This is not really suppose to be a series, but the comment from Key made me think back on his book.
For one thing, as a moderator, I could have done a better job. The truth is that it had been some time since my reading, and my memory of the book had been somewhat rusty. As John and I have adopted the pledge as a part of our daily talk it was that part of the book which was front and center on my agenda. But, there are other parts of the book that deserve special attention.
Once again my belief is that Key's book has something to offer for most couples regardless of the level or intensity of their relationship. Even for more so called vanilla couples the examples of silent support are something that every man should be aware of. We hear so many times that the wife is not interested in femdom. The simple truth is that she may not be interested in any type of relationship with a femdom sounding name, but she may be interested in leading or taking more charge of her man, or even becoming head of house. Words do have meaning, and while a man can't trick his wife into a femdom relationship there might be times when changing the words can help. I would encourage each of you to read through the addendum called silent support. As the book says there are ways to become a better spouse while helping your wife succeed and blossom. It is about enriching her life. And, the magical thing is that by enriching her life, a loving husband will enrich is own life.
But today I want to talk just a little about the fifteen guidelines that a husband can use as a quick reference. The first one is to surrender to a wife/girlfriend's natural authority. The question than becomes do women have some type of natural authority over men. My simple answer is yes. A little while back we talked about how as a young girl Becky was able to get her father to drive her and her friends wherever they wanted to go. Our son was told to take the bus. Well not quite, but it was different with him. The point is that even our daughter could have her way with John.
While she may not have realized it, her request for assistance were just about the same as an instruction to do something. John could tell our son no, but he could never tell Becky no. Is it any wonder that she is now a mistress to a devoted husband.
Looking back on our pre femdom years John was always ready to do as he was instructed. From a technical point of view, I might have asked would you like to do this or that this weekend, but his answer was always 'whatever you want'. In our present relationship he is simply told what the plans are for the weekend. This morning our neighbor stopped in for a short conversation about some neighborhood issues. 'Would you like a cup of coffee' I asked. 'Yes, if you have some made Carol responded.' With a furtive glance in John's direction, I simply said 'baby, make some fresh coffee for us".
When the coffee was ready John served it. He didn't even have to ask Carol how she liked it fixed. He remembered from last time and the time before that. And the compliment about how sweet he is was directed toward me. And yes, as John's wife and as his mistress the compliment made me proud.
For a brief moment I felt like saying something to the effect that yes he is a sweet submissive man, but then thought that might be more information than Carol really needed to know. So I simply responded that John takes pride in remembering what visitors like. What I also didn't tell Carol was that I take pride in having a sweet-well trained submissive man for a husband.
If any one is interested we could talk more about these topics, but for now I just encourage you to take another look at these two sections of Surrender, Submit, and Serve.
Love, Kathy
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23 comments:
HI Kathy - I have learned so much about being a femdom wife since my husband first offered your blog to me. What I have found is that my husband desires to be trained by me and to be held accountable for his actions. At first I resisted thinking he was a big boy now. But since reading about your life with John I realize that many men have a deep seated need to serve in the way that their wive's want them to serve. I continue to struggle with this, but it has gotten easier over time. Not only do I give my husband a weekly list of chores beside his everyday duties of cooking and keeping the family room and kitchen clean, I expect those chores to be done the way I want. And for the most part, he works really hard to please me. What I do struggle with now are consequences for when his actions or behaviors do not please me. I do put him in the corner (30-60+ minutes standing) , but often feel I am still too soft on him. He actually tells me that my punishments of him need to be significant enough so that he will think twice before acting again in the way that got into trouble in the first place. Hope this make sense.
Diane
For Diane, One of things I have learned about femdom is that it works on so many levels.
Your man may not be the 'slave' type, and you may not want a so called slave as a husband.
Yet, the idea of having a husband who is willing, trained, and expected to perform simple chores around the house is pleasing to many wives. And, in a sense we all punish our husbands from time to time. We may not give a man corner time, but will give him the silent treatment until he learns a lesson.
Love, Kathy
hello Miss Kathy
as a submissive man i hope i do not overstep my bounds in an observation that my wife and i often struggle with. that of gender equality and its mix into dominance / submission.
at our house my wife is in charge. she is the dominant. she is feminine and thats great.
i am aroused by but also embarressed by wearing panties. its shameful now why? if my wife wears them and us strong and powerful how is it making me weak and submissive? is it societal expectations?
a similar question then comes to mind as i read about your son and daughter. is the expectation that your son can take care of himself so can ride the bus compared to your daughter that society expects to be meak and demure needs to be driven by dad.
sexist? sounds like it
but thats our struggle. im sexist in so far as i am inferior to ladies but my kink and i would ask your example imply the opposite.
Miss Diane
were you hoping or expecting advice regarding punishment abd training to be more physical? from the male side of things i would suggest asking your husband what he wants. find something you would enjoy also. then go for it
everybody is going to be different as to what they want or are comfortable doing. some things take time to be comfortable with
Miss Kathy
i for one would be interested in hearing more about such topics. of particular interest is how candid you can be about what goes on at home.
as the submissive do i have the right or say over who can or shoukd be told about me?
if i have safe words and gestures and can therefore get out of something i may have previously agreed to am i really submissive? if i can say no i dont ever want to do that am i really submissive?
You are definitely right when you say: "in a sense we all punish our husbands from time to time". We boys are very well aware of it. I would think that those of us who live in a relationship have nearly all experienced a withdrawal of affection - "the silent treatment" as you call it - at some time or another. I suspect this is one reason why many of us are attracted to femdom - we want to avoid the silent treatment. We would much prefer our partner to use another form of punishment - make us kneel, make us stand in the corner, spank us - anything that does not involve a withdrawal of affection.
Stewart.
Kathy - I agree having my husband as my submissive, willing to serve me is extremely pleasing, and also very empowering, for me. I have a confidence in myself that I don't think I ever had before. As for punishments, I remember the silent treatments that could last for days on end. Instead, now I have found that having my husband stand silently in his corner for an hour or so, thinking about his behavior, followed by a talk in which he is kneeling before me showing remorse is a much quicker and better way to resolve problems in our marriage.
Thank you for allowing me to share my thoughts on your blog. I am still new to this, so I have much to learn from you and the others who respond to your blog.
Diane
Hi Kathy,
I guess the question I have about the post is, does the fact that your husband naturally served you and your daughter show that women have a natural authority that men follow, or that John is a natural submissive and, after he exhibited that tendency the women followed it by learning to direct him?
Dan
Kathy, thanks again for talking about my book! It's wonderful to hear how you comnect to it. Thank you for reiterating that you can't trick your wife into becoming a dominant woman. No good can come from what would be at its root a dishonest act.
But you can be a more supportive husband by simply tapping into your desire to lift her up through support and service. And that is something as you put, vanilla couples would benefit from.
Natural authority is such an integral part of the D/s relationship. It grounds everything in belief of Her, belief in Her. Its rewarding for both and really just makes everything run more smoothly. Besides, if a husband finds it hard to believe she was born to lead him, will he really support her decisions at crucial times? Its the difference between a real FLR and one that is play.
Thanks again for your support of my book and your support of the community at large!
Key
Miss Kathy, I hope you don't mind me responding to this one but I really think I should let loved sissy maid know that submissives aren't doormats.
You always have agency. You always have the right to say no, in any form of loving relationship. You may really enjoy being used, you might even enjoy humiliation and belittlement, but you are 100% allowed to have a line that shouldn't be crossed and you 100% have the right to refuse to do something.
If that right is not respected you are still a submissive. She, however, is not a domme. She is a bully.
loved sissy maid said "i am aroused by but also embarressed by wearing panties. its shameful now why? if my wife wears them and us strong and powerful how is it making me weak and submissive? is it societal expectations?"
That is an interesting question. I do not usually wear panties. One morning some time ago though, I overslept and had to get dressed in a great hurry. I grabbed a pair of plain blue briefs and quickly put them on. They seemed very tight, but it was not till I was at work that I realized that I had put a pair of my girlfriend's panties on. I found the tightness arousing, but I cannot say that they made me feel weak and submissive. If anything I felt stronger and proud to be wearing them.
Stewart.
Ms. Kathy,
So what is your conclusion? Should men be allowed to vote?
To Dianne,
Keep in mind that you may go too far at times. Don't apologize but make it clear that you have the power and you don't wish any real harm to your husband and make it so it is as safe as possible. Also, learn to relax and enjoy the benefits even if sounds selfish. He wants to serve and see you happy. He craves being under your control and the structure of your rules and the pleasure he gets from seeing you pleased. If you are displeased, sit down and talk to him about it. Most times
that is a greater punishment than other things. When you are pleased also immediately tell him, pat him on the head or give him a kiss to reinforce it then send him back to work.
One account I read as an example was a woman who put nipple clamps on her sub for 5 minutes. He was having a hard time (but no danger) so she sat with him and held him but didn't take them off until the time was up and carried it out for the full time. The point being that it was a lesson for her as well as him that when she set a punishment she would carry it out.
Another was in femdomthinktank where the wife had the man put on a bra under a sweater and go out to fill up the car with gas that he forgot to before. She talks about how they were outside of their comfort zone but he learned his lesson.
I recommended a woman put a gag on a man when he won't shut up or is ocmplaining as a lesson but again it is up to You as the Head of the House.
certainly like your website but you need to take a
look at the spelling on quite a few of your posts. A number of them are rife with spelling
issues and I find it very troublesome to inform the truth on the other hand
I will surely come again again.
For Anonymous, yes baby, I have never won a spelling. But, I can tell you that the first word of every sentence should start with a capital.
Love, Kathy
Hahahaha... " I have never won a spelling. But, I can tell you that the first word of every sentence should start with a capital." You nailed it, Mistress!
Alex
Miss Kathy, One thing I wanted to comment on is the idea of making your marriage relationship somewhat public. When your neighbor came over for coffee and you just glanced at John to make a pot for you two was classic,its said it all for her to see how you relate to your husband. I know there have been many other stories about how John has served when friends have come to your house. My wife has been better at allowing me to serve when guest and just her friends come to our house.It is just such a good feeling and I am so proud to be at the call of my wife. We are planning a recommitment ceremony in front of a few close friends this summer. David
Ms Kathy,
Would you mind more talking about the 3 S's (surrender, submit and serve)? Pretty please? For example, what is the difference between surrender and submit?
Alex
For David, thank you sweetie for the comment. The decision on how public your relationship should become is a difficult one. The lady I was speaking about has been our neighbor for a number of years. Our was room is in the rear of the house adjacent to the kitchen. A few years ago she came over when John was removing the wash from the machine. She couldn't help but admire the careful way in which he pulled out each item of clothes and placed it on a hanger. She made a little comment at the time to the effect of how lucky I was, but that is as far as it went. What I don't want is other men in the neighborhood talking about John behind his back. In the privacy of the home he is my slave, but outside of the home he is 'the man' and that is the way I want him to remain.
Love, Kathy
Alex,
There are more things we can talk about, but this is not a good time for me. I will expect to be away from the blog for several weeks. And, at the moment I an sure what the differences are between surrender and submit?
Love, Kathy
Do you mind if I hop in here to answer this one? Its the title of my book that Kathy references up top, Surrender, submit, serve her.
Obviously there is much greater detail in the book but it breaks down to this:
Surrender - surrendering to the idea of female leadership. Surrendering to your desire to be led by her. Finally surrendering to the idea of her natural authority.
Submit - once you surrender to these concepts you can submit. Submitting to a female leader and learning to live and thrive in a female-led household.
Serve - once you've accepted who you both are and submitted to her authority and accepted your role, you can begin the rich, rewarding and fulfilling life of serving her.
Hope that helps,
Key
For whatever reason you will be missing several weeks, please be careful and hurry back to us boys. I hope it is nothing serious. Know that you will be missed/
richard s.
Of course, never apologize if you really hurt him. That might make him think you care about his well being. Let him know that you will happily destroy him when the mood strikes.
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