Tuesday, April 10, 2018

Back To Basics-Conclusion

There were a couple of emails that criticized me for not concluding the last series in a more formal manner.  Let me say that reading the comments was a learning experience. It was especially interesting to have Key as a commenter and contributor. It any of you haven't read his book, I recommend it. Everyone in a female led relationship, male or female, can get something out of it.
For John and I it was the pledge.  Words have meaning. Saying them out loud to a spouse has a way of crystalizing that meaning in a way that is more real and personal.

In the book Key talks about the weekly meeting. Yes, this is something John and I have been doing for quite some time. And yes, in my opinion men should be kept on their knees for this meeting.
Keeping a man on his knees has a way of reminding him of his place. It also helps him to focus on the discussion at hand. If the meeting is long enough for his knees to start hurting allow him to sit back for a few minuets or so. Either way end  the meeting with him on his knees, and give him the opportunity to kiss your feet as a reward for being a good husband. Every man I ever talked with appreciates the opportunity of kissing the feet of his mistress. Why, I don't know, but they do.

In my opinion a mistress wife never really dominates a man. As mentioned earlier I dislike the term dominate. It seems to imply that you are forcing a man to do things against his will. A mistress wife provides the submissive husband the freedom to be the man he wants to be. Along the way there are rules and protocol that enable a man to do things Her way. I love the way Key capitalizes certain expressions. It makes the point that the husband tends to live in Her world rather than She in his world. The truly submissive man wants to accept Her guidance, Her judgment, and Her way of doing things.

In an earlier post it was mentioned that John opened up a bit to his regular golf partner about our life style. 'Do you always agree with her', he asked. John's response was not always, but most of the time.
'Do you offer an opinion', was the next question. 'Yes, if she ask for one' was John's reply, 'but she does not always ask'. There are times when I want John's opinion. More often than not I will sound out Becky or one of my girlfriends. John's friend asked if he ever became annoyed with me, and if so how did he handle it. John told me that he gave his friend the same advice that he once gave to David.
There may be times that you are frustrated or angry, but the best thing to do is to bite your tongue and think 'yes mistress' ever if you don't say it aloud.

In the book Key seems to think that female judgment is superior. If it is or not I am not really sure.
What is important is for the husband to believe that his wife's judgment is superior to his. This is at least true for matters of the home and the family. And, in that regard I truly believe that my thinking is more on queue than Johns.

It has been several weeks since I read Key's book, but a question that comes up time after time is what do you get out of being John's mistress. Yes, a clean house is nice, and help with the laundry makes things easier, but a woman doesn't marry  a man because she wants a house maid. On that first day without John I cried. That big house that once filled with children, dogs, and a loving man was now empty. There was no longer a 'we', there was only a he and a she. And, in the book Key seems to capture the importance of there being a we.

The question than comes up about what I wanted in a femdom relationship. The answer is simple. I wanted the love of my husband. For me and for many of us the most important thing in life that determines happiness is love. Money is important, and so is health. Yet, without John at my side the other things in life mean little. As strange as it seems I was on a guilt trip. Why didn't John have the confidence to talk with me about his submissive needs. Why didn't  I notice that he needed more control. And then much later in life John opened up about the way Becky tended to lead him when they were together. Of course, it was long after the fact, but this story tended to create some additional feelings of guilt. Could it be that this young lady, our daughter, was actually more of a mistress to him than I had been.

From working with Tara I quickly learned that John needed a mistress. And, I also understood that if I wanted John back in my life I would need to be that mistress. I was not going to be one of those wives who drove their husband to the dominatrix for an afternoon romp. In the beginning I was more of a mistress than a mistress-wife. Although I loved john, and wanted him back as a fixture in my life, there was a matter of trust. He had broken the bonds of our marriage. Men, I told Becky need to be watched. While John has worked hard to rebuild my trust there are issues that will never be quite the same. As I tell Becky know what David is doing at all times and know who he is doing it with. If he is playing golf learn the names of his golfing friends, their wives, and phone numbers. In earlier years there were evenings with friends as well as business dinners. The alarm codes for our home were set in such a way that John could not leave without me knowing about it. And, of course, without permission he was not allowed to leave the house.

While restricting the alarm codes to the house is above and beyond, what I have learned is that John appreciates the controls on his personal freedom. It may just be a submissive thing, but men want to know that you are watching them. They want to know that mistress is looking at the history tab on their computer, the millage on their car as well as restricting the amount of spendable cash in their possession. When you are together the best place for a husband's wallet is in your purse. John once commented that a young teenage boy on our block had more personal freedom and spendable cash than he had. Yes, I told him, and it will stay that way. The thing is that we both like it that way. He wants and needs that control. He is a typical man and I love him for it.


Love, Kathy





22 comments:

Key Barrett said...

Kathy,
You describe your female led relationship with John in such wonderful, loving and breathtakingly honest terms. Its wonderful to see a working FLR because they all feature a level of trust, care and intimacy that many marriages profess to have but feel the absence of.
Id like to thank you for introducing your readers to my book. You clearly got the points behind it and felt free (as you should!) To disagree with my conclusions. But it was such a delight to have someone like you read and reinforce the ideas in the book like the pledge, doing things 'Her way' and most of all, the idea that words have meaning especially when said aloud.

So thank you for all of it. You've certainly found a new follower in me.

Key

Anonymous said...

Ms. Kathy,

Thank you so much for posting!

Alex

kellydvash said...

Hello,

Could you please explain more about how you think men should value the woman's judgement as superior?

Anonymous said...

Dear Mistress Kathy
*curtsey*
As you so rightly say, it is all about love, friendship and harmony. My wife is really very vanilla, but my case shows that femdom can still play a role and help define a successful marriage. About six months into our relationship we had a huge argument and barely spoke for a week. She would not apologise and expected me to do so even though I believed I was in the right. And so I did. It happened once again about four months later and again I apologised despite believing I was in the right. There was a very definite power exchange. Shortly after she was talking to a friend with me present and told her that she was the one who had the final say on everything. I went red but nodded in agreement. It was very matter of fact and again set the tone for us going forward. Since those two arguments there has not been a single one in the past 23 years. I live in the world that she wants me to live in and we are both very happy. We have tried kinky things a couple of times but it doesn't feel natural. I didn't enjoy being spanked and she didn't enjoy doing it either so that was short lasting. But my submissiveness has steadily grown over the years. I'm not a very good lover in the traditional sense. Size is an issue, but I more than make up for it in other ways. The one thing that we have introduced and stuck with is chastity, largely on an honour basis but she will resort to the cage when she feels I need it. I don't experience an orgasm very often - maybe once every four to six weeks - and this is an incredibly powerful motivation to get pleasure from her pleasure. And it works. To be truly part of the female orgasm is one of life's great experiences. I love my wife and would do anything for her. She is my mistress and I am allowed to call her that. If I have one regret it is that I have not been allowed to explore my cross dressing urges. In a feminist household with two older sisters, this was a big part of my growing up. It was my secret, and it defined me in my teenage years. It was perhaps this, and my early lack of prowess in bed, that allowed my submissive side to emerge. But my wife is not comfortable with it and I respect that, even though in a playful way I like to identify myself as a sissy. I am however, allowed to dress her and help chose her outfits which is something I love doing. I have never been unfaithful and I never will be. Femdom, in in our mild form, has, I believe, given us incredibly strong foundations and I would estimate that we say 'I love you' to each other at least ten times a day.
Thank you for your blog Mistress Kathy. It helps us all.
*curtsey*
Sissy Jenna

Key Barrett said...

Hi Kelly,
If you were asking me the answer is not so much that every woman's judgment is superior, but that in the context of a female led relationship that both parties want, its imperative that the husband believes that and the wife accepts it.

If he really doesnt believe in her superior judgment then the first tine there is a disagreement he wont take her word as final (because he will think he knows better), or he will begrudgingly accept her decision but subtly undermine the outcome.

Just like the 1st amendment is only valid when we support speech we disagree with, so true is it that a woman's authority is only really strong when the husband supports fully decisions he may disagree with.

Besides, if he wants an FLR, whats the point if he doesnt believe in her abilities to lead?

Hope that helps. I go into greater detail in the book.

🔑

kellydvash said...

But does that mean "believe" Her judgement is superior or just accept acting as though it was???? I think it depends on what context you define the word "superior" under but I want to hear your thoughts.

Gigi said...

Hi,

I'm really liking this series but I don't think anyone ought to "criticize you" for not ending the series in any way. I think if Women criticized you that was not nice and if men criticized you it was even an offense against Femdom ideals. They ought to be punished!

Anonymous said...

Ms Kathy,

I love how you talk about this. It takes a certain amount of clarity to call something "conclusion" of a thread, especially so if that thread is about a book.

In a way, I think your current post is very much about centering the male around Female values. That has really been the topic lately, and it comes in different flavors. One flavor would be all those things you say like "he should believe Her judgement is superior" and that yours is superior in your case, anyway. That you love the capitlization of Feminine things. And you starting to adopt that style. The conclusion of it, which is that it puts him in a world that centers around Her. That is all ONE flavor.

Another flavor is the pledge, making him kneel... that's more the verbal/physical flavor of the same thing.

And there are other such flavors of this, but I think the theme is clear. The theme is boys center around Women. It's more than just Girls rule. It's "This is a Women's World" or at least "A Woman-centered relationship" that reflects Feminine values, Feminine styles, Femininity in itself.

Believe it or not, that's the hidden reason for Femdom.

Alex

Key Barrett said...

Hi Kelly,
Yes, with matters relating to the relationship he should believe her judgment is best. Not that his is terrible. If the word superior is hanging you up, then think of it this way: the husband should feel she makes great decisions for the team

🔑

Anonymous said...

Kathy.
What a lovely post. You really summed it up well when you said that your great desire in your FLM was the love of your husband. That is what all FLMs are about. As women in an FLM we need to learn that love comes from our husbands submitting to us and serving us. It may not be what we expected (or even wanted) when we were first married, but finally accepting our husbands as our servants and submissives has truly allowed our love for each other to grow and flourish. I truly loved reading this series with my husband (actually I had him read your posts to me while kneeling in front of me ). I look forward to your next series of posts.
Sincerely,
Diane.

Kathy said...

Thank you Diane for reading and contributing to the blog.

As a young girl my daddy would some times take me to an oyster bar. He loved to eat raw oysters. One day he offered me one. It looked and tasted terrible. What he told me was that oysters was an 'acquired' taste. Femdom is the same way. On first look or first try femdom seems terrible. If you try it and stay with it for a while it grows on you.

Love, Kathy

subguyinAtl said...

What a beautiful ode. You lifted my day.

Anonymous said...

I always spent my half an hour to read this website's posts everyday along with a mug of
coffee.

Anonymous said...

Kathy:

Another message from you that I believe truly captures the essence of a FLR or Femdom relationship. For me too, I see it as “we” the Queen and me “tending” to live in Her world. Our lives tend to revolve around what she enjoys; Her past times; Her food choices; Her TV favorites; Her vacation spots; Her clothes choices; and even the days that the house gets cleaned and the ironing done.

We are not in a FLR or practice any form of Femdom these days, and yet our marriage can be characterized by what I said above: simply by my actions, my deference, my desire to please my Wife, ensuring that Her days are as much carefree and enjoyable as they can be. I take my pleasure from Hers, which I believe is the ultimate need and desire of a submissive man.

When it was allowed, I too have loved kneeling before my Wife and kissing her feet. There is something about that simple act that I find especially comforting; quieting; satisfying. Perhaps that picture can leave little doubt as to the status of the man in the Woman’s world. And to do so willingly is an exquisite gesture of the love, admiration, respect and adoration I hold for HER!

I am not sure why this simple act makes me feel this way. Perhaps it is like chess, wherein the King is such a large and stately figure, but of course the most powerful piece on the chess board is the Queen: Kneeling is an acknowledgement per se'?

Men are deemed to be kings, yet I sincerely believe that Women actually hold power over most of my gender. Cinderella provides just such a story; wherein a man of royalty, can kneel before a simple peasant girl, quietly demonstrating the captivating power and Queenly presence that resides in almost any Woman.

For me it is an honor and privilege to respect a Woman in this matter.

Thanks again for sharing and making us think.

Steve

Kathy said...

For Steve,

Very sweet comment,


Love, Kathy

Anonymous said...

Kathy I love your blog! I've just discovered it, but I have a feeling that I'll read every word before long. I've already read several other blogs on the subject. I'm VERY new to this lifestyle so I'm starving for information. I completely dedicated myself to my girlfriends happiness about a week ago and while I wish she were more demanding or bossy at times I understand that she always comes first. Reading your blog has definitely helped me adopt the mindset needed to properly serve my Queen the way she deserves. Thank you so much for the work you put in here, it's been a big help.

-Dan

kellydvash said...

Key,

Thanks. No, I'm not against or scared by these things. I just want more discussion on them because I love the idea.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Ms Kathy,

I think something beautiful that has sprouted from the blog is the idea of Gynocentrism.

For those who don't know, Gyno means Woman and Centric, of course, well we all know what that means. So Gynocentrism is the result of the Women being in the center and everything revolving around Women. It starts with capitalizing only "Her", "She", etc., and goes on and on through the beautiful things in this post.

Ms. Kathy, could you please expand on this idea? I think it's wonderful. I think when we think of Gynocentrism as the motor that makes people want Femdom we get a better picture. Women are the center of life, and men are sick and tired of being made to occupy that role. I don't think men want to be treated bad or that they should be, not at all! But I do think it's OK for men to just not have to take the lightspot all the time and men will have a nicer life if that life revolves around what matters the most in life, which is life itself, which is best expressed in the Feminine and in Women and not in men. Women are the elixir of life and that's what Femdom recognizes and is all about. That's why it can be actually such a life sweetener.

Alex

Juan Carlos said...

I recently found your blog and I love how natural it is. You refer to a studio. I have not managed to know what it is and if you work at el.is a studio of Mistress? .Thank you

Juan Carlos

Alex said...

Ms Kathy,

Sometimes on weekends you post. Do you think that might happen this week if we're really nice? Pretty please?

Alex said...

Ms. Kathy,

I want to say some things to Juan Carlos:

Hola Juan Carlos,

Soy de México. ¿Tú?

Ms. Kathy is referring to a studio She volunteered in during a time when She wanted to learn more about Her now slave-husband's experience in that studio.

Ms. Kathy is awesome and this is a FABULOUS blog. I have been following it almost from the beginning, I think about almost 10 years now? One of the sad things though is She erases posts sometimes (don't ask why, but it has to do with privacy. I wished She didn't, anyway WHO is going to know anything about Her just because there's SOMEONE online writing about whatever? There are so many Kathys in the world!!!! But we respect Her decision always, or in her slave-husband's words "bite your tongue and say Yes, Mistress"). Most of us are in love with Ms. Kathy and Her daughter, Ms. Becky, who is also a Dominant Woman and also has a slave-husband. I bet you they are a gorgeous family, with beautiful values and ideals and way of life and, one of the beautiful things they have, Femdom. I wished there were more Femdom families like that!!!!