Thank all of you for contributing to the blog by way of comments. Since the last posting John and I have had several discussions related to what we call Rules of the House. By looking at the various sites John clearly violated the Rules. He understands this. He also understands that his actions caused me pain and anguish. It is important for me to be able to trust John. He is my husband and the love of my life. Too many marriages fail because of a lack of trust. Although John was punished it is my hope that the most effective penance was his understanding of the hurt his actions caused.
In the conversation I asked John if deep down he wanted to be caught looking at those porn sites.
His answer I felt was truthful. He was not sure, he responded. A part of him wanted to be caught and punihsed. Since retirement we have put less effort into our marriage. And, femdom like any other relationship requires a certain amount of effort. What I need is for John to show me his love. What John needs is for me to show him control and authority. In a real sense John has the need to be kept under my thumb in a way that is difficult for women to understand. This is why, I believe, so many women have an issue with accepting femdom relatisonships. We just don't understand them.
One of my first thoughts was to give John lines to write as part of his punishment. In the past this has been an effective punishment in that he absolutely hates lines. On the other hand I wanted something more constrcutive. Becky suggested something along the lines of an essay. She told me that an essay has worked for her. She sat her husband down in a quite room with a paper and pen.
Her instructions to him were simple. 'Write about what happened and why', she told him. Becky told me that the assignment worked out better than she thought it would. Her husband put a lot of effort into the assignment. It gave her a better understanding of his thought process as well as his needs.
She then used the essay as a basis of their discussion.
Men often complain that they have most difficult time understanding what women want. By the same token women have a difficult time understanding their men. It becomes especially difficult with submissive men. Yes, of course, they need control, but how much control? How much freedom should you allow them? Should an older daughter ever be put in charge of them? This question has again come to me in an email. And, most critical is about trust. How much should you trust a man to be on his best behavior. And, as a mistress wife what is in the relationship for me. 'I want to be his wife, not his mother', is the comment that routinely comes into my email box.
Without going into detail John poured his heart out into the essay. Many of the comment were quite close to the mark. In a sense he felt that I no longer cared about being his mistress. He felt lost. He felt as though his service to me has been taken for granted. 'I no longer cared if the housekeeping was not properly done', he wrote. There were other things, but in essence he felt neglected. Can any of you identify with this? This is an important issue is femdom relationships that needs to be addressed.
Love you all reading my blog. Love you even more for sharing.
Kathy
Oh my. I wish I could comment on all of your posts, but there is life to tend to. But this one demands me to respond, because I can relate so strongly. (For background, married 37 years, wife aware of my FLR wants/needs and actually a vanilla domme, but in no way interested in what we would recognize as FLR).
ReplyDeleteI want to offer two thoughts. The first is that, when you get past all the visible trappings, a power exchange relationship has a raw, unvarnished intimacy that once experienced, is difficult to live without. Yet that intimacy can be tiring, and I think particularly for the dominant partner, because they shoulder the responsibility of leadership. Being a leader in any setting consumes a lot of energy, and when it is required in your marriage, it's a 24/7 thing, even if you only have take action a few times/year. You are responsible for maintaining that poster of leadership, and letting the follower knowing he is being led, even if there is no correction or instruction that he needs. It's the reason a military unit drills. The drill activity often has zero relationship to what might happen in combat (that's what war games are for)... it's all about strengthening the leadership/follower relationship. I think all successful, mature relationships fall into a comfortable routine. In a vanilla marriage, both partners might say that there has been a degradation of excitement or "aliveness" in the marriage, but neither party is automatically feeling ignored or unloved. But in your relationship, John feels lost, because falling into that comfortable pattern deprives him of the essence of what he needs, which is the raw intimacy that comes from surrender of power. You comment, accurately I think, that "so many women have an issue with accepting femdom relatisonships. We just don't understand them." I would add the sentence "And we do understand them, we are often challenged by the emotional effort it requires of us to consciously affirm the nature of our relationship with our submissive, even when their behavior is perfect."
The second thought, which springs from the first, is that men can get a bad case of the pitifuls when their needs aren't met. When we feel pitiful, we extrapolate in completely invalid ways. So... we've behaved very well, we haven't felt the weight of your thumb (that we need), and rather thinking "oh how nice it must be for her that she no longer has to worry about correcting how I do the laundry", we immediately go to "she doesn't care anymore about how I do the laundry, so she must not care about me." An impolite description would be that no matter how lovely a slave we are, we can be tiring little bitches if not tended to. And all that tending, for a Mistress, unless it actually excites her libido, can surely become tiring.
Mars and Venus do seem to have difficulty understanding each other, but as the hurdles and hoops are handled and put behind us, we can fathom what the partner really wants and what we need to do.
ReplyDeleteIt is a love affair -- it is a contest -- but as long as each partner knows and makes known, what is required, succeeding in the endeavor is possible.
It sounds like John wanted to be entertained when that's not what femdom is about. It's supposed to be about giving the ultimate have your cake and eat it too life to your wife. A proper male sub feels just a much joy from his wife being able to out go for a night on the town as she herself feels from it, so of course, he is glad to do house work to help make it possible. It's very important to include giving your wife space when she needs it. I remember when I took a vacation day and spur of the moment, my wife changed our plans together and said she was spending the day at the casino by herself while I did chores around the house and babysitting because she told me she wanted to get away from me for a while. At first, I was hurt, but then it felt great to fulfill this kind of need for her her. Being in touch with all her moods and needs and not being clingy is what femdom is all about.
ReplyDeleteJoel
Prior to our marriage we discussed the roles that one would have. My wife at that time made it known she would run the household. She pointed out my speending habits, by little boy behavior and a couple of other items. I agreed with her being in that role, and I would do what the husband normally does, a bread winner. She also said that she could address my conduct with punishment, and that punishment would fit the "crime". So I'm spanked when I do things that only a naughty little boy would do. It is pure punishment, our marriage is strong because of our roles and that is what is important.
ReplyDeleteInteresting that you described John’s essay writing as “penance.” A religious term that seems completely applicable here — John did something wrong, asked for forgiveness, was punished and participated in reconciliation through his essay writing. And it sounds like you’re better now than you were before!
ReplyDeleteAll relationships are unique dances, and when a relationship goes off track, it’s almost always the case that both parties need to recalibrate. And it’s often the case that couples are stronger after that recalibration.
As a sub whose wife has had limited interest in a femdom relationship, I’m impressed at your willingness to look at what John wants from you and what you’e been willing to provide. But not all wives are able to do that, and we husbands have to recognize that all couples have to figure how they will dance together. The open communication you and John have come to share has made much of your progress possible, I suspect.
Poster
I totally agree with what subguyinAt has said. He has the insight and intimate knowledge and the right words to express exactly my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteOurs is a bit different from other readers in more strict FLR's and i gravitate from feeling down and un-appreciated to happy to do a good job, for "us" as partners in a long term relationship (over 50 years now). The dull and boring stuff is there, every day and the new and exciting and things that used to be so fulfilling are no longer at that point. The issue is the basic love that we share. Sometimes, she is not going to be a leader or enjoy anything extra that gets done or any appreciation or supervision or dominance that once was such a part of our lives. Basically, the energy connection wanes and life becomes boring. Being Dominant does take a lot of work and staying mentally in-charge of another is not as easy as it may sound.
Finding happiness within a relationship is a careful balance between the two and each needs to know and understand one another and provide that synergy to compliment each other. If that changes, acknowledge the change and then plan out the next step going forward. It may not be exactly what you want, but it will help maintain the relationship in the long run.
I think if you utterly refuse to ever give out corporal punishment then you have a triple responsibility not to neglect. Because subs NEED corporal punishment and yours doesn't get any at all. It's a NEED not a want
ReplyDeleteDear Kathy,
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion its not about the neglect, but more about the power and control women have over men and especially wives have over their (submissive) husbands.
We want to do all the things we can for our goddesses, also the things we dont like to do or give you more of our time than is healthy or duable or normal. We love to put in the effort, but also because women can make us do it (power and control).
But I agree with you that its Always difficult because you are also wife and husband, but the thing I would miss in a vanilla relation is the power you have over your husband, that you could make him do things he rather wouldn't or make him go the extra mile.
I love it when I feel this power and confidence in a woman and that she is in control of the relationship.
And for me it seems natural in a marriage, with 2 people who love eachother that its about loving and caring domination, you dont want to hurt your partner.
Love Tiptease