For the most part I continue to look at life from the center of my little bubble. There are things that I get wrong and every so often there is something that I get right. Like everyone else I look at life's challenges from a certain prospective. For the most part I try not to be overly preachy, but living with a submissive husband tends to put the whip in my hand. It is not that I use a real whip, it is just that some men expect you to give them their marching orders. After a while it all seems so very normal that it tends to color all of your relationships and the way in which you do things.
It is time to talk about punishment. Too many marriages fail because the wife neglects her duties in this area. It is difficult to be more clear about this. A part of the duty of being a loving spouse in a femdom marriage is the obligation of punishment. Punishment should not be gratuitous. It should only be handed out when there is reason for doing so. Without punishment there is a general lack of accountability for the husband. If there were no report card given in school would students strive for the best grades. Probably not. The lack of accountability in a relationships breeds mediocrity.
If there are no consequences why should a man try his hardest to please his mistress. If average effort is enough to get him by that is all he will do. But, if he observes mistress reaching for the whip you can be sure that he will take heed. Once again I use the whip word in kind of a symbolic way. It is importance for the male to understand what it is you expect from him. Of course we all want love and respect. Yet, femdom goes beyond that. From John I want obedience and a certain degree of service.
If I am going to take the lead in our marriage he is going to be the follower. He is the one who will be mopping floors and scrubbing toilets. He is the one who will be taking the orders. And, orders are orders not suggestions.
As mentioned on the Think Tank blog punishment is a difficult area for most women. The idea of punishing a grown man whom you love seems to go against the laws of nature. Yet, whether we realize it or not, we have all punished men at some time in our lives. The most common method is the silent treatment. How many of you have received this from of punishment from the lady in your life.
She decides how long it will last, and it will usually last until you make amends. As a young teenager I understood the power of the silent treatment and used it on my dates. If a guy caused me to be upset for any reason it was a way of handling the situation. Weather I realized it or not the silent treatment was a way for me to exercise some control over the boy. Along with the silent treatment there was no good night hug and kiss.
As we grow into adult hood we continue to use the silent treatment along with denying the good night hugs and kisses to our guys. Does it still work. Yes, it does to a point. Yet, as a mistress there is the need for more direct control over the situation. There is a need for a firm way of letting your guy know you are in charge of the situation and that his behavior is not acceptable. For a start you can tell him. On small matters the look on your face may be sufficient to send the signal. This is especially good in public situations where a verbal remark is out of place or embarrassing.
Once John and I were at a neighborhood party where his attentions to an attractive young lady gave me some concern. Pulling him to the side, 'you are going home' I told him. 'Why', he asked.
You know why I told him, but we will talk about it at home. And, give me the keys to the car. 'How will I get home' he asked. 'Walking', I responded. And, don't you dare call a cab, I told him.
'Do you understand me', I asked in a low tone of voice. He responded with a 'yes'. 'Yes what', I responded. 'Yes mistress' he answered with a slight bow of his head.
After John left I remained at the party for another hour or so until it ended. The party was no longer fun, but I was not going to relinquish the high ground gained when sending John home. Although a neighborhood party it still took John most of an hour to walk the distance back to the house. It was my hope that the long walk with serve as a king of punishment. What I came to understand later was that the real punishment was the look on my face combined with the realization that he had disappointed me.
Why did this punishment work. It worked for two reasons. In that moment I had the confidence to act on his behavior. I was assertive. Pulling him aside and looking directly into his eye told him that I meant business. Very few men have the ability to resist authority from an assertive, confident woman. And, at that moment I had both of these assets working for me.
For some of you in the lifestyle this little punishment may have seemed mild. Yet, what I have come to realize was that John's acceptance of this punishment was an a act of surrender. With those two words, yes mistress, he verbally yielded the traditional male role model. To put it another way his acceptance of punishment was a clear act of surrender to my will.
Love you all for reading and for sharing. Is this a topic in which we want to spend more time.
What I would like to know more about is how you feel when your wife or girlfriend punishes you.
How did you feel the first time she did so. As a grown man would you willingly accept punishment by a woman in your life?
23 comments:
When my wife feels the need to punish me, I always feel bad for having disappointed her in some way. It could be not doing a proper job with housework, not ironing an item of her clothing properly or just exhibiting a poor attitude. I know I deserve whatever she wishes to do to me. She does not like spanking or whipping as she found out year ago that it aroused me. She saw the large wet spot on the front of my panties and was furious. When She feels the need to punish me it can be minor as me standing in the corner naked with a pair of her worn panties against my nose. My hands are handcuffed behind me and time starts all over again if I let them drop. She will make me stand there about an hour for the next 7 days.
For more serious punishment she gives me extra housework to do. For example, after doing the large tiles floors in our house by hand, she will find a spot and say do it all over again. After I do it a second time, she will find another spot and make me do it a third time. Takes about 4-5 hours. Of course there is no spot, but I may never argue with her.
The worst offense is talking back or raising my voice to my wife. For this she will tie me in her walk in closet, hands high over my head for 3-4 hours for 2-3 days. She puts a diaper on me, and that is all I am wearing. She says I am not allowed to wet it unless I feel I want to disobey her. I may not speak during this time. Before tying me up she gives me a large glass of water . Then I lay on the bed and she diapers me. Very humiliating . She has the thin rope pass thru an eyebolt in the ceiling and attaches it to a cleat on the wall. This way she raises and lowers me as she pleases for added discomfort. Every time she checks me she asks if I am sorry for my attitude or raising my voice to her. I nod yes.
I know she has to punish me and I thank her for doing so afterwards. I thank her for keeping me submissive and for making me a better slave. I do not like the punishments, but that is the idea. Luckily she seldom has to do them.
I wanted a woman to take charge, learned along time ago that a strong marriage is where the wife is in charge. As for punishment I accept, it can be anything from grounded, while such, cleaning the house, spend extra time making the yard look nice.I have been spanked at my age, stayed out late with my friends, did not call, the next morning I learned about obeying her. I could not sit down for a good hour, and faced the wall, displaying a very red bottom. I have no problem, I have less stress, saved money, I'll take her punishment, even the spankings, it works in her house.
Ms Kathy,
I think punishment doesn't need to be cruel. The idea is to show possessiveness and Female Supremacy, that's why it's such a hot topic.
Ms. Kathy,
Do You feel punishing your boy brings Y/you both closer together? How do You think punishing affects the Woman, the male, and the couple as a whole AFTER the punishment is over? Do you do any aftercare?
Also, can I ask You why You are so against corporal punishment? You talk a lot about the whip but you are also very adamant that it's only "figurative", but why do you always keep it figurative? Do You think the whip or at least a paddle / hairbrush could be therapeutic from time to time?
Alex
Dear Kathy – I think that punishment is an important topic to cover on your blog. I never thought I would say that (as an elementary school teacher I never “punish” my students), but I have come to learn over the past few years of our Wife Led Marriage that punishment of the husband is essential to its success. Being in a WLM has made me look more closely at how the male acts. And I have learned that it is easy for guys to go off course – to misbehave. Punishment helps them refocus on what’s important – us, their wives, and their behavior towards us. I have found that corner time for my husband is very effective. However, it has to be severe enough so that he finds it uncomfortable –a true punishment. So when my husband misbehaves or displeases me, he knows that he will have to spend a minimum of an hour in the corner, and usually longer. When in the corner he is to be naked, hands at his side or behind his back, and absolutely no talking. He is to use his corner time to think about his behavior and how he intends to improve. When I allow him out of his corner we have a brief discussion about this behavior with me seated and him on his knees in front of me. After our discussion all is forgiven.
I must admit being very uncomfortable with punishing my husband in this way at first. But I have become much more at ease with it over time. In fact I find punishing him in this way is empowering. I feel strong knowing that I can send him to his corner at any time for as long as I want, and he will obey me. How much more empowering is that then giving him the silent treatment? Moreover, we both feel a sense of satisfaction when the punishment is over. That never happened when I did the silent treatment.
To be honest, I have taken this sense of power a bit beyond simple punishments for poor behavior or performance. A few weeks ago I told my husband that after he did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen after dinner he was to go to his corner. He asked me why? Did he do something wrong? I told me no he didn’t do anything wrong, as his wife-Mistress I wanted him in his corner. He obeyed. When he was in his corner for about a half hour, I went to my bedroom where he was standing and laid in bed reading while he continued his corner time. It was such a powerful feeling to enjoy my book while lying on the bed while my hubby stood in his corner for me. When I finally dismissed him I had him give me a long back on foot massage. This led to him pleasuring me in another way. When I was through with him I drifted into a glorious sleep; he was not permitted to be satisfied in the way that men usually are. Instead, I dismissed him from my bedroom to do his usual evening duties and chores. He was satisfied and happy in his own way, knowing that he had obeyed and pleased me. Our love has never been stronger.
I never would have thought of punishing my husband as being such a powerful and positive force. I would love to hear more of your thoughts and the thoughts of others (especially other wives) about punishment – are there specific behaviors of husbands that merit a punishment? I love that you are back to blogging. My husband and I missed you over the summer.
Sincerely,
Diane
So we eventually, inevitably (?), return to the question of punishment.
Something that Ms. kathy enjoyed using whilst learning about Femdom but which she has, according to this blog, refrained from physically doing in her own FLR. But we are told that Becky uses it and enjoys doing so.
Life is so short. Embrace the dark side of physical punishment before it is too late Ms. kathy.
I was looking for a woman who would take charge. Dated an older woman, she did punish me like a child on a couple of occasions. The first time she said I needed a spanking i was shocked. It was a couple of days later stepping out of the shower she grabbed my arm and I was soon across her lap and my wet bottom was being spanked for the first time as an adult. My wife will use the same punishment, only when she states I'm getting a spanking I do as told, hoping it will not hurt as much, it always does. So this male wanted and needed such a woman and have no regrets. Jack
Emphatically! That double whammy of knowing that I have disappointed Linda, and that she has realized her disappointment enough to bother to have me understand that she is upset with me, reduces me to a more obedient husband -- a disciplined husband.
"As a grown man would you willingly accept punishment by a woman in your life?" Surely any grown man in a relationship does accept punishment, usually in the form of the silent treatment, as you say. I suspect one reason why so many men find the idea of a female led relationship attractive is the hope that the punishment will take a different form. In some ways a spanking is the opposite of the silent treatment. The silent treatment involves a woman keeping her husband or boyfriend at a distance; spanking involves having him in contact (in the case of otk quite intimate contact). The silent treatment can continue for hours or days; a spanking is quickly over and hopefully leads to reconciliation.
-Stewart.
Kathy, I would like it if you took time to address the subject of punishment and did so my speaking to your women readers. After all, it is the wives and girlfriends of the world who will determine whether or not punishment becomes part of the relationship. Us men can talk about it and dream about it all we want but unless there our female counterpart understands it’s necessity overcome the thought of punishing as being taboo, they will be less likely to experiment with the idea of punishment has a form of control. You know where I am going with this :-)
Hello Kathy. I am so glad to see you back.
I think punishment is a very real part of a FLR and completely nessary if it is to work. I know many women find it difficult because it can seem ridiculous but sometimes we have to go back to the foundation of humane relationships to understand that there is always a dance of seduction that becomes a struggle to determine who is in control . Marriage and relationships are all about power . The beautiful part of a working and functional FLR is there is no struggle for power if the woman is willing to assert her authority. As you said " Very few men have the ability to resist authority from an assertive,confident woman" . I would add that very few men can remain in submission without the presence of this authority . This is why punishment is so important and nessary to maintain the balance of a FLR.
As a grown man How do I feel when I am punished by my wife? Embarrassed in the initial moments,I really struggle with the stark and naked admission of submission to her authority. Once I overcome the initial fear , fight , flea and anger reaction I melt into a calm resolve and focus on fulfilling my commitment of complete and total submission to her authority . I know this is a part of our relationship that defines our respective roles and is nessary if we are to continue as a couple. Failure to submit in these moments would not only destroy our FLR but the very core of our relationship. Punishment is a very serious matter and should never be confused with play.
The first time was difficult for both of us but afterwards I felt very secure and loved. It is a feeling I still treasure! Her willingness to apply punishment when nessary has made us far closer as a couple .
Take care
John Dalton
Thank you for a great post.
My wife and I live in a WLM. I get punished for things that I was supposed to take care of or for my back talking. The back talk is a knee jerk response from me about something that's happening. I know better but sometimes my mouth is quicker than my brain!
I fully accept my punishments. My wife decides how severe. I can tell you this, nothing makes me feel more close to my wife than when she's done punishing me. The flood of love and admiration for her goes off the charts.
When she's finished with the punishment (caning, strapping, nipple pain) I'm led into our walk-in closet for some reflection time. She secures me to my stool with limited movement. She takes away the senses so I can just reflect without distractions. I wear a blindfold, ball gag, and a very good pair of hearing muffs. She wants no talking, no looking around and not being able to hear anything.
So you sit there and just think about what you did, how can I prevent this from happening again and being so thankful that my wife loves me enough to do this to me to make me a better submissive husband!!
When she releases me we talk about what happened, why it happened and what can I do to prevent it from happening again. It's hard to sit on a bench at the foot of the bed with her in just my chastity belt wearing wrist and ankle restraints and talking while she's fully clothed. That is very powerful. I love it so very much. I have begged her to let me get on my knees and worship her for being her at that moment.
We try to do a monthly maint. session to keep me in tune. Sadly, life gets in the way and those scheduled sessions get pushed back.
Your post about punishment is really a good one. From someone like me that gets punished I can tell you how important they are.
Thank you!
Mistress Kathy,
First I would like to say wow what an amazing couple of post. Getting the opportunity to see inside of your thought process. It is difficult to describe how I feel when my wife disciplines me. I think the best way is to use one word SAFE! Of course there are a lot of emotions including scared embarrassed, disappointed but safe is the best because I know that she will protect me from myself. I actually need my wife to be more proactive in this area because right now it is usually after she is fed up with me. So yes I am not only willing to submit to her authority the truth is I don’t know if I would have a choice.
The first time is a good example. We were crossing a major road and I wanted us to jog across to road. She had on low heels and couldn’t but I didn’t listen and took off. On the other side of the road she took her shoes off and said we were switching (yes we wear the same size). I laughed and said I was sorry but I could tell by here look she was serious and I didn’t have a choice. So we switched and I learned why I was wrong. The point is saying no wasn’t an option to me. I know that doesn’t make sense to most people but it is my reality.
Ur little bobo
Dear Mistress Kathy,
You asked: "What I would like to know more about is how you feel when your wife or girlfriend punishes you."
Very much like John must have felt. First that he had disappointed you and that alone causes some trepedation and sadness. Next, given the chance to walk home and extracate himself from the cause of the problem was maybe not such a punishment as much as a release from the situation (a most excellent idea on your part). The hour walk, even though perhaps not what he would want was probably healthy for him. He had time to think about his behavior and not be too distracted from feeling bad about causing you concern, embarassment or whatever else caused the problem.
Next you asked: "How did you feel the first time she did so. As a grown man would you willingly accept punishment by a woman in your life?"
Like you, my marriage did not start as Femdom. But, the first real "punishment" that I felt since her control was truly exerted was to sleep on the floor, at the foot of the bed. I had acted like a dog and was treated like one. If I was not willing to accept this particular punishment, I could surely find a warmer and more comfortable place to sleep. The feeling was one of physical discomfort, but that it had hurt her and our relationship put me in a most contrite mind-set. "Willingly"? Yes, I was not forced but I didn't like it at all.
Glad you are back. We've missed you.
Sincerely,
larry
Mistress Kathy
The lovely Mistress/Wife does not yet use corporal punishment for my misdeeds. Should I fail in some way to treat her as she deserves, it is likely extra chores will be assigned, i.e. clean up after dinner. She does, on occasion, use a spatula to bring a certain redness to my behind as a kind of reminder of her ability to punish if she had such a desire.
Lately, the Mistress/Wife requires the wearing of panties and the removal of certain body hair. She has begun to use the name joni instead of jj.
Thank you, Mistress Kathy
joni
Ms Kathy,
Thanks so much for this post! So in the spirit of Femdom!
Alex
Submissive men thrive on feedback, both positive and negative. It gives us the assurance that our dominant is paying attention to us and cares about us. Punishment is an affirmation of our relationship and that it is working ina manner that we wish and need. It’s also an affirmation and acceptance of who we are and what we need. A woman who has the balls to punish her husband is viewed as hott from head to toe and only strengthens her bond to her submissive. Conversely, There’s nothing worse for a married submissive than to have a wife who has no interest in his submission and no desire to be his mistress or a disciplinarian when she needs to be. Given the importance of this issue, I’m very surprised there are no other comments on this topic.
PS - love your blog- always miss it when you take time off. ��
Ms Kathy,
You're gorgeous
Ms Kathy
Dont you think the fact that Females can just publis the other sex is just Nature at it's best?
Hello Ms. Kathy
First time commenting.
Yes, I would accept punishment from a woman. Not just randomly from any woman I don't think, but from that very special woman who understands and accepts and values my submission to her. Sadly, I am not in such a relationship presently but truly hope it will come about someday.
vic
'As a grown man would you willingly accept punishment by a woman in your life?'
Thank you for asking.
I am new to these thoughts and ideals, but have thought about them non stop since yesterday when I found FLR.
I would do anything (I suppose) to submit to a Loving FLR.
Thus, I can't imagine ever saying 'No' to her punishment, or anything else.
For me, I need to submit completely.
Punishment is sort of neither here nor there.
Anyway.
Thank you for so much your writing, Kathy.
I'm working my way through the archives.
Submission is what i always wanted and I never knew 'till yesterday.
Wow!
Dear Ms. Kathy,
i am in a FLR marriage, though my wife does not think of it as so. Shecontrols the finances and schedules my activities. I do the laundry and the housework of dusting, vacuuming, mopping, and so forth, I clean the toilets regularly. Her delicates are hand-washed by me. She controls my sexual activity and She is always on top. I have always needed a firm hand either from my Mother, an Aunt or a Girl friend and have accepted my life as a submissive male to Women. Thank You, Ms. Kathy.
bobby
My wife found out early that slapping me is an immediate cure for my attitude adjustments. she slaps me hard and often and just dares me to do something about it.
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