A short note to thank Steve for his well thought out comment.
As Steve says in his comment he often has wondered about submissive men and homosexuality. Yet, of course he says, if the good Lord didn't want these things why is it that he created so many man with these attributes.
And, to John who posted as Unknown, most older men have more difficulty with kneeling straight up than submitting in the form of Command Position. In Command Position a man's weight is more evenly spread out than it is when kneeling straight up. It is difficult for my John to remain kneeling straight up for more than a few minutes, but he likes to show me he is trying. Like me, my guess is that your wife appreciates your efforts to please her even though you no longer have the strength of a younger man.
What is amazing me is the rapidly changing view of what is considered socially acceptable in polite society. A few years ago the sexual orientation of the women's soccer team would have been hidden. Today, it is being praised and hailed as wonderful example of healthy diversity. Why is it then that mistress wives are so keen on hiding their lifestyle from friends and relatives? Why is it that femdom is the alternates lifestyle choice that no one wants to openly talk about? Most of us are even afraid to share use of this lifestyle choice with our own daughters.
The other remark that I wanted to add to the Pizza Man post is that being a lifestyle mistress is not about catering to a man's continued fantasies. There is an element of understanding his fantasies, and there is room for play. However, the central core of an adult femdom relationship is simply about letting a man know that you are the boss. Going back to the previous story, the last thing John wanted was to see me on a date with another man. In a very firm way I let him know that what I did in my personal life was not his concern. In fact, I remember giving him a stern lecture to that effect along with some time in the corner for him to properly reflect on what it was I had told him. On these dates I also made sure he had plenty of chores to perform as well as lines to write. One of the punishments john hates is writing lines. This works out well for me in that it is one of the easiest punishments to give and to administer. He also understands that if the lines are scribbled instead of neatly written he starts over from scratch. Over the years he has probably written 'I will always obey and respect mistress' thousands of times. Both the words 'obey' and 'respect' should be central to the vocabulary of any submissive man.
I get so many questions related to the same topic. How can I get her to dominate me, or take control of me. While I am never sure of the complete answer to that question the starting point is to love Her, to make Her the center of your life, and show Her that you live to please Her. Offer to do chores for her. Take care of the children. It you have small children be the one who takes them to the rest room when you are out to dinner. Yes, this is uncomfortable, but being the mother of a woman with small children I can tell you she will appreciate this more than hundred foot rubs. There is nothing more sexy than the sight of a man carrying a diaper bag.
Finally, I can offer you that being a real submissive husband to a mistress wife is not a joy ride. It requires actual work on both his part and her part. Because it requires so much effort, the biggest challenge for her is discipline. If she is only playing the role of the mistress the husband will get lazy. If she learns to enforce her demands with discipline and real punishment she will evolve the relationship into something real. This, my babies, is what I have learned to do with husband. I wonder how many of you would have the inner strength to serve me in the same manner as John.
Love, Kathy
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16 comments:
Great post. So insightful. You are so right. Submission isn't all fun. Lot's of it is work. Guys interested in submitting need to understand that. But your comment noting it's work for both is also true. The work from the wife is mental. It's reassuring and confirming the effort of her husband - and making sure his actions (or lack thereof) are held accountable.
Dear Kathy,
I do agree with you that flr is not a free ride and that indeed discipline and real punishment is the biggest challenge. I want to add that we subs not only need to be held accountable, but we want it too. As you say, thats what makes it real. And it requires an effort on both sides, but it gives both sides also a lot in return and its the best for your relationship.
Thank you again for a great post
Love Tiptease
Thank you Kathy for the "shout out" and for your posting. I feel privileged to be able to share a little of your life experiences through this blog, and am glad to be able to contribute just a little now and then.
I found your blog just a few days before you removed most of the history because someone had plagiarized your life story in a book for sale. I was able to read quite a bit about the back story and realize that you came to this life style in a rather unique way.
I truly admire you for sticking with your husband through what must have been some very personally painful times for both you and John; and also for giving the Mistress lifestyle a chance, when you barely knew anything about it, and obviously wasn't your personality from the beginning.
I suspect you were a strong and self assured Woman "before" but doubt that you thought of yourself as dominant or the "Mistress type". Both of you have had to reinvent the marriage so to speak, and have made quite a loving and happy relationship I would say from the messages your offer.
My wife and I have only dipped our toes in the shallow end of the FLR "pool" and the Mrs. only lasted a short time. These days I literally ache to serve....but after 51 years of pretty darn good life together...I just grin and bear it.
Could I or do I have the inner strength to serve you in a manner equal to John?: I would like to think so, but some times realty doesn't match up with our mind's perspective; and perhaps I would quickly acquiesce to a different lifestyle.
I have always felt that the bond between a submissive man and his dominant partner was deeper, stronger, and a more intense love than normally found in a vanilla couple. At least for me I felt that way for the short period I was under the wife's thumb.
Our love for one another does mature and mellow I believe as we age; but do you feel that a FLR, or the Femdom lifestyle has influence in that as well?
I appreciated your comment about the lifestyle not being about catering to a man's fantasies; but rather about making sure that he knows that you are the boss, the leader, his inspiration. This is certainly the appeal to me.
Have a great day.
Steve
Indeed, it is peculiar that mothers don't feel comfortable talking about femdom to their own daughters even though rainbow colored flags are everywhere. All the people on this forum can acknowledge that there are reasons and circumstances where a femdom relationship is beneficial to maintaining a stable, well run family. Nobody with a straight face can say the same thing about LGBT, those couples cannot even reproduce. Yet, by a strange coincidence, the media and the corporations promote LGBT while ignoring femdom. It often comes up how a femdom relationship might sometimes be awkward for the kids. But, it has got to be at least one hundred times more awkward for a child whose adopted parents are named Adam and Steve. Yet, by another strange coincidence, the people who run society not only are hellbent on protecting the adoption rights of Adam and Steve, they want to silence all debate on that subject.
I have yet to run across a femdom person who disrespects the society they are a part of and wants to ram their views down somebody else's throats. But with LGBT, all they ever do is complain, complain, complain about not being given enough rights, and about sodomy being illegal 50 years ago. They even want apologies and restitution for that time period and seem to have this mentality of "Never Again!" about it. Doesn't this behavior sound familiar? Just (((who))) did they learn it from?
Joel
Glad to see you’ve returned to the blog, Kathy! And thank you for the the openness you’ve shown in sharing the story of the journey John and you have been on.
I suspect many readers of your blog have a story that starts like yours, where a husband fantasizes about being dominated and pursues those fantasies through pornography or a pro Domme. Then a cell phone, sex toy, or open web site is discovered by the wife, and the issue is out there. Sometimes the couple divorces, sometimes the wife tries to ignore the disturbing behavior, and sometimes the issues are worked through. For many women, I think, the fear of the marriage becoming something the wife hasn’t signed up for stops the relationship from evolving to what can become an incredibly intimate experience for both. Maybe more intimate than most vanilla relationships even. I don’t believe that all the foot rubs on the world, all the flowers at the florist, or housework a husband could possibly do will get a wife to become the dominant wife she doesn’t want to be.
What makes your story so different from the stories of other couples, Kathy, is that after a period of initial shock and betrayal, you considered becoming the woman John was seeking. Few wives would have met with their husband’s pro Domme in a constructive manner, and almost none would have interned with her the way you did with Tara.
It’s unfortunate that your blog reaches more husbands than wives, because I think that encouraging women who’ve learned about their husband’s interests to dance with their husband’s fantasies is often the biggest obstacle to achieving the level of intimacy that you and John have. Urging the wife to become someone she is afraid of becoming ends up frustrating the husband and annoying the wife.
Part Way There
I looked at the Wikipedia article for Counter Culture. The article mentions the counter culture of the 1960s. More importantly, the article discusses the gay counter culture-this gay counter culture began to form (very discreetly) in the early 20th century. A measure of tolerance for gay people came much later, and the gay marriage issue a lifetime later.
In a society with patriarchal roots, Femdom is a counter culture. A counter culture that is only just barely beginning to form.
Tim
Joel,
There’s no need to be so down on the LGBT community, they’re just seeking to be accepted and live their lives and express their love the way that feels natural and right to them, just like those of us in (or wishing to be in) FLRs are. The reason you hear so much more about them than us in the media is simply because there outnumber us so handily. As natural as female authority seems to us, a true FLR or fending relationship such as we discuss here is extremely uncommon, and further, because we are still female-male pairings, there’s not nearly the same need for us to come out of the closet. But the LGBT community are not our enemies or rivals, and we should not treat them as such. Live and let live, love and let love.
Peace,
Paul
Yes, marriage is simpler for Femdom than LGBT. One can make do with the legal framework of conventional marriage, and the female/male pairing is superficially similar.
In terms of number of people, it is hard to say how many could become interested in FLR.
Tim
Noticed the Femdom Think Tank has a discussion about Corner Time. Yes, the wife punishes her husband by sending him to a corner of the room.
This strikes me as a kind of mental technique. And practical-the wife only needs to utter instructions in one sentence.
Tim
Ms Kathy
A very wise Woman who I admire a lot once told me "In more of a matriarchal world a man's place may be in the home, but it is doing house work and chores for mistress rather than playing. "
She said "In a femdom community men have less time to play. They are often busy with less glamorous activities such as child care.
Everyone who reads Femdom 101 wants to know about my son-in-law.
A typical evening for the submissive man in a femdom relationship often involves child care and changing diapers. Not very much fun, but a needed service for mistress.
In a real matriarchal world a man may take an afternoon off to take his wife's mother to the doctor.
Again, not very much fun, but the type of assistance a busy female executive may require."
Do you remember that?
Ms Kathy, You are the best! Let's make that world exist.
Alex
Alex had an interesting post, Ms. Kathy.
Something I would add.... My suggestion that some smart woman will figure out that her man can perform intimate services for his wife such as manicure/pedicure, massages, etc. In this I see an opportunity for a man to directly express affection for his wife.
Tim
Been thinking about definitions for Femdom:
1. That realm in which men are subordinate to women.
2. The human version of a matriarchal society.
Regarding the word "subordinate"-some men may not be true submissives, but nevertheless may accept an FLR.
I understand that some animal species have matriarchal systems. I believe that this may mean that one female may govern the herd. Reading Femdom blogs, however, I have come across hints that women may cooperate in governing their men. So Femdom may become governed by an alliance of women.
Tim
I was thinking about the comments that Alex made.
My own assumption is that a man (until retirement age) will work at a regular, full time job.
After work? A question comes to mind-how much does a man value family? Is he willing to put in the time and effort to cultivate family life?
Another question-will a man make a commitment to love, honor, and obey his wife?
If Femdom should come to emphasize family, it could become a viable alternative to convention/orthodoxy.
Tim
Talk about killing a great fantasy.
It surprises me how many of you are into dating other men, even if it completely breaks your husbands heart and truly devastates him. I can only imagine how broken some of them feel to have their fantasies lead them to such a low and lonely place.
Refining the definition of Femdom....
In the dusty attic of my mind I vaguely recall things I may have come across years before in books or web sites.
One analogy....the knight who serves his queen.
A comment that Femdom empowers women.
Combining the two we get this.
"Femdom is that realm in which men serve so as to empower women"
Tim.
James, there is another side of this. You have to look at it from her perspective. Maybe i was just lucky. She allowed me to act out my role as the beta male. It helped that her friends play along. I don't know if it has been from her instruction, or she just picked guys that do it naturally. But, because of this it has become easier to accept and when i did i was able to see the enjoyment she gets from it.
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