What I would tell almost any woman who writes to me is that taking your guy for panty shopping is such a delightful experience that it shouldn't be missed. If you are overly embarrassed by taking direct part in this activity have your guy walk into the store separately. You can pretend that you don't know him, and still have delicious fun watching from a distance.
For my guy an experience such as panty shopping operates on many levels. There is the humiliation which he loves. From a practical prospective panty shopping is a way of pushing his boundaries. This is an activity he wants to perform, but on his own would never find the courage to do it. When an order from mistress make it a requirement he must find the courage. I was looking for the right words to describe the feeling when I received an email from a long time reader. Several years ago I gave him something of a simple learning experience in the form of an assignment. He described the result as both humiliating and as a rush.
The experience I gave this gentlemen was to write a few lines and to perform a version of corner time. In theory these actives could be done on his own so there should not have been any meaneful degree of humiliation. However, since the lines involved Becky, I showed her his work. Of course she laughed at the idea of a man she didn't know performing this punishment. From what I can gather this response sent him 'over the moon' as Thomas likes to say. The concept of a 'rush' combined with a feeling of humiliation is something women don't understand. In the right context it can be used as the basis of a training tool for some men. It is not punishment, but it has the effect of reminding your guy that you are the mistress and what you say goes. As a mistress wife what you expect is unquestioned obedience.
The little exchange with this gentlemen reminded me another conversation with Becky. Her relationship is younger, more fluid, and more complicated than mine. We were talking about practices and techniques of maintaining control. She said, 'You know mom what works best for me is being the person who defines David's activities'. 'Aside from work I control all of his time', she told me. From a practical prospective David no longer has any say about what he does, when he does what, or even about our social life. Last Saturday he happened to have a conversation with a neighbor. The gentlemen said to David we will see you tonight. Looking puzzled the man said we are scheduled to have dinner at such and such restaurant. When he relayed the conversation to me I realized that I had completely forgotten to tell him about our dinner plans. On the other hand the realization hit me that telling Davis in advance was not necessary as he goes where and when he is told.
What I have always stressed to Becky is that men want you to be the mistress. They want you to control their lives. In a sense it becomes your obligation to push their boundaries.
My thoughts on this Saturday morning.
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19 comments:
I’ve had this experience. Her ending comment when we got home was “ now let’s see, who should I invite over to watch you model your new panties”
Have you thought about seeking help for your husband? Clearly there is some type of mental illness from which he suffers. Since there is a strong genetic link to such mental illnesses, it might be a good idea to have your daughter checked. Any person who takes delight in physically and emotionally hurting another person is not well. My name is Wayne
Ms Kathy,
Wow, Your Saturday morning thoughts are so profound! It is true, men want You to be the Mistress, to control their lives. It's only natural. Alex
I had to smile Kathy when you commented on finding the courage because my Mistress expected something, So true. Occasionally wearing that cage thing to work terrifies me but I do it and I’m just so proud to once I find the courage to enter my work place . To me it’s like wearing a big collar! We are 6 yrs in thanks to uou
Dear mistress Kathy.you should do some book work.every thing.you say is so real.and as submissive.male I would.love to be controlled.24/7.in real mistress/ slave relationship.and as the mistress.the slave does not need to know in advance of what he got to do that day.and she could have some fun with that.like it time for football on TV and her slave thinks he going to watch football all day like.7- 10 hour.worth..the slave sits down to turn on the TV to watch and mistress come walking in and says I decided.your not watching football.today
.your going to be watching and doing stuff for my feet for the same time that you sit on this couch.then mistress snaps her fingers and puts her slave.in command position.mistresss gets his dog leash puts on his snaps it to his coller and mistress says I control.your time slave don't you ever forget that and walks her slave.on leash to her shoe closet and say your going to spend the next 3:hours cleaning all my shoes. .then when that time pass mistress come in and says slave it's time for me to lay by the pool and she takes her slaves leash and drags her slave out side and tells him for the next hour I am going to laying the.sun.and your going to kneel at the foot of my lounge chair and your going to to keep your eyes on my feet for next hour no kissing them just looking.then when this is time have passed mistress gets her slave leash and drags him in to kitchen for her lunch she tells her slave you will be eating your lunch of my feet today..
Hello Kathy. It i she always makes my day to find that you have made a post. Thank you.
When I read the last series of post and especially Becky's comments I wondered how so many women seem to miss the key to a FLR. All the kink stuff can be fun but it is the confidence and real female authority in everyday life that men need ! The thrill of a spanking or even corner times is very tempura when compared to the daily presence of a woman of authority. A woman that lives her dominance with openness and confidence along with a healthy does of privilege realizes that acts of kink are just play and have no real or lasting effect on her life. It is the confidence and complete expectation of obedience that is key to a successful FLR. Each task performed by a man in service to his wife demonstrates his submission to his wife but more importantly it validates her acceptance and expectation of his submission . The effect Is ongoing because each task or experience reinforces her position of privilege with real life benefits. This is so powerful and provides balance within the FLR without staging or acts of kink that many women do not enjoy.
Take care
John Dalton
Dear Kathy - so glad that you are blogging once again. You have been a source of inspiration for my husband and myself. As I write this he is in command position waiting for me to give him his orders for the day. His list of housework and chores is quite extensive. Since it is going to be a beautiful day I will be relaxing and reading in the sun. He will be on call to serve me throughout the day. A Femdom life is so nice :) I certainly love it and although I don't quite understand, he loves it too.
Sincerely,
Diane
Humiliation can occur in real life situations too. A few years ago I was liquidating my parent's estate and my wife fired the auctioneer I had hired because he was a rip off guy. She was right. Two weeks later, I almost fell for another scam trying to sell something on Craigslist until my wife interceded and bailed me out. From that point on, if anyone wants to do business with us, they talk to my wife. I am just a shoe shine boy in the background. Recently, we had a sewer back flow problem and had to spend thousands of dollars digging up our yard to fix it. My wife took care of it all, chewing the men out when they provided misleading information and dragged their feet, and she saved us $2000 catching a deceptive double bill line item on the invoice. By the end, all the men were afraid of her. For me this was a delicious humiliation that compels me to exalt her over and over, because without her, people would cheat me out of everything.
Joel
Ms Kathy
Your blog got me thinking. One of the things you said that many will probably not noticed is that it's delicious to watch John buy panties.
You get off on it. Like oysters, you acquired the taste of Domination.
I want to touch on this point. I think it's essential. Men don't want to have to tell their Mistresses everything about Femdom and then have them act it out like a script in a movie. Nothing to do with being shy or nervous, the hardest thing for a submissive boy is having to constantly ask for being dominted because it takes away all the thrill. Women like You and Ms Becky are perfect Doms in that you love it - or at least now you do.
I think the most essential part of the Dominting factor of Femdom is this. Men want the opportunity to be delicious. To be pursued, wanted, and used erotically. By erotic I don't only mean sex, but also othe Femdom activities, like buying panties or being walked in a leash or even being told "be an obedient slave to me" or even being discussed, as slaves, by their Mistress in a blog. They relish being delicious. But the only way that works is if Women are into it - how do you ask "taste me and find me delicious?"
Men want, in a way, to take on the old Female roll of being pretty, sexually appealing but also a help mate, being led (taken in hand), having house chores, and being loved, cared for (you are very varing in the WAY you decide for your John - it gives you the chance to decide caring things you both love). But for that they need Women who are up for the challenge, have comfidence and love it. That's most of the thrill of Femdom.
Alex
Yes, of course, femdom like oysters is an acquired taste. Do any of you remember the posting from 2009 on this subject? But, more importantly femdom looks different on the inside than is does from the outside. Just remember that being a mistress to a man who needs a mistress is an act of love.
Love, Kathy
I am in total agreement with Mr. Dalton (above)
Why is it so difficult for so many women to know and understand themselves? Some very capable and dominant women feel like they have to play submissive to get a man. Or, am I just an old guy with old ideas?
Dominance is work. It takes time and devotion and firm resolve to be successful. Many Dom/mes find that they enjoy being in control, but only those ready to thoroughly train their submissive partners find that true Femdom relationship works well. Over time, this relationship must become "normal" for them and they still need for it to fit into a vanilla world, or it will fail.
Mistress Kathy demonstrates this so well as she relates with her husband. He gets a lot more out of it than she does; but she does it out of love for him. What an amazingly wonderful bond they have formed and life they live - free to be themselves in the D/s relationship.
larry
" Just remember that being a mistress to a man who needs a mistress is an act of love"
That is certainly a memorable quote which embodies the wisdom that you have acquired and so graciously share.
Personally, I find the comments by Alex to be very appropriate to how I feel. I have been gradually getting more in to cross dressing and I love the term "being delicious". I enjoy feeling attractive and sexy. Maybe after too many years of looking at photos of gorgeous naked women I just want to be like them, but I do wish to be sexually appealing in a feminine way.
I also deeply crave to be used erotically and find the concept of being an obedient slave to be very exciting. I have often told my wife/Mistress that I NEED training. I am happiest when I am serving her and at her command.
mrbill
Ms Kathy,
You know why I remember? Because you are so important to me! Everything you say, your opinions, your Domination style, your way of spreading love through the blog, your ideas, the experiences you share with us, your John, Ms Becky and her household, everything about her, it's all you. That's why I remember that Femdom is like oysters.
Please stay with us and continue to shape how we view Femdom. Yes, we want to be shaped by you (and Ms Becky, of course! She's awesome!).
Alex
Kathy, is being a mistress to a submissive an act of love? Giving people with abnormal desires what they want is not usually a good idea.
Consider a 600 lb. husband with an eating disorder. He sneaks out to buy pizza when he knows it bad for him. His wife finds out when he comes home with a pizza box in his gym bag. Instead of getting him help, she becomes an apprentice at the pizza parlor, finds other women with 600 lb. husbands and forms a group that discusses how to give their husbands what they want and claim to need. Then she decides she thinks whipping, oops I mean pepperoni, is going too far and tells her husband she won't dominate, oops I mean cook for, him any more unless he lives without corporal discipline, oops I mean pepperoni. She is perfectly okay with locking him in a cage, dressing him in feminine clothing, calling demeaning names, oops I mean toppings of mushrooms, ground beef and olives. Her main objection to him covertly pigging out on pizza isn't his surrender to a fatal attraction but that he didn't turn to her as his chef and the money is cost to pay other pizza chefs.
Worse, she turns a blind eye when he goes out of his way to drive his minor daughter around so that he can cruise past the pizza parlor. Little by little he teaches his daughter to barter with him by learning to become a pizza chef. The fact that this excites him sexually, oops I mean gastronomically, does not bother his wife, even though we are talking about his minor daughter.
Later the daughter grows up. She finds a husband with an eating disorder and slyly encourages him to become a pizza addict and he now weighs in at 600 lbs. More, she thinks corporal punishment, oops I mean pepperoni, is just fine. In fact, she loves cooking pizza with pepperoni. She actively finds ways of making it spicier by putting the bristle side down. Mother and daughter bond with frequent conversations about stuffing their obese husbands with more pizza and the total lack of self-respect and self-loathing that causes and how it brings them closer.
The couple also has a son who marries, and they encourage the young couple to take up the pizza fascination but they realize its downfall and decline. They judge their parents/inlaws as perverse. Not surprising the son and his wife drop from mention in the wife’s online blog.
Then one day the wife takes the 600 lb. husband to a lingerie shop, oops I mean another pizza parlor, as a reward for being so loyal. They buy pizza with exotic toppings. The wife tells the husband he isn’t allowed to speak, only to stuff his fat mouth with ever more pizza. During all this the wife and the pretty high school age waitress discuss what a fat pig the pizza chomping husband is, in front of him. This horribly humiliates the husband but is an excitement rush at the same time. The waitress comments that food enslaved husbands are more common than the wife might think, we get ‘em all the time, and that she is envious of the control it gives her over him.
You can draw similar analogous sad parodies with any other self-destructive behaviors. Drug addiction, disordered fantasies of all kinds, narcissism, etc. Imagine a disturbed husband who thought he was Napoleon. Would you dress as Josephine and tell him you liked short guys? Is accommodating a disorder an act of love when it only deepens the disorder? Is it an act of love when you find benefit in another’s affliction?
NO IT IS NOT.
Thank you Ms Diane for your wonderful comment
Dear Kathy,
Your last statement about what you always stressed to Becky is that men want you to be the mistress. They want you to control their lives. In a sense it becomes your obligation to push their boundaries.
I could not agree with you more and want to complement it with control on everything and slacking off is no option. (sub) men need to be hold accountable, the unquestioned obedience and I see it not only as an obligation, but also as an act of love.
Love tiptease
My analysis is that an FLR relationship operates on many levels. First, as a man in such a relationship, we certainly do not want control. We have a sense of freedom in living in the guidance and decision making of our partner. Many women live in such a relationship, so why not a man. Second, in every relationship there is a sexual aspect. In the FLR, it can take many forms, but teasing is one of the forms. Underneath the tease is a real assertion--again one of reminding the man of the control relationship. Buying panties is certainly one form; a subtle tease to remind the man of where he sits in the relationship. Here are two examples from our relationship. i am caged most of the time (which i love). At least once or twice a week, we go to the gym. I am sent to the men's locker room and have to change clothes and, of course, shower after the workout. Basically, it involves using a towel to conceal the cage in changing and in getting into the shower stall. Of course, when i am in the gym, we both know i am caged in the midst of lots of people that are presumably unaware of my condition. My wife can suddenly become very flirtatious, much to my consternation. But it is a rush for both of us. A second example is an experience on vacation. First, we were visiting a couple in suburban Phoenix. They were a lesbian couple in which one of the partners had gone to college with my wife. They knew the basic story of our relationship if not the details. One morning my wife volunteered me to drive over to buy pastries and treats for breakfast, but first, she put a steel collar on me. The collar had a big ring on the front and locked with a padlock on the back. She gave me a rather long list (for just 4 of us) and sent me off. How did i feel waiting in line for my turn to order? It was a rush mixed with anxiety and some sort of humiliation. But somehow, I was proud to be owned.
Along with panty shopping for a submissive man, another very exciting/humiliating activity can happen at the makeup counter - if you go to certain department stores. This idea popped into my mistress’ head after we bought me a pair of XL pink panties. She took me to one of the stations and asked the girl if she had lipstick in a pink that matched the panties in my bag. The girl applied pink lipstick to me as passersby tried not to stare. Then we bought some of the lipstick and headed home.
My hear was pounding, but I hope we do it again.
- Tammy (what Laura calls me when she dresses me up)
I'm a bit confused, is feminization a prize or a punishment? Gaya
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