Good morning to all of you.
This is just a quick posting to say something that has been on my mind for a long time. In this blog I very seldom, if ever, use the terms dominance or dominate. For me female authority is about leading a man rather than dominating him. In my opinion one of the differences between being a mistress wife and a professional dominatrix is that a wife tends to lead her man rather than dominate him.
Real life with a truly submissive man is not about dominating him. Rather it is about providing him with the structure and emotional support he needs in order to be happy and thrive as an individual.
It was only after I understood this that I was willing to take control of my marriage, and the man whom I loved.
The simple truth is that many men were not born to lead. It was society that cast them into the role of head of house forcing them into live a life that they could never truly adjust to. It is like trying to put a square peg into a round hole. After a lot of pushing you may be able to get the peg into the hole, but it never fits as it should. At the same time we see women who have had a history of personal leadership accomplishments deferring to their men in an effort to conform to perceived expectations of what a good wife should do. That is why we see so many de facto type femdom marriages whereby the wife leads her husband in every way, but there is no overt agreement that she is in charge. In fact, with friends and family she may even pretend to be a follower in the marriage. Of course the new age model of relationships calls for equality.
For many couples in modern society the equality model will work just fine. Yet, we know from personal experiences that some men are born with a very natural need for female control in their everyday life. What percentage of men are naturally submissive I have no idea. My guess is that the percentage of men who are born with submissive genes is much higher than anyone would guess.
Among those submissive men are a few that are highly submissve. My husband is a good example.
Many of you who read this blog are also highly submissive. A common trait that most of you share is that from time to time you try to hide or fight off your need for female control. From what I have observed this works for a little while, but most may never be truly happy in a vanilla type relatinship.
What is lacking in society are role models whom young males can openly identify with. There are few if any openly submissive actors, athlettes, or whatever. Among Hollywood celebs it is almost fashionable to be homosexual or transexual, but never submissive. Why? I have no idea. One of the reasons Becky's husband opened up was that he had John as a role model. Having a father in law as a submissive husband made it safe for him to discuss his need for female authority with Becky. Further more it is my belief that one of the reasons why Becky is such an effective mistress is that she sees herself as a leader rather than as a dominator.
If there is interest in this subject we can talk more about it?
Love, Kathy
A very interesting posting!
ReplyDeleteI agree that many men were not born to lead. I know several couples where the woman leads, simply because she is better fitted to it. For example in one couple I know, the man is very interested in poetry and literature. In these fields he is very knowledgeable. When it comes to practical things however, he is vague and unreliable. His wife is much more sensible in everyday matters and she leads their marriage. With other couples, the man may be just as practical and sensible as the woman, but simply have no interest in taking the leading role. Some men might be happy to take the leading role, or at least an equal role, in everyday life, but be submissive in the bedroom.
As to why it is acceptable (as you say, almost fashionable) to be gay or transsexual, but not to be submissive, I am not sure. I hope that is is simply a matter of time until it becomes just as acceptable. Homosexuality started to come out of the closet fifty years ago (Stonewall in 1969), but male submissiveness is only now coming into the open and attitudes seem to be gradually changing. The sculpture "Tables Turned" by Pam Foss is an example of this:
https://naturallyginblog.com/2019/04/22/tables-turned-by-pam-foss/
Stewart
Ms Kathy,
ReplyDeleteYes, there is a lot of interest in this subject.
I think one aspect you passed over is the man who is the alpha at work, etc., but relishes the submissive role at home because it balances him and relieves him from stress. Competition in the outside world is endless for men and having a no competition marriage where everything is known and predictable is highly attractive. Men are programmed for obedience from an early age and many of us are perfectly willing to obey a loving wife who meets our needs. And no, we’re never really happy in a vanilla marriage. Wives act as if they were tricked or deceived when we tell them our inner needs, but we often marry before sorting ourselves out and learn to be honest with ourselves. We feel like we have to change and adapt to their changing circumstances throughout marriage and they are rigid about not indulging our needs. We spend a lot of energy asking “ do I stay or do I go” and at what price to our peace and happiness.
ReplyDeleteThe times are changing, the woman is stepping forward, the males are gradually accepting this change. There is something to be said about being a stay at home husband. In my case I still work, enjoy it, my wife has a management position, brings in good money. She is in charge at home, I have no problems with that at all. For the past year my wife has decided to tighten the reins, I've stayed out late with the "boys", get lazy with the chores. What she saids I must obey, I accepted that. It was when she said we needed to talk in the bedroom, just the two of us in the home. I was told to undress, stand hands at side, no talking. I did as told, she scolded me, and then said i will be treated like a naughty little boy when I act as such and that means you will be spanked. I laugh, and she did not, I went over her lap willing and a couple of minutes I was squirming, kicking, say that is enough. Not so funny she said, I said please stop. Oh she stopped to only pick up the hairbrush and when that was finally put back on the dresser I was a mess. Best remember this spanking she said, the next one will be worse. Her spankings are just that a spanking and I've improved. She told me it should have been started at the beginning of our relationship.
ReplyDeleteYes, that would be very interesting. The lack of role models makes it feel like seeking structure and female leadership is somehow kinky or demeaning or wimpy. So a lot of us fear to even bring it up with the female in our life.
ReplyDeleteCould it be that many of the changes in society are not spontaneous, bottom up organic, but rather are top down engineered? In many of our lifetimes, things like homosexuality and transgenderism were considered alien and weird, but all of a sudden, out of nowhere, they became acceptable and fashionable. There's no way this kind of shift in attitude occurred through rational argument, it's just that we are all lemmings more than we care to admit. Whenever Hollywood provides us a "teaching moment", a lot of us just go along with it. If Hollywood wanted to promoted femdom, they could easily have the sex scene be him going down on her. But they choose not to. Behind the scenes, Hollywood is run by men who claim to support the women's movement, yet, were also the big perpetrators in #MeToo. Hollywood has an extremely heavy Jewish influence and has already had great success manipulating men to support all kinds of stuff. They are afraid that women might not be as easily manipulated and women running households on an industrial scale is too big a loose cannon for them. After all, families and marriages might work better and who would fight wars for Israel?
ReplyDeleteJoel
Dear Kathy,
ReplyDeleteAs easy it is for me to be submissive towards women, as hard it is to be it in front of men.
I have no problem at all to give control to a woman (well a normal loving caring woman) but I dont know if I could give up control to a dominant couple, even when I think about it there is a holding back towards men.
I think thats part of the competition there is in our daily life. And thats for me the reason to be not open about my submissiveness and shame is just a part of it, the main reason is that I just "fight back" to the so called alpha male and dont want to be seen as "weak" by them
So I think its our competitive life that makes it difficult for rolemodels to come out as a submissive. Gay men and transexuals can be seen as dominant, submissive men can't.
Very curious about your opinion on the rolemodel thing,
Tiptease
While my late millennial and early Gen-Z children have been more exposed to the idea of dominant-submissive relationships that I was in the 70's, I agree there aren't really role models that are visible in any but the most superficial sense. But for that matter, other than witnessing their parents' relationship, the whole topic of forming and sustaining relationships is really experience-based learning for the entire species. There are plenty of influences in society, but it's not a "class" that we teach, or that could even be taught. So having more role models for a leadership-based dom-sub relationships would add to the influence flux, I'm not sure how much it helps young adults either discover that is something that want or how to signal to others.
ReplyDeleteI fall into the outside leader category, as does my wife (even more so), but at home our early 80's marriage has always been egalitarian. In my 30's I tried and tried to interest her in FLR and failed miserably... it was just impossible to get her (very non-introspective) brain past the fetish associations. Would visible models have helped? Maybe. They wouldn't have hurt. What would have helped a ton would have been my ability to recognize and confess my need while we were dating, but that's a big ask today of a 22 year old male (and a bigger ask in 1981!).
As to which models matter, IMHO, female models are much more critical. Women have much more leverage to dictate how relationships work. Men will fall in line if their needs are met.
Ms Kathy
ReplyDeleteGender role models are very inportant but what about Female gender role models?
Several of the US Hollywood gossip sites have alleged that certain Hollywood couples are in Femdom relationships. Whether this is true or just titillation no one really knows. I doubt we will ever find out. The only Hollywood person we know has had some kind of Femdom relationship is one writer of The Matrix - one of the brothers who wrote it is said to have married a Hollywood Dominatrix prior to undergoing some kind of gender change.
ReplyDeleteNo man is going to willingly come out into the open as a submissive. 99.9% of men would look upon him with disgust and the overwhelming majority of women would look down on such a man also. Most women still want men to be MEN in the traditional sense. Yes, you can argue that most women have no understanding of FLRs. But when you look at books like Fifty Shades of Gray you see just how popular that book - the life of a submissive woman - was with women. I do not know a single man who bought that book but I know plenty of women who did. Millions of women bought that book.
We just are not going to see a society in the foreseeable future where men are publicly submissive and obedient to women. The fantasies of women leading men on the sidewalk using collars & leads is going to remain fantasy. No one would want to see that anyhow as no one wishes to inflict that on vanilla people or - of course - on innocent children. FLR should, for many reasons, stay a private thing between a consenting adult couple and often kept behind closed doors.
I read the numerous posts on here from Kathy talking about thinking that women are becoming more dominant in society. I wish it was so but I see different. The muslim population is growing rapidly in all Western countries. In half a century many European countries will become muslim due to deaths and birth-rates. Canada will eventually see the same change and already there are huge muslim areas of the US. If anything the rights of women are going to go backwards big time. You are more likely to see more women adopting submissive personas publicly in the coming decades than you will see them becoming Femdoms.
> "The muslim population is growing rapidly in all Western countries. In half a century many European countries will become muslim due to deaths and birth-rates"
DeleteWhy do you think so? This is completely wrong.
For the number of Muslims to outnumber non-Muslims by midcentury, it would require either breeding on a scale rarely seen in history or for immigration to continue at a pace that's now politically unacceptable. More likely, new controls will slow Muslim immigration. The birthrate for Muslim immigrants is also likely to continue to decline, as it has tended to do, with greater affluence and better health care. There is no Europewide data available, but one study says fertility rates among Turkish-born women in the Netherlands fell from 3.2 in 1990 to 1.9 in 2005, barely above the figure for native-born Dutch. Over the same period, the equivalent figure for Moroccan-born women in the Netherlands dropped from 4.9 to 2.9. Also, fertility rates are edging upward in some Northern European countries, which would offset some of the Muslim growth. Bottom line: given the number of variables, demographers are loath to make predictions about the number of Muslims in Europe in the years to come. "You would almost have to make it up," says Carl Haub, the senior demographer at the Population Reference Bureau in Washington. And the idea of a Muslim majority any time soon? "Absolutely absurd."
In areas of personal morality, attitudes vary markedly, too. One recent Gallup poll found that more than 30 percent of French Muslims were ready to accept homosexuality, compared with zero in Britain. Almost half of French Muslims believed sex between unmarried people was morally acceptable, compared with 27 percent of German Muslims.
As for the USA. In the United States, only 1.1% of Muslims are now. This is an extremely low value. And by 2050, the U.S. Muslim population is projected to reach 8.1 million, or 2.1% of the nation’s total population — nearly twice the share of today.
That doesn't sound like an intrusion, does it?
> "Millions of women bought that book."
Oh... You know, some of my friends bought this book just because it was popular. They were not submissive women. They were very strong, and most of them, one way or another, even dominated their relationship. Everything else just laughed from her and regretted that they had wasted time.
Well said, Ma'am your first paragraph captures the reality of a FLR. I am not an alpha male and defer to my wife for most decisions that effect us both and most that affect just me. My wife would not recognise our marriage as FLR but in my mind it is.
ReplyDeleteKathy, can't wait to hear how your Thanksgiving was.
ReplyDelete-- In Boston
Ms Kathy,
ReplyDeleteI know this sounds weird, but the truth is that after very long absences from the blog I guess there is some emotion that blocks me from just talking about whatever subject is on the blog. In a way, it's like a hurt child from a missing parent. I know you probably don't feel that way, and it's just that I guess you don't understand the importance of the blog. I feel a need to talk but I feel insecure that it will lead anywhere because you'll just keep on disappearing and disappearing and maybe one day just leaving for good. Again, you just don't grasp the importance of your own blog.
One aspect of my current job is that I have to function as a mentor for college-age boys, which includes providing spiritual guidance and relationship advice. There are sometimes situations where I feel this powerful desire to want to give encouragement to find a partner (girlfriend, fiancee) who can provide some kind of strong authority and accountability. I'll think to myself, "This person REALLY needs someone in his life who can do for him what my wife has done for me."
ReplyDeleteBut it's very difficult to find the right way to say that in a conservative culture that's very critical of submissiveness as a male personality trait (southern, Bible belt, red state, etc). I'd be embarrassed to make the recommendation, for fear of anyone else finding out too much about me. There's an established "script" for coming out of the closet about sexual orientation, and plenty of support groups (online, and in person) to work through cultural conflicts. Submissive males are just regarded as the brunt of jokes, and there's no existing community in place to support them. I really identify with the person above talking about "the importance of this blog". There are a million sites that provide some mixture of pornography and fantasy, but virtually none that provide any kind of encouragement for those who want a lifestyle in any more substantial and serious way.
Hi Kathy we thought that , at least for us, there is a blend of leadership and control because why should anyone assume the woman is some super intelligence that never makes bad calls and always shows the gold status of leadership? I’m allowed an opinion and often border on rebelling because the decision I believe is bad but that’s where control comes in. I know the limit I can push things too before I get put on my knees. I love that!! And I don’t ever ever sweat the small stuff. Things I’ve just done because she has control!’ But I wouldn’t change a thing. Our love is easy and harmonious because of control lol. And yes I do get spanked and I don’t enjoy it !!!! Thanks Kathy.D&SNZ
ReplyDeleteMs. Kathy,
ReplyDeleteYou wanted to talk about "role models". I don't want to sound like a spoiler but the main reason I like Femdom is to get AWAY from masculinity, not into it more. I want OUT. So... in a way, if you want, we need more Female role models but really I think we don't need many male role models.
Ms Kathy,
ReplyDeleteHow would you say those male role models you want to talk about would be?
What traits would they have that the males from before didn't have? Would any of those traits resemble the old Female traits?
I've heard you talk before about the "new age male". You seem to like things as varied as "carries diapers" and "gets flowers". You are also OK, or maybe learned to like like oysters, "wears skirts" and "kneels". Apparently those are also important traits. I loved when you said "in conversations, they are followers".
I would like to add, is secondary to Women, seats not on the head of the table but by Her side (She sits at the head), cooks, and is not too obstrusive. Not because being obstrusive is inherently male or Female.
Takes the Woman's last name in marriage.
Pledges to "love, honor and OBEY",
Is a little shy.
Doesn't usually make the first move with Women - but the only thing is for this one Females also have to learn to do make the first move! Otherwise it's a disaster.
Alex
Has anyone seen the sculpture by Pam Foss? Yes, it says a great deal about changes in society. Before talking about Positions we may want to talk a little about some recent changes that John has brought to my attention. But first, I want each of you to google this sculpture. Love, Kathy
ReplyDeleteMs. Kathy, I can imagine social change in terms of what I call "Marital Minorities":
ReplyDelete1. Egalitarian marriages become established as an alternative to patriarchal patterns.
2. Femdom eventually becomes an established alternative.
A bit of explanation regarding number 2. The Wikipedia article about counter cultures indicated that a gay counter culture began to (secretly) form during the early 20th century. Roughly a lifetime later gay marriage became an issue.
Femdom may turn out to be a two part counter culture:
1. A grouping that includes submissive men.
2. A grouping that includes men who are Not natural submissives, but are flexible enough to accept an alternative arrangement.
I imagine the men of grouping 2 to be somewhat flexible, with will power of average strength. Who end up in relationships with women of greater will power.
And with grouping 2 I imagine influences from the work place/business, as I have speculated.
Tim
https://www.oneequalworld.com>2017/06/28>female-led-relationship
ReplyDeleteThere is a comment that makes me wonder if I have underestimated the number of women who would be interested in a Female Led Relationship.
That an FLR can be "incredibly liberating for Alpha females."
I recall coming across a book in the public library that urged strong willed women to tone it down so that they could get husbands. So how many women pretend to be something they are not?
Tim