having a guy wear a ribbon in his hair could be funny and embarrassing for him, but it was not really punishment. Having him wear the same ribbon on the streets or in a public store could send a message. Likewise, having him wear the ribbon in front of another man -subject to cat calls and such could be a way of teaching your guy a lesson that he was likely to remember for along time.

One of the things we all learned from Tara was that if your husband wants you to be the boss than it was best to become the boss. What was important was to elevate the femdom experience from the level of a game to becoming a real mistress who expected obedience. In the that regard the purpose of punishment was to send a message that you are indeed the mistress and he is the one who has pledged to obey.  A punishment as simple as replacing a football game with extra house work was generally more effective than a more elaborate punishment that was more like a game for him. We also learned that being a mistress to a man was nothing to be ashamed of. She taught us to take pride in who we were and what we had accomplished with our men. In her words women who punished were women of substance. And, she made the point that what submissive men most needed in their lives was a woman of substance who could take control of him. Punishment, she said was about love, not hate.

On an everyday basis I try to live my life as a woman of substance. We love, we kiss and we hold hands, but behind the affection is a reminder of who wears the pants in our relationship.  As a mistress wife, a woman of substance, punishment is both a right and a duty. Punishment is part of the control process that makes our relationship work. It is like the oil in an engine that allows the parts to turn and rub together. And yes, it is part of the artistry that comes with managing the man whom I love.

Love you all for reading. Have a great Christmas.


Kathy

Punishment.....

As I am writing the words for this posting John is in Command Position in front of me.

A few minutes ago John delivered my first cup of coffee of the morning. Yes, his little curtsy was both polite and respectful as it should be, but it was also very sweet. Being a mistress wife is not about forcing a man to do things he doesn't want to do. It is about giving him the freedom and discipline to be the person he wants to be. As a woman I am fortunate to have such a sweet loving man as my husband. What doesn't always come out correctly in the blog is that he takes pleasure in serving me. John sees himself as a slave, my slave, and he loves the feeling of belonging to me.

What took me a long time to understand is that John has a natural need for female authority in his life. Thirty years ago I would never have thought that a grown man would have a need for female authority. The studio experience taught me that male need for feminine control is much more common than anyone would suspect. It is not universal, but it is real. As a society that is supposed to be liberally educated it is something that we seem to turn a blind eye to.

Training John to respond to the snap of my fingers by dropping into Command Position is a part of our family discipline program. A person not fariliar with submissv men who has not been initiated into the ways of the male personality might wonder how could a woman train a man in this fashion. Surely, the person would say that a healthy intelligent man in today's society could never be trained to perform this humiliating action. Yet, here is my husband who as an educated engineer with leadership experience desires nothing more than being the living chattel of a wife who takes total charge of him. The locked collar John wears around his neck is a pleasing reminder that he belongs to me. And yes, the collar is a pleasing reminder to both of us. John once told me that he feels naked without his collar.

The exercise this morning is part John's program of discipline. It is not punishment. As I hit the keys on the computer I glance at John to confirm his body remains perfectly still as is expected of him. As his wife I love him. As his mistress I take pride in fact that he is obedient and  under my control. By this time my coffee is becoming colder. It is time to give him the command to 'kneel up' so that we can talk about the activities of the morning. There will be some chores. The house needs to be made ready for Christmas. Carol, our neighbor, has also asked if John might help her husband with moving some furniture. Yes, of course, I replied, what time would you like me to send him over I asked.

It may sound simple, but learning to 'direct' instead of 'asking' is kind of a challenge for most women.
Tara taught me that the simplest commands are often the best. John is now kneeling up. My touch on the cup's edge is my way of directing him for a refill. 'Yes Mistress' is his reply as he rises. In the kneeling up position he is allowed to speak without permission. A man who takes pride in his service is a treasure. My job is less about punishment than it is about giving John the structure he needs to be a contented submissive man living under the authority of his wife.

So tell me how many of you 'get' this posting? How many of you understand the feeling of wearing a collar? In many femdom families the function of the collar has been replaced by a chastity device.
And though John has never had the experience of being locked, an appliance would make an excellent Christmas gift. He is hopeful. How many of you are hoping to be locked for Christmas?

Love you for reading.


Kathy


.

Punishment....

It seems like I have been away from the blog for so long. John and I were out of town for Thanksgiving.  This, however, was a special year. Our son, his wife and baby were able to join us for part of the weekend. And yes, once again I am a grandmother.  Having the Thanksgiving celebration in Becky's home made it all the more special. And, in her home Becky is the boss. Each year Becky and her husband seem to grow closer together. Each year she seems to grow more confident both as a woman and as a mistress. We don't understand the why of it, but for some men having a mistress in their life is a requirement for happiness. David is one of these men.

It has been many months, Becky tells me since she has felt the need to spank David with the hair brush. What surprised me is that she made the comment in front of both him and John, and did so with a smile. For a moment I may have detected a slight blush on David's face, but he handled the remark extremely well. While Becky meant the remark as a compliment, statements such as this in front of another man can sometimes cause difficulty. With the remark I could see David's face glancing toward John in an effort to gage his reaction.

David has become a model of the new age male who takes pride in service/obedience to his wife. He understood Becky's comment as the compliment it was meant to be, but saying it in front of John was a mistake. When your man behaves well, or simply pleases you in some way there is noting wrong with complimenting him. Sometimes a compliment can be as simple as a little kiss on the cheek. Becky has developed the habit of giving David a love tap on his rear as a sign of her appreciation.
In some ways I believe the love tap is a better form of reward than a kiss as it is also a reminder as to  wears the pants in the relationship.

When the children were growing up we enrolled them in various sports programs. Becky played volleyball and tennis. Our son was more into baseball and football. A part of what we wanted was for them to enjoy playing the game. Another important part of sports was learning discipline.
While the term was difficult to define we wanted them to understand the importance of rules and of protocols. We wanted them to understand the importance of being there on time, of trying their best, and being a part of something that was bigger than just the individual.

Just as baseball players accept the discipline that comes with being a member of the team, men need to accept the rules and protocols of the house. As I recall this was a must for clients of the studio.
For example men were never allowed to ever touch a female unless given permission. They were only allowed to speak when a woman asked a question or other wise gave them permission. In the home the rules may not be as severe as in the studio, but there are rules that govern male behavior in the home. In our home John is expected to perform a polite curtsy when brining my morning coffee.
When summoned  with the call bell he is required to immediately stop what he is doing, and come to me. Anytime he sees dirty dishes in the sink or on the counter he is expected to pick them up. These are just small examples of the many rules that help to establish the framework of our lives.

Most of the rules and protocols of our home are fairly normal for a couple in our lifestyle.  Some of the rules are clearly articulated, some are simply understood. It is these rules and protocols that form the basis for what I call discipline. By being taught these things john has become what I call a disciplined man. Like the baseball player who fails to follow the rules of the game John will be punished for a failure to follow the rules of his home. As his mistress it is my responsibility to insure that John understands the rules. It is my responsibility to train him to do things my way. As a side note many of you may remember what Key's book said on the issue of doing things her way. This is part of the process I call discipline.

The question than becomes when and how do we discipline. The when is that we do it every day.
Men have no idea how easy it is to discipline them. Most of the time they don't realize it is happening. Women have a type of natural authority over men. It is quite, it is subtle, but it is real.
Many men are effectively living in something of a female led marriage without even realizing it.
If you were to ask them the response would be that they are not in a female led or femdom marriage, but in reality the wife has trained them to obey and make her the center of their lives. If they were to ask the wife if she wanted a femdom marriage she would most probably answer in the negative.
However, in reality it is the wife that controls things, and the man lives to please her.

Having men respond to your voice, your smile, your touch is a part of what makes being a woman so very special.

Love you for reading,


Kathy

Punishment...

O'gosh, once again the comments are predicating the direction of the blog. And, for me at least that is a good thing. As any one else, besides Joel, had the though that feminism is kind of a dog whistle for female supremacy? 

In response to yesterday's posting Becky gave me a call. 'You know mom, when the guys hear the tap of her heels they immediately get back to working'. In that instance Becky was talking about David's female supervisor. Just like every office people have a tendency to talk, waste time, or play on the computer, but it is all business when they hear the sound of the lady boss coming their way. Becky went on to say that in retrospect the situation in David' s office is not really bad. He had a very good review with a decent pay raise. 'She' also told David that he had a good future with the company. 

'She' was very pleased with David in that he did not show resentment to her promotion. In 'her' view it was still difficult being a female supervisor in a department with men. 'She' also understood that David might have a difficult time working in her department. 

The other email was from a lady who has followed the blog for some time. This lady was commenting on Becky's situation. Yes, she said, feminism has a way of making certain things more difficult for us, but like the song says-look how much we're gained. We still look to our men to be protectors. Walking on a dark street I  clutch John's hand for security. He is my man- my rock when the world becomes a scary place. Thank you Alex for reminding me of this. And, perhaps one of the reasons femdom is not more socially acceptable is the idea that we still think of men as  protectors.

In the office David has learned to attach himself to the new boss. He sees her as a rising star in the company, and he hopes that she will bring him along with her. As time goes by we shell see what happens. It may be that David is one of several who are competing to be in her favor. What perhaps is different about the office situation is that David see the boss lady as his protector.

Since the topic of this series is punishment let me leave you with an idea. Working in the studio I learned a little about the topic from Tara.  She taught me that effective punishment  was about the entire experience. What I once told Becky is that it all starts with discipline. It is important for a man to understand the rules. It is equally important for him to understand that he will be held accountable for any infractions of the rules. In some femdom homes the women allow their husbands a voice in the making of the rules. In other homes the men are simply told. Either way a man needs to understand that the rules and protocols of the home apply to him. After giving David a rule or  protocol Becky will ask David if he understands. She may also have him repeat the direction back to her.

The next phase of punishment is related to the action actually being taken. In most situations the context in which action is taken is more important than the action itself.  In the studio Tara was a master at framing a punishment so that its effects would be magnified. Once I witnessed her giving a client a spanking. She had him naked bent over a bench in the most humiliating position imaginable. She knew he was divorced with an adult daughter. 'What would you daughter think if she saw you like this', she would ask him. With a few simple words she was able to change the context in which the punishment was given. She understood how to make the pain of the humiliation real for this man. She might even threaten to find the daughter or the wife and send them a picture of him in a tutu. She, of course, would never do it, but it made the studio experience more real.

As wives who sometimes punish their men we have a tendency to forget about after care. What we forget is that being punished by a wife is a deeply emotional experience for most men. In a sense punishment strips a man of the emotional attachment to the male ego. It more or less frees his psychic from many aspects of male toxicity. This freeing of the psychic allows the adult man to become the loving, obedient husband that both he and the mistress want him to be. In talks with Becky I have always stressed the importance of after care. In many ways after care is the most important part of the punishment. It is often the part of the punishment that will stay with a man after the sting of the whip is forgotten.

And yes, before going away, I want to say that in a femdom marriage punishment is the duty of the wife. And, for those of you who missed the above statement I will say it once again. In a femdom marriage punishment, when necessary, is a duty of the wife. And there is one more yes. In marriages with older daughters, such as Richard's, it is the responsibility of the wife to educate.


Love you all for reading.


Kathy

Punishment..

While, thank all of your for the great comments.

Many of the best comments are those that force me to think about things. And lets face it, I don't have all  the answers. As an older woman I lived most of my life in a different age. It is the young women of today who are taking over. It is these women who ten or fifteen years from now will be running things.  From a societal  prospective these women will most likely be running their homes, their businesses, as well as their countries.

There are several really good questions for us to talk about. One of the most relevant questions came from Sara. In a world that is increasing female orientated what will be the role of men. Both my son-in law and my son work for large national companies. From both of them I hear much of the same refrain. They tell me that most of the promotions are going to the women. Yes, they say, men can be promoted, but in order to receive that promotion they must work harder and longer than the women. Wherever it is possible or convenient to promote a woman companies are doing so.

Earlier this year much of what we are talking about hit home for my son in law. With the idea of increasing sales the division of the company he works for was reorganized. A young woman was put in charge of the reformed division as his immediate supervisor. This would not have been an issue with him except for the fact that 'she' is newer with the company and appears to have less experience. 'Does it bother him', I asked Becky?

Becky's response was that he doesn't mind working for a woman, but he resents the fact that 'she' received the promotion. From what I gathered they were both contenders for the job. Becky tells me that 'she' has been with the company less times, and has less product knowledge. The feeling from Becky was along the lines that her looks may have had something to do with the promotion.
According to David 'she' was also very good at making friends with the higher ups. In Becky's opinion the promotion had more to do with political correctness than anything else. In today's world it is becoming politically correct to extend a hand to any female with some leadership potential.

Of the two of them Becky was more upset than David. Up to a point promoting woman is fine she told me. However, when a company uses a gender version of affirmative action as part of their personnel policy it affects everyone in some ways. Becky reminded me how I was able to take several years off from work when the children were young. 'Mom, you know, I can't do that' she told me. 'My salary is not extra, it is what we live on', was her quote. David does more than Daddy did, but it would be nice to spend more time with the children while they are young. She would like to be there when they get off from school, and be the one to make their afternoons snacks. And, back then you had grandma there to help you, she reminded me. Now we live in different cities and you can't be there for me in the same way grandma was there for you.

The last part of Becky's comment had a bit of a sting to it. In today's world we all live in different places. I love the children, I love to visit with them. The fact is that living in different cities makes it impossible to be the same type of grandmother as my mother was to the children. In today's world we go to where the jobs are. It is my concern that one day Becky may need to accept a job in a city even further away than Atlanta. And, yes there are times when I would like to be the traditional grandmother who would always be available when a need arises.

Going fast forward a few months David is learning to adjust. He tells Becky there is a different culture in the office. People are expected to be there on time, and are expected to get their work done.
There is less playing around. There are no longer the dirty jokes. And, the women are treated with  more respect. Likewise, the new female manager treats him with a certain respect he didn't always receive from the former boss. She listens to what he has to say, and gives him credit for his ideas. According to David she is more of a team leader, and has made David feel like he is an important member of the team. In trying to define her version of leadership he uses the word colligative a great deal.

Even though he was passed over for promotion he now understands the why of it. She may have had less product knowledge than the men, but she has a different way of working. She gets things done her way. Her way is more of a feminine way, but it gets results David says. And guess what, David tells me that even the men are happier under her leadership. If she allowed him he would love to be the guy who gets her coffee in the morning or picks up her lunch, but that is not what 'she' is about. 'She' expects results. In her office, David says, there is no room for partonomy.

At this moment I have no real answer for Sara's question. Yet, I believe a part of the answer is that the men will learn to adjust and to fit into a world that is increasing run by women. It may take a generation or so but it will happen. It is happening as we talk. The other part of the social equation is that it means new roles for women. We are all in a time of rapid change.

Love you for reading.


Kathy

Punishment.

Thank all of you who took time to think about the topic and to post.

For the last week or so I have been away from the blog. The simple truth is that I am having difficulty thinking about it. Over the summer months  John and I detoxed from the internet. It was really a good feeling in a lot of ways. On our stays in campgrounds we had the opportunity to meet with people from all over. It was fun.

For those of you who are addicted to the internet and to blogs of any kind my advice is to remove your self from the computer. This advice is especially important for those of you who have a  mistress to serve. The computer is no substitute for real life. And for the ladies who read this blog, my advice it to get your guy off his computer. If there is nothing better to do send him to cooking school or to a sewing class.  (Or buy a pleated skirt and teach him to iron it).

The second part of the punishment series has been posted on the Thinktank blog. It is a well written post and it is my hope that each of you read it. Without going into detail there are two points that I would like to make. First, in a femdom marriage it is the wife's duty to punish. Second, as it says on the Think Tank posting, punishment can bring a couple closer together. It is difficult for women to understand, but men want to know that their wife-their mistress- will hold them accountable.  They want and they need the punishment. It is about who they are as people.  It is about their internal needs that make them who they are.

This morning John and I went to vote. We talked about the election and who was running for what. And yes, he voted the way I decided. As I read on the internet this election is really about the growth of female power in public life. Ten years ago I did not see this coming. It is my hope that all of you vote today. Whether you are republican, democrat, or independent it is my hope that you participate in the election process. And yes, vote for the candidate that your wife choses.

This past week we hosted a small meet and greet at our home. Only women were invited as either voters or as candidates. The idea was to talk about the issues that are important to women. The only male present was John who served wine and cheese to the ladies. It was something of a magic moment for him. As a submissive man charged with the responsibility of serving a group of women he was in his element. For me there was one embarrassing instance. Our neighbor asked John to bring her a glass of wine. He apparently answered with something like a 'yes mistress' remark. A little later Carol asked me about the comment. 'Why did John answer like that' she asked me. 'I can't imagine' I  responded.

Love  you all. Be good to yourselves, and especially to the lady in your life. If she allows you a privilege thank her. A privilege can be as simple as watching a ball game or as rewarding as kneeling in front of her. A privilege for my baby is being allowed to worship my feet which he does with intensity of  a while man.

Kathy

Punishment

For the most part I continue to look at life from the center of my little bubble. There are things that I get wrong and every so often there is something that I get right. Like everyone else I look at life's challenges from a certain prospective. For the most part I try not to be overly preachy, but living with a submissive husband tends to put the whip in my hand. It is not that I use a real whip, it is just that some men expect you to give them their marching orders. After a while it all seems so very normal that it tends to color all of your relationships and the way in which you do things.

It is time to talk about punishment. Too many marriages fail because the wife neglects her duties in this area. It is difficult to be more clear about this. A part of the duty of being a loving spouse in a femdom marriage is the obligation of punishment.  Punishment should not be gratuitous. It should only be handed out when there is reason for doing so. Without punishment there is a general lack of accountability for the husband. If there were no report card given in school would students strive for the best grades. Probably not. The lack of accountability in a relationships breeds mediocrity.

If there are no consequences why should a man try his hardest to please his mistress. If average effort is enough to get him by that is all he will do. But, if he observes mistress reaching for the whip you can be sure that he will take heed. Once again I use the whip word in kind of a symbolic way. It is importance for the male to understand what it is you expect from him. Of course we all want love and respect. Yet, femdom goes beyond that. From John I want obedience and a certain degree of service.
If I am going to take the lead in our marriage he is going to be the follower. He is the one who will be mopping floors and scrubbing toilets. He is the one who will be taking the orders. And, orders are orders not suggestions.

As mentioned on the Think Tank blog punishment is a difficult area for most women. The idea of punishing a grown man whom you love seems to go against the laws of nature. Yet, whether we realize it or not, we have all punished men at some time in our lives. The most common method is the silent treatment. How many of you have received this from of punishment  from the lady in your life.
She decides how long it will last, and it will usually last until you make amends. As a young teenager I understood the power of the silent treatment and used it on my dates. If a guy caused me to be upset for any reason it was a way of handling the situation. Weather I realized it or not the silent treatment was a way for me to exercise some control over the boy. Along with the silent treatment there was no good night hug and kiss.

As we grow into adult hood we continue to use the silent treatment along with denying the good night hugs and kisses to our guys. Does it still work. Yes, it does to a point. Yet, as a mistress there is the need for more direct control over the situation. There is a need for a firm way of letting your guy know  you are in charge of the situation and that his behavior is not acceptable. For a start you can tell him. On small matters the look on your face may be sufficient to send the signal. This is especially good in public situations where a verbal remark is out of place or embarrassing.

Once John and I were at a neighborhood party where his attentions to an attractive young lady gave me some concern. Pulling him to the side, 'you are going home' I told him. 'Why', he asked.
You know why I told him, but we will talk about it at home. And, give me the keys to the car. 'How will I get home' he asked. 'Walking', I responded. And, don't you dare call a cab, I told him.
'Do you understand me', I asked in a low tone of voice. He responded with a 'yes'. 'Yes what', I responded. 'Yes mistress' he answered with a slight bow of his head.

After John left I remained at the party for another hour or so until it ended. The party  was no longer fun, but I was not going to relinquish the high ground gained when sending John home. Although a neighborhood party it still took John most of an hour to walk the distance back to the house. It was my hope that the long walk with serve as a king of punishment. What I came to understand later was that the real punishment was the look on my face combined with the realization that he had disappointed me.

Why did this punishment work. It worked for two reasons. In that moment I had the confidence to act on his behavior. I was assertive. Pulling him aside and looking directly into his eye told him that I meant business. Very few men have the ability to resist authority from an assertive, confident woman. And, at that moment I had both of these assets working for me.

For some of you in the lifestyle this little punishment may have seemed mild. Yet, what I have come to realize was that John's acceptance of this punishment was an a act  of surrender. With those two words, yes mistress, he verbally yielded the traditional male role model. To put it another way his acceptance of punishment was a clear act of surrender to my will.

Love you all for reading and for sharing. Is this a topic in which we want to spend more time.
What I would like to know more about is how you feel when your wife or girlfriend punishes you.
How did you feel the first time she did so. As a grown man would you willingly accept punishment by a woman in your life?

Femdom Think Tank

There is an excellent posting on Femdom Think Tank this morning.

I recommend that all of you read it and take the time to thank Mistress Kaylee for contributing.

Love, Kathy

The Femdom Bubble

Almost always it is the comments that get me back to the blog.

While there were several good comments it was the one from Clarence that struck a nerve with me.
It may be that the better choice of words is that his comment stuck a chord. Either way the comment
caused me pause. Yes, it is true that I live in something of a femdom bubble. It is true that I know very few people who practice the lifestyle. And no, to the best of my knowledge I have never had the opportunity to meet or talk with a switch. And, while the comment did mention some of the harmful effects of feminism, I never really thought of my self as a feminist.

Returning from our travels political signs for the November elections could be seem sprouting like weeds thru-out our neighborhood. What is a bit surprising is that almost all of the signs are for female candidates. One or two of them are for women who live very close to us. Most of the candidates appear to be on the younger side. When I was a young woman it was most difficult for a female to run for any office. Now we are actively in the running for all political offices including the presidency. On a local level the women are crowding out the men. There is a general sense that the electorate is looking to put women in positions of power.

Am I happy about this? The simple answer is yes. I am happy about both the number of female candidates as well as the added diversity they are bringing to the election process. Does this make me a feminist? Yes, maybe it does. Do I look at life from something of a femdom bubble? Yes, of course I do. And, have I learned to like living as my husbands mistress?  In case any of you are wondering that would also be a yes.

And, to play all of this forward is there anything wrong with either feminism or with femdom.
Or, a better question might be is there anything right with feminism or femdom? Feminism, as well as
femdom are social movements that may drastically affect how men and woman interact.  While there are vast differences in these movements both result in empowerment for women. Feminism will lead to female power in the work place and society at large. Femdom will result in female authority in the home and family.

While I love men and love to be with most of them they need to shed some of the toxic masculinity that comes with the Y chromosome. Instead of taking pride in the warrior mentality they need to refocus attentions to a kinder and gentler world. The world would be a better place if every young bride was given a locking device for her guy, and taught how to use it. My guess is that most men would willingly submit to having their personal equipment under lock with the key in the hands of their wife.

What I see in the world is that men are waiting for women to take the lead. Men can not resist the power of a confident assertive woman who is willing to take charge. A gentlemen wrote to me not long ago who asked if I could guess the words he likes most of all to hear from his wife. No, it was not about having intercourse. It was simply 'its time to lock up' or 'you may take it off'.
He doesn't understand the why of it he told me, but he loves the fact that his mistress wife has this type of control over him. He felt like it made him into something of a better person-a more understanding person who was in touch with his infer self.

Love you all for reading and for sharing.


Kathy

No Good Solution

For the moment there is no good solution to the blog.

This past summer was spent traveling. John and I rented a very nice camper. We acted like  old retired people without a care in the world. We traveled north and south, east and west, and even to Europe. (Without the camper, of course)

While I missed you, the readers of Femdom 101, it felt so good to be away from the computer.
One of you wrote that he was addicted to the blog. Over the summer I came to realization that I was addicted to the computer. Yes, there is happiness in life away from the computer. Yes, there is happiness away from emails and the constant cell phone interruptions that have crept into our lives.

For the moment I am not sure what will happen to the blog. For over ten years it has been an important part of who I am.  And,  maybe the time has come for me to say good by to that phase of my life. In the ten years of doing Femdom 101 there have been so many changes. The femdom lifestyle has become something of a reality for many men instead of only a fantasy. For some men it should remain just that, a fantasy. Yet, there are those men, and those brave women, who have undertaken the journey to a new way of living. A  way of living where the cultural norms we grew up with have been turned upside down.

In a way both john and I want to be more open about who we are as a couple.
There are other times thought when we realize it is no one else's business, and there is no real advantage for more openness. For all of the social upstaging done on the blog, I am in many way a stickler for traditional values. 'What happens in the home should stay in the home', my mother would tell me. Yet, there have been times when I have wanted to test the waters. What would my neighbor, Carol think, if she knew that I was John's mistress. Would I louse her as a friend or as a confident.
Would the word get out in the neighborhood that John does what ever it is that I tell him to do.
How would the other men react to him. How would they react to me. Would they think of me as the  dominatrix next door.

A number of years ago we opened up to John's sister, and then our son and daughter. Some of you may recall the post in which his sister asked questions, and the decision was made to open up some of our life to her. It was on a beach trip.  John was sent to the bedroom so that his sister and I could  talk. She seemed to understand, but did she. If his parents had still been arrive what would they think, I wondered. What would Carol think if she knew that John was trained to drop to the floor at the snap of my fingers.

And, then I wonder if our type of relationship is too far beyond the pale of what most femdom marriages consider as acceptable. Once, I said that every young woman should have the opportunity to work at a place like the studio. Yes, of course, the studio was about money, but Tara taught the girls to care about the wellbeing of the clients. It was not just about 'soaking' them for the cash as much as it was about giving them the experiences they couldn't get at home. And, it was for this reason why the studio was so successful. The men wanted to come back. They even paid for the privilege of scrubbing floors and toilets.

It took me some time to understand the magic of the studio. At first I wondered why it was that  men were coming to this place where there was no sex. In fact, men were not ever allowed to 'touch' unless given permission. That rule went so far as they were not allowed to even kiss the shoes of a woman unless given permission. In the studio all females were considered women, while all males were considered boys. In later life I learned there was a lot of merit in that approach to the genders.
For too long society has considered males as the stronger more dominant sex.

Most of us want our husbands to be happy as well as content with their lives. From the studio experience I learned that keeping a man satisfied may sometimes mean a leash and a collar.
While this will sound sick or perverted to the uninitiated, a leash and collar is an effective way of letting a guy know you are the boss. And, letting a guy know you are the boss is a key to his happiness. One of the things I told my daughter is to never miss a day in which he has the opportunity to kneel, kiss your feet and pledge himself to you.

The best kept secret in the world is that most men are naturally obedient to women. Not only are they naturally obedient, they are natural servants to the woman who takes the time to train them. If I wanted to I could work John until he collapsed. If given the choice of freedom or of being a slave he would opt for the status of slave. Some of you may challenge me on this statement, but there is a power that we possess that is strong enough to control most men. If is up to us, as women, to use if for the good of our men and of the good of society.

Love you all for reading.


Kathy

I Am still here

Yes, thank all of you for the concern.

And, yes I will return to the blog. This summer John and I rented a camper and traveled around the United States and into Canada. Our adventure is not yet finished.

What I can tell you is that the detachment from conventual life, and especially detachment from computers felt wonderful. We have met so many people. We have shared dinners and cocktails with people all across America. We have witnessed  beautiful sunsets against the western sky. We have crossed deserts and mountain ranges. On occasion we have even slept under the stars.

If all goes well we will return in a few weeks. And yes, my in box has over a thousands emails that have not been returned.

I do miss all of you.


Love,


Kathy

All For Love

This will be my last posting for several weeks.

This is the time of year when John and I go traveling. A part of the plan is to spend some quality time with both out children, and once again become acquainted with our grand children. Beyond that we expect to drive through many-many American states, and at least a couple of Canadian provinces. We are both looking forward to the freedom that comes with the open road. We may also do some camping in the Canadian Rockies.

Being your husband's mistress may not be something that most women aspire to, but for me it is a very satisfying experience that I have come to appreciate. Yes, there is the freedom that comes from being your own woman; from not having to answer to anyone. From time to time it is fun to remind your guy that he answers to you, not you to him. It is also a special treat to know that he appreciates being your submissive, doing as told when and how he is told. As Key mentions in his book he learns to do things Her way, and Her way intrinsically becomes his way. If you want to take a job you take it. If you want to quit the job you quit. The simple truth is that I have come to like being in control of my own destiny. Truthfully, a husband has no need to know how much money you have in the bank, or how you  decide to spend it. And, he is best taught that this is none of his business unless you want him to know, and there are times when I do.

As for John he may not always like doing what he is told, but he does like the idea of having a mistress wife who more or less directs things. This past Saturday night we booked a table at a nice restaurant.  The decision for him to dress up in a  spot coat with a tie was mine. When he started to complain about wearing the tie, I gave him the look that  reminded him of who is the boss and of who is the submissive. There was then a 'yes ma'am' accompanied by a little curtsy that told me that he received the message. And yes, I like to be with men who are well dressed. Dressing up nicely for a dinner or any type of outing is a way for a man to show respect for his lady. Even as a teenager I liked boys in suits. Once a boy picked me up for a date wearing a very nice coat and tie. In the car I gave him a  little  peck of a kiss. 'What is that for', he asked. For dressing up so nicely', I responded. Yes, even back then I liked the idea that he was dressing up for me. And yes, if anyone wants to know I select all of John's clothes.

But, to truly understand the femdom experience, and what it means to a woman you have go beyond the idea of having a man submit to your authority. You need to go beyond the idea of having a man in your service. To understand femdom from a female prospective you need to appreciate the intimacy that comes with the femdom experience. 'Tell me what you are thinking', I say to John. Yes, tell me what you are thinking about this minute', I will repeat to him. And yes, our relatisnhip is such as he will honestly and clearly tell me what he is thinking. A little while back we were out with another couple who are in a female directed relationship. A very young, pretty, and shapely girl walked
by with her date. Like most well behaved men John understood to turn his head away from her. 'Would you like to look at her', I asked. 'Yes', was his honest reply. 'Well, you may look for a moment or two, but no staring' I told him. The other lady- my friend- told her guy he couldn't look.
'You are so liberal with him', my friend remarked. All four of us shared a laugh, but I did notice that
the other gentlemen kept his head down.' Some of you may remember Liz from the early part of the blog. She was a mentor to me, and to this day remains so.

Most of you have heard the expression two hearts beating as one. In a way this is femdom. A uniquely personal relationship with another individual based on love and caring. In a sense a wife brings hippieness to a man by completing him, by making him into whole person. A mistress wife understands that in the absence of female authority a man is not complete. Like mosses in the desert some men will wonder for years looking for that perfect person who will complete his life. While they may not realize it many of these men are looking for women who have the inner strength to lead them to the promised land.  In a real sense these men are looking for the woman who has the mental strength to place a collar and leash around their neck, clamp it closed, and claim them as a the most personal of their processions.


Love, Kathy

Some Quick thoughts On A Monday Morning.

This is not really suppose to be a series, but the comment from Key made me think back on his book.
For one thing, as a moderator, I could have done a better job. The truth is that it had been some time since my reading, and my memory of the book had been somewhat rusty. As John and I have adopted the pledge as a part of our daily talk it was that part of the book which was front and center on my agenda. But, there are other parts of the book that deserve special attention.

Once again my belief is that Key's book has something to offer for most couples regardless of the level or intensity of their relationship. Even for more so called vanilla couples the examples of silent support are something that every man should be aware of. We hear so many times that the wife is not interested in femdom. The simple truth is that she may not be interested in any type of relationship with a femdom sounding name, but she may be interested in leading or taking more charge of her man, or even  becoming head of house. Words do have meaning, and while a man can't trick his wife into a femdom relationship there might be times when changing the words can help. I would encourage each of you to read through the addendum called silent support. As the book says there are ways to become a better spouse while helping  your wife succeed and blossom. It is about enriching her life. And, the magical thing is that by enriching her life, a loving husband will enrich is own life.

But today I want to talk just a little about the fifteen guidelines that a husband can use as a quick reference. The first one is to surrender to a wife/girlfriend's natural authority. The question than becomes do women have some type of natural authority over men. My simple answer is yes. A little while back we talked about how as a young girl Becky was able to get her father to drive her and her friends wherever they wanted to go. Our son was told to take the bus. Well not quite, but it was different with him. The point is that even our daughter could have her way with John.
While she may not have realized it, her request for assistance were just about the same as an instruction to do something. John could tell our son no, but he could never tell Becky no. Is it any wonder that she is now a mistress to a devoted husband.


Looking back on our pre femdom years John was always ready to do as he was instructed. From a technical point of view, I might have asked would you like to do this or that this weekend, but his answer was always 'whatever you want'. In our present relationship he is simply told what the plans are for the weekend. This morning our neighbor stopped in for a short conversation about some neighborhood issues. 'Would you like a cup of coffee' I asked. 'Yes, if you have some made Carol responded.' With a furtive glance in John's direction, I simply said 'baby, make some fresh coffee for us".

When the coffee was ready John served it. He didn't even have to ask Carol how she liked it fixed.  He remembered from last time and the time before that. And the compliment about how sweet he is was directed toward me. And yes, as John's wife and as his mistress the compliment made me proud.
For a brief moment I felt like saying something to the effect that yes he is a sweet submissive man, but then thought that might be more information than Carol really needed to know. So I simply responded that John takes pride in remembering what visitors like. What I also didn't tell Carol was that I take pride in having a sweet-well trained submissive man for a husband.

If any one is interested we could talk more about these topics, but for now I just encourage you to take another look at these two sections of Surrender, Submit, and Serve.


Love, Kathy

Some Quick Thoughts On A Monday Morning

This is not really a posting. It is not really the start of a new series. More than anything it is just some thoughts related to the comment from Richard related to femdom weddings.

With the royal wedding this weekend in St. Georges chapel everyone is thinking about weddings. John and I watched a few minutes of the ceremony along with the carriage ride. The pageantry was spectacular. Megan was beautiful. By the smile she put on Harry's face you could feel the love and romance.  Harry with his well trimmed beard looked so handsome; so manly and yet so adorably cute that I could have kissed him right there at the altar.

The comment from Richard addressed the idea of femdom weddings. And yes, I think the world may be coming to that, but not in the same way as Richard talks about. It is one thing for the groom to take a public vow of obedience. It is another thing for the groom to wear something cute and skimpy so that he will be ogled by the  women. As mistress wives we want our men to be manly. We want to be the one who wears the beautiful dress. We are the ones who want to be ogled.

What I am trying to say is that modern femdom philosophy is not about men becoming women, and women becoming manly. Femdom is about men acknowledging the natural authority of women in their every day lives. It is about the natural desire of men to serve the lady in their life. A man who is submissive to women is no less a man. This, I believe is the social concept that will drive femdom relationships in the twenty first century.

And, we are starting to see the concept of women leading and making decisions in our everyday lives.
We even see it on television commercials. Sometimes the messages are so subtle that we miss them, but they are there. Here are two examples.

Last month or so I'm hers posted a short video of a man unloading packages from a van. The attractive lady watching him struggle made no effort to help. In the end she even had the poor suffering husband close the rear door by himself. The outward message was simply to show how easy the van's door could be closed. The inner message was about who is in charge. The lady was clearly the boss of this man. He didn't look like a week man. He looked to be what most people would call 'manly', and she wasan't some type of a witch with a spanking rod. Yet, she was the boss. She was the mistress.

This weekend I happened to watch a short commercial from a leading insurance company. In this commercial the message about who was in charge was so subtle that I almost missed it. It is evening and both parents are in bed reading. A teenage boy comes into the bedroom. The teenager, who had been out with the family car, reports that there was a minor fender bender in a narrow drive up. But don't worry he tells the parents because their insurance policy has accident forgiveness. He proudly tells the parents that their insurance rates wont go up. Without a second though the mom calmly tells the teenager that there will be no car for four weeks. The decision on punishment is up to her. The father is not consulted. He clearly has nothing to say in the matter. The wife who is obviously head of house makes the decision completely on her own.

Many of the blogs take the idea of role reversal to an extreme. In the fifties men were in charge. In the current century more women will be in charge. While this may lead to some changes in the ways in which men and women dress, I don't see men starting to wear skirts and makeup. Well, maybe a skirt now and then, but certainly not makeup. Women will always want the look that turns a man's head. We will always want to be the one who is pursued, I think. And, for the outside world we do not want friends and neighbors to know that our guy wears pretty panties under his jeans. No, not yet, I think.


Love, Kathy

Should Men Be Allowed To Vote.

This last posting was kind of started as a silly little thing to have fun with. Never did I expect it to engender so much of a response. Most of the responses were simple yeses or no's, but some were well written and well thought out. While I am not in favor of disenfranchising men there were arguments that caused me to think about the issue in a  realistic manner.

As mentioned in the comment section I want the same opportunities for both my son and my daughter. In a general way this includes the opportunity to contribute to society as well as earning a living. And, I love them both. I love them both equally. But, over the years my observation has been that Becky matured at a younger age than my son. Its of no importance now, but she learned to use the toilet at an earlier age than my son. From the start she was more interested in school and learning her letters. While our son was very smart he just didn't care for school. The teacher once told me he didn't yet have the maturity. Even in college he had difficulty with adjusting to the lack of supervision that comes with being away from home for the first time. There was never this type of an issue with Becky.

After college our son was able to find a job, but he had a playboy attitude towards life. As far as I know he is not submissive, but what settled him down was meeting the right girl. I am proud to say that this young lady is now our daughter in law. And together they are building a family. She is in no way what anyone would call a mistress wife, but her influence on him has been positive. He watches his weight as well as his credit score. He doesn't miss work because of a hang over or for sleeping through an alarm. She has taught him to wear the right clothes for the right occasion. There have been times when I have wondered whether she actually picks out some of what he wears. What I would say is that he is not submissive, but he is sensitive to her priorities. Does that sentence make sense to all of you?

In looking at my son an argument could have been made that his enfranchisement should have come at a later age than it did with Becky. Is this true in general? I will add to the fire by saying that in my opinion most males do not fully mature until their thirties. Over the years I have had several emails from young men who tell me that they want to have a mistress wife, or want to live as a slave to a strong woman. If they are under thirty I tell them that they probably need more maturity before making that type of a decision.

Until men reach their thirties most of them simply don't know themselves well enough to make life long commitments.  In the studio most of the clients were in their forties or older. It was at a certain age that they recognized their personal need for submission. So many of the comments were the same. 'Yes, I love my wife', they would say, but they also needed a mistress in their lives. And, some of what they needed could be described as kink. Yet, much of their needs simply focused on having a lady to obey and serve. For a few of these men I was privileged to be that lady. You have no idea how many of these men wanted to come clean my house or do my ironing.

Let me know it this post is hitting a chord with any of you, or is it missing the mark.


Love, Kathy

Should Men Be Allowed to Vote

For all of you who are wondering this is not really a post.

By way of a comment Mistress Linda proposed the idea that men should not be allowed to vote.

Her comment is toward the bottom of the last posting, Back to Basics, Conclusion.

It might be fun I thought to take a survey. How many of you agree with Mistress Linda?


Love, Kathy

Back To Basics-Conclusion

There were a couple of emails that criticized me for not concluding the last series in a more formal manner.  Let me say that reading the comments was a learning experience. It was especially interesting to have Key as a commenter and contributor. It any of you haven't read his book, I recommend it. Everyone in a female led relationship, male or female, can get something out of it.
For John and I it was the pledge.  Words have meaning. Saying them out loud to a spouse has a way of crystalizing that meaning in a way that is more real and personal.

In the book Key talks about the weekly meeting. Yes, this is something John and I have been doing for quite some time. And yes, in my opinion men should be kept on their knees for this meeting.
Keeping a man on his knees has a way of reminding him of his place. It also helps him to focus on the discussion at hand. If the meeting is long enough for his knees to start hurting allow him to sit back for a few minuets or so. Either way end  the meeting with him on his knees, and give him the opportunity to kiss your feet as a reward for being a good husband. Every man I ever talked with appreciates the opportunity of kissing the feet of his mistress. Why, I don't know, but they do.

In my opinion a mistress wife never really dominates a man. As mentioned earlier I dislike the term dominate. It seems to imply that you are forcing a man to do things against his will. A mistress wife provides the submissive husband the freedom to be the man he wants to be. Along the way there are rules and protocol that enable a man to do things Her way. I love the way Key capitalizes certain expressions. It makes the point that the husband tends to live in Her world rather than She in his world. The truly submissive man wants to accept Her guidance, Her judgment, and Her way of doing things.

In an earlier post it was mentioned that John opened up a bit to his regular golf partner about our life style. 'Do you always agree with her', he asked. John's response was not always, but most of the time.
'Do you offer an opinion', was the next question. 'Yes, if she ask for one' was John's reply, 'but she does not always ask'. There are times when I want John's opinion. More often than not I will sound out Becky or one of my girlfriends. John's friend asked if he ever became annoyed with me, and if so how did he handle it. John told me that he gave his friend the same advice that he once gave to David.
There may be times that you are frustrated or angry, but the best thing to do is to bite your tongue and think 'yes mistress' ever if you don't say it aloud.

In the book Key seems to think that female judgment is superior. If it is or not I am not really sure.
What is important is for the husband to believe that his wife's judgment is superior to his. This is at least true for matters of the home and the family. And, in that regard I truly believe that my thinking is more on queue than Johns.

It has been several weeks since I read Key's book, but a question that comes up time after time is what do you get out of being John's mistress. Yes, a clean house is nice, and help with the laundry makes things easier, but a woman doesn't marry  a man because she wants a house maid. On that first day without John I cried. That big house that once filled with children, dogs, and a loving man was now empty. There was no longer a 'we', there was only a he and a she. And, in the book Key seems to capture the importance of there being a we.

The question than comes up about what I wanted in a femdom relationship. The answer is simple. I wanted the love of my husband. For me and for many of us the most important thing in life that determines happiness is love. Money is important, and so is health. Yet, without John at my side the other things in life mean little. As strange as it seems I was on a guilt trip. Why didn't John have the confidence to talk with me about his submissive needs. Why didn't  I notice that he needed more control. And then much later in life John opened up about the way Becky tended to lead him when they were together. Of course, it was long after the fact, but this story tended to create some additional feelings of guilt. Could it be that this young lady, our daughter, was actually more of a mistress to him than I had been.

From working with Tara I quickly learned that John needed a mistress. And, I also understood that if I wanted John back in my life I would need to be that mistress. I was not going to be one of those wives who drove their husband to the dominatrix for an afternoon romp. In the beginning I was more of a mistress than a mistress-wife. Although I loved john, and wanted him back as a fixture in my life, there was a matter of trust. He had broken the bonds of our marriage. Men, I told Becky need to be watched. While John has worked hard to rebuild my trust there are issues that will never be quite the same. As I tell Becky know what David is doing at all times and know who he is doing it with. If he is playing golf learn the names of his golfing friends, their wives, and phone numbers. In earlier years there were evenings with friends as well as business dinners. The alarm codes for our home were set in such a way that John could not leave without me knowing about it. And, of course, without permission he was not allowed to leave the house.

While restricting the alarm codes to the house is above and beyond, what I have learned is that John appreciates the controls on his personal freedom. It may just be a submissive thing, but men want to know that you are watching them. They want to know that mistress is looking at the history tab on their computer, the millage on their car as well as restricting the amount of spendable cash in their possession. When you are together the best place for a husband's wallet is in your purse. John once commented that a young teenage boy on our block had more personal freedom and spendable cash than he had. Yes, I told him, and it will stay that way. The thing is that we both like it that way. He wants and needs that control. He is a typical man and I love him for it.


Love, Kathy

Back To Basics........

In my opinion it has been a very good week for the blog.

There have been far too many comments for me to talk about. And, for the most part there is not much for me to add. Most of you, like me, enjoyed reading Key's book.

What I found most inspiring in the book was the pledge. Words do have meaning. The pledge is beautifully written and the words are inspiring. John has been tasked with the responsibility of memorizing the pledge. How often should it be said. Key suggests it should be said once per week as part of the meeting. For me once per week is not often enough. It may not last more than fifteen or twenty minutes, but john and I have our little talk once per day. And yes, we have incorporated the words of the pledge into our special time together. For me the words are like poetry. When he adds I love you mistress, and want to be your slave the words take on even more meaning. Yes, you are my slave, I tell him, and will be so for the rest of your life. In femdom there is a special meaning to the slave word that simply can't be defined by the dictionary, but it is real. As my salve John is more than my submissive as he is both owned and he is loved.

In a busy life where everyone has careers sometimes it is difficult to find thirty or forty minutes to have a meeting-to have a special time to talk. Yet, I do believe a couple should strive for that special time away from the children- away from the television, and away from all the interferences of modern life. What I have found it that keeping John on his knees for these talks tends to focus him on the discussion at hand rather than the problems of the day. And, in general having a man on his knees helps create a favorable environment. From the comments it seems so obvious that men relish a relationship where a wife who has the confidence necessary to have them to kneel.

While I can not explain what the feeling is for a man to kneel before his wife the comments tell me it is a deeply emotional experience. One gentlemen stated that he would rather be a submissive man yielding to a loving wife than being the riches man in the world. The man who has found a mistress wife who loves him is far richer than the man who strives for money. The man who strives to please a mistress is far more satisfied with his life than the man who strives for power and wealth. This is the power of femdom relationships.

Yet, real life is not a fairy tale. You can't expect a man to labor year after year cleaning toilets, doing house work and such if his mistress show few signs of appreciating his efforts. What I tell women who write to me is take the time to inspect your man's work. If it is done well tell him so. It is not necessary to thank him, and it is often counterproductive. And, it helps to remind a man of his status when giving a compliment. Expressions such as good job my little slave boy mean more to a man than just good job.

In our situation John's house keeping was simply not up to standard. On my vanity table I keep a number of small bottles of perfume. John understands that dusting each of these small bottles is a part of his cleaning job. Yet, the work is faster and easier if he simply moves them to the side. Instead of correcting him  my negligent attitude allowed the problem to become worse. Pretty soon I realized that he was cleaning the house in a fraction of the time. On our retune from the ski trip I set him down for a talk and a lecture. Instead of giving him corner time I made the decision to take away two of his golf days. Some men in femdom marriages would have been spanked or given lines to write.
In some ways he may have come off easy, but John is a mature man who understands what needs to be done. John also understands that if the problem continues he is not too old to be given the humiliating child like punishment of doing time in the corner.

If I have a criticism of the book it is that it fails to deal with the issue of punishment. This is a difficult issue for most women. It takes a great deal of self confidence to give a man real punishment.
And, I suspect  it is deeply humiliating for any man to be punished by his wife. Yet, I also believe that failure in this area is a reason for the breakdown of some marriages. Men need to understand that the wife is in charge. They need to understand that breaking her rules will result in punishment.
In a no nonsense way a husband needs to learn that not doing things Her way will created problems for himself. As Key says so many times in the book 'She is the Boss'.

Love you all for reading. Have a good Easter. And remember that Easter presents opportunities for  doing something special for your wife and for your family. She is not only your wife and mistress She is your spiritual leader. She should be the light of your world. A man once told me that he viewed his wife as the Lord's earthly representative to him. He felt that an offense against his wife's rules was also an offense against the Lord as she was his Lord's earthly representative.  Think about this on Easter Sunday and be thankful for the wonderful things you have been given.


Love, Kathy

BackTo Basics.......

If I was underwhelmed by the lack of Comments on Monday morning, I am now overwhelmed.

There are so many well thought out comments that it is really impossible to single one or two  for further discussion. In truth the comments are better than the actual blog, and illustrate the most personal experiences and emotions. And, it is ok for men to show emotion. Emotions make our life richer. Sharing heart felt emotions with a spouse creates a 'we' relationship.

Reading through the comments there is one commonality. Male submission in a female led marriage brings couples closer together. It generates a higher level of intimacy, as well as more passion in the marriage. And, I am not talking  about kink. I am talking about genuine intimacy between a woman and her man. And, when I say man I mean man. The submissive man, the man who finds the courage to bend his knee to his wife is no less a man. He is in my opinion the diamond in the rough that simply needs the firm hand of a loving wife to make him all he can be.

One of the emails I received was from a young gentlemen who took the pledge. He told me that their marriage had been struggling. It was missing something, but they didn't know what. Much of the intimacy this couple shared in the first years of their relationship seemed to be missing. A such, when they decided on the pledge there was no giggling or laughter. In a way they viewed it as a prescription for  the health of their relationship. This young gentlemen found the courage to ask his wife's permission to kneel as he was reciting the pledge. She agreed. He tells me that kneeling before his wife, taking the pledge was one of the most liberating experiences of his life.

As a woman it is difficult for me to understand how a man feels when he surrenders him self to a wife. For that I need John's help as well as all of the comments you have given me. But, it is my understanding that this young man's feeling of liberation is rather common. Liberation from what I would ask. The answer in a very general way is liberation from the restraints of being a man. Liberation to show feelings, to show vulnerability. to show who you really are under the mask of masculinity that society imposes.

As women we simply do not understand the male need for submission. It doesn't make sense, and we were not raised to be leaders. In fact we were raised to be follows. But, we were also raised with the idea that we should please our men. But, when it comes to leading our men there is kind of a glass wall. Yes, we can give then sex, and we can sometimes do the special things they like because these are the things that are expected of us. Yet, when it comes to proving the discipline they need we can not break though that glass wall.

Love you all for all for reading. Love you even more for sharing. You are my little sweethearts, and this blog is to help make your life better.


Kathy

Back To Basics......

So many people read this blog, yet so few of you participate.

The primary reason for my long absence was the lack of participation. John is the one who gave me encouragement to come back to the blog. We talk about the comments. It is the reactions from you, the reader, that provides me the energy to continue with the blog.

Although many of you are still reading Key's book my reaction to the response this morning has been underwhelming. If Key's book was about spanking instead of a serious discussion on female led relationships there would have been a hundred comments. I am not saying spanking is wrong. I am saying that there is a place for serious discussions related to femdom and female led relationships that doesn't focus on BDSM aspects of it.

There are so many little things to talk about in the book. At the 11% mark Key talks about a strong feeling of connectedness in Female Led Relationships. Would you agree with this. At the 10 percent mark he talks about 'Her Way.' He says the husband abdicates controlling the narrative on how things are done and agrees to please his female leader. Not only accomplishing things, but accomplishing them in the fashion she desires. Would most of you agree with these statements. How does it work in your home?

And, another point that Key makes deserves real discussion.  Tell me- do you think women are natural leaders? Is female judgment superior to males? Is it necessary for a wife's judgment to be superior to her husband for her to lead the relationship.

I am sorry to make this comment, but it is true. If you want an example of what happens in a female led relationship when a husband is not properly disciplined look at the I'm Hers blog. In my opinion female discipline is a necessity. Discipline is not the same as punishment, but a system of rules and protocols that provides men with a track  to run on. And given that track men will run hard to please their female ruler.

Love, Kathy

Back To Basics....

Over the years of doing Femdom 101 we have tried a number of things to broaden its appeal and maintain interest. The blog has a fairly large number of readers, but few of you find the courage to comment. There is a feeling that submissive men find a degree of satisfaction by staying in shadows where they may be seen but not heard.  The idea of the book discussion is to help more of you find the courage to take part in the discussions.

I am so happy that Key Barrett who is the author of Surrender, Submit, and Serve Her has  introduced himself to us. I have enjoyed his comments just as I enjoyed his book. As the title of this series indicates John and I are going thought kind of a renewal of our relationship. Key's book is kind of a basic manual for the couple who is new to the lifestyle. While we are not new in the lifestyle, the book fits in well with our return to basics.

There is nothing in this world that is so important to me as the relationship with my husband. He is not only the rock of my life, he is the love of my life. Someone recently made the comment that the blog should be titled, Femdom 101, a love story. And yes, I agree.

It was at mass this morning that I realized why Key's book had an appeal to me. It is because  the special stories of our lives need to be heard again and again. How many times have we heard the story of our Lord's journey into Jerusalem. How many times have we heard the same liturgy over and over again. Why do we keep going back for the same story. Because it is important. It is a chance for us to renew our faith, and think about the things that really mater in our lives. The book gave us the chance to think about how we live, and what is important to us. Reading the book out loud as a couple helped provide focus.

While I don't mean to equate the book with the gospels, the book helped John and I focus on what is important in our lives. It is our relationship. It is our respect for one another, and especially John's respect for me as his mistress. And, consequently his respect for my authority over his life. While we no longer follow many of the practices of former years, my authority over John's life is about as complete as it can be. He no longer has to ask permission to leave the dinner table, or permission to use the restroom in a restaurant, or permission to speak when one of my mistress friends is present, he still finds comfort in many of these rules. And, as you know in our return to basics we are going back to the practice of using Command Position as a training tool.

But, before going further with this posting I would like to hear more from you about the book.
How many of you have read it. And, has it benefited you and your wife. Has it improved your relationship. Has it helped you to become a better submissive. Has it helped her to become a better mistress. And for those of you who are not in an active femdom relationship, did you enjoy the book and why.


Love, Kathy

Back To Basics...

It had been my hope to post this afternoon.

Unfortunately, the planned posting has become a causality of the beautiful spring weather. Released from his Friday duties I sent John off to the golf course. It was too pretty a day to be spent changing sheets and cleaning toilets. This is the type of day that God intended for humans to enjoy. A friend invited me for lunch in the quarter. After lunch we walked through the quarter close to where the Studio had once been. Just being there brought back so many memories. While it was a difficult time  my memories of the studio are mostly positive.

A little while back a friend asked me about the studio. 'What did you think of working there' she asked. 'All together I enjoyed it' was my reply. The conversation reminded me of an old blog posting that some of you may remember. The client was an elder gentlemen. Just like the younger men we had him strip, brought  him in, and had him kneel. As we talked I noticed that he was tearing up.
As it turned out his favorite fantasy since a teenager had been to kneel naked in front of a lady. On that day we were able to make that fantasy come through. We talked for a while about his submissive needs, about his wife and family, and then allowed him to kiss my feet. It was all a special treat for him.

This coming week I hope to start a conversation about Key Barrette's book. John and I read most of it together. As a mistress I appreciated some of Key's insights. Yes, as he says words have meaning, and saying them out loud helps to convey that meaning. As part of our every day conversation I now have John say the pledge. Of course, I also have him say it while he is on his knees. In my experience having a man on his knees helps conversation. We are now fortunate to have Key with us as a reader of the blog. We are also hope that he becomes a regular contributor.

Opening the blog this afternoon I was a little disappointed not to have a comment from Miss Diane.
In hopes that she is sill reading it is my hope that each of you thank her for commenting. Sometimes it takes a special courage for women to enter into all of this 'guy' talk. Believe me I know.

On Friday afternoon the cocktail hour starts at 4pm. Two of our neighbor are coming over.
Expect that John will be preparing and serving his best lemon drop martini within the hour.


Love, Kathy

Back To Baiscs..

This past winter John and I took a ski trip with another couple. Like us they were in the lifestyle.
They were a bit younger, better skiers, but they were like us. It is difficult to explain how refreshing it felt to be with another couple where by we did not need to sensor conversation, where there was no pressure to hide who we are. For that reason being with this couple was almost like being with Becky and her husband. The other couple was much newer in the lifestyle than John and I. And, like most new devotees to a social construct were avid practitioners. In the restaurants this lady ordered for her husband, allowed him no more than one glass of wine with dinner, and bound him to be silence whenever she and I were talking. Was that really the way I use to be with John, I wondered.

Over the last several years John and I have gotten away from most formal aspects of femdom living. Yes, he still cleans the house, vacuums, and responds like the perfect male submissive when called. On the other hand he is allowed to speak as he likes. It has been some time since I have ordered for him in a restaurant, and  he only wears his collar when in the mood. What surprised me was how quickly John slipped to his old ways when placed under the shadow of the other husband. As the week went on I began to realize that we were lousing some of the discipline that causes our style of life to be special. And yes, men like my John need the type of structure this other couple took for granted. Was I doing my best for John? Was I giving him the type of structure he needed.  More importantly by slacking off as a mistress was I giving my marriage all of the attention it deserved?

While packing our bags for the return trip I made the statement that we would check in all of the luggage. While not exacting arguing with me John perked up that he could carry a couple of the suitcases. While trying to be helpful the fact is that John was challenging my judgment. As we were along in the hotel room I instantly put him into Command Position with a snap of my fingers plus an angry look. It was at that moment I understood the lack of firmness in our relationship was starting to cause a problem. Back home I shared this story with Becky who has emerged as more of a disciplinarian. Yes mom, you need to go back to basics was her response.

As I have stated in previous post Becky has become more of the teacher. Three children plus an active career keeps her focused on what is important in her life. She understands her father's need for female authority and has come to believe that women are the best managers. David, her husband, does as told, when he is told, and how he is told. She recommended a book by Key Barrett entitled Submit, Serve, and Surrender.

 John and I read the book together. We read much of it out loud as the author recommends. It is not a total guide to the femdom experience, but a kind of tool kit where by a wife can pick out what is important to her. It is my hope that most of you read it so that we can talk about it on the blog.


Love, Kathy