This past winter John and I took a ski trip with another couple. Like us they were in the lifestyle.
They were a bit younger, better skiers, but they were like us. It is difficult to explain how refreshing it felt to be with another couple where by we did not need to sensor conversation, where there was no pressure to hide who we are. For that reason being with this couple was almost like being with Becky and her husband. The other couple was much newer in the lifestyle than John and I. And, like most new devotees to a social construct were avid practitioners. In the restaurants this lady ordered for her husband, allowed him no more than one glass of wine with dinner, and bound him to be silence whenever she and I were talking. Was that really the way I use to be with John, I wondered.
Over the last several years John and I have gotten away from most formal aspects of femdom living. Yes, he still cleans the house, vacuums, and responds like the perfect male submissive when called. On the other hand he is allowed to speak as he likes. It has been some time since I have ordered for him in a restaurant, and he only wears his collar when in the mood. What surprised me was how quickly John slipped to his old ways when placed under the shadow of the other husband. As the week went on I began to realize that we were lousing some of the discipline that causes our style of life to be special. And yes, men like my John need the type of structure this other couple took for granted. Was I doing my best for John? Was I giving him the type of structure he needed. More importantly by slacking off as a mistress was I giving my marriage all of the attention it deserved?
While packing our bags for the return trip I made the statement that we would check in all of the luggage. While not exacting arguing with me John perked up that he could carry a couple of the suitcases. While trying to be helpful the fact is that John was challenging my judgment. As we were along in the hotel room I instantly put him into Command Position with a snap of my fingers plus an angry look. It was at that moment I understood the lack of firmness in our relationship was starting to cause a problem. Back home I shared this story with Becky who has emerged as more of a disciplinarian. Yes mom, you need to go back to basics was her response.
As I have stated in previous post Becky has become more of the teacher. Three children plus an active career keeps her focused on what is important in her life. She understands her father's need for female authority and has come to believe that women are the best managers. David, her husband, does as told, when he is told, and how he is told. She recommended a book by Key Barrett entitled Submit, Serve, and Surrender.
John and I read the book together. We read much of it out loud as the author recommends. It is not a total guide to the femdom experience, but a kind of tool kit where by a wife can pick out what is important to her. It is my hope that most of you read it so that we can talk about it on the blog.
Love, Kathy
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20 comments:
Wow, may I say I am really honored that you read my book! I'm glad you read it out loud too. I meant for so much of it to be shared and discussed: what didn't work for you, what did and what might work. Communication is so important to any relationship but vitally so in every good Female led relationship that I was lucky enough to be let in to.
Thank you so much for the mention, for no other reason than I get to read your blog now!
Key
That feeling of being with another couple and not having to hide who you are, or worry about a slip of the tongue outing you, is something many of us know well. If only we all had more opportunities like that. Probably the most unexpected "kink difficulty" that my wife and I discovered is just that: finding couple friends with these same interests and drives. The few we've found over the years have tended to move away or, sadly, break up.
Kathy -- Your post really spoke to me (and my husband). We have been in a femdom marriage for only a few years now and I have learned much from you how to be the dominant one in our family. I know that I do have a tendency to let things slide when my husband does not act in accord with his place, and I also find that I sometimes feel sorry for him (having to clean the house, make dinner, etc). I have noticed that when this happens my husband gets out of sorts -- moody. I have since come to realize that he needs me to be strict with him, to not feel sorry for him, to have him go to command position and stay there until I give him permission to leave. I have come to learn that rather that my strictness with him - rules, chores, punishments - are really acts of love by me that bring us closer together. I have to remind myself that I show him how much I care by keeping him in line and reminding him often of his place in our relationship-- below me.
Although we have been married over 25 years, I don't think we have ever been more in love than now. It takes a special kind of guy to admit to his wife that he wishes to submit to her. And I have learned it takes a strong woman to take on the role of his dominant. I only wish we had discovered this earlier in our marriage.
I really love this post.
Sincerely,
Diane
Kathy,
My wife and I have known a couple our age for many years. They have a fairly ordinary,’non-wife led marriage. The wife is a good friend to my wife, and she’s basically surmised that my wife rules our marriage. My wife decided never to reveal certain facts to the woman about our personal relationship, which I’m glad about. For example, my wife feels the woman should not know that I wear a chastity device. My wife feels certain facts about intimacy and about my cleaning responsibilities are also better left private. Fortunately the husband basically accepts that I answer to my wife, but probably not in a way that he would label me a submissive husband. But their know something about our real made for less problems.
Kathy:
I believe it is very common for relationships and interactions between spouses or partners to at times become “routine”; for lack of a better word at the moment. This can happen often throughout a relationship, especially one that lasts 50 years like mine.
We often take each other for granted, if just a little bit… or get very comfortable within ourselves; and life situations take our mind and our attention sometimes, from providing our spouse with the focus they cherish and deserve.
Have to admit that it has happened off and on throughout my marriage. I think it is just human nature. And often, even if one partner recognizes the situation we may not immediately take action to bring back the spice or the passion to the relationship; preferring the situation remain as it is for a period of time, or until signs from the partner indicate he/she is ready to reconnect so to speak.
There have been times in my life; months at a time, that I felt more like I was living with a roommate(without benefits) than a loving and caring partner. I am sure the Mrs. would concur that we went long periods with little physical or emotional intimacy.
Your posting of course was directed at the D/s dynamic in your marriage, but could easily apply to any of us practicing vanilla married couples. But unlike the vanilla world, your relationship has extra tools…other means to quickly if not immediately bring things back to normal within your marriage….with a little spice added as well.
The imagery of John immediately dropping into the Command Position at the snap of your fingers painted a very submissive yet powerful picture in my mind. And I admire at how quickly, without a long discussion airing out differences or concerns, or argument, you both became reminded of your place in the lifestyle you have chosen. How sweet that must be for the both of you.
Interestingly, I am just reading Submit, Serve and Surrender by Key Barrett: the section talking about “Why We need Female Authority and Leadership.”
I have never read any studies before that indicate a man can become more docile and more receptive to Woman as equals by seeing a woman take sexual control; but in retrospect I can attest to the fact that I am a exactly that way….even if it was a sub conscious perspective that I possess. And yes, I am a “mellow” fellow in my attitude, respect and admiration of Women!
And I truly believe that men, or at least men in general, benefit greatly from structured relationships with easy direct ground rules. Without a doubt I am that way and have been for as long as I can remember.
I do most of the housekeeping and kitchen duties around our place….and have a written schedule of daily tasks…..it all helps me feel productive and of service. I still struggle however with having to often guess what pleasures and pleases my wife…..as she is reluctant to vocalize and almost always defers to me. Life would be so much easier with easy, and direct ground rules… and at least sometimes having the wife tell me what is on her mind…what she would like for supper…what movie she would like to see.
Thanks again for sharing.
Steve
Declan,
That must be tough. There are networks out there if you do some googling. It's hard to separate those who want to be friends from those who want to be more than friends, but where there is a need for something like a supportive community, there is usually a place on the internet where they can be found.
Key
How many men do you think are submissive?
How hard was it for David to reveal to Becky he was submissive?
Anonymous,
not sure if that question was meant for me or Kathy. I'll go ahead and aswer it in case it was for me, if not disregard.
Submissiveness is a sliding scale. Some men are more submissive than others. If you remove societal pressure from the equation I would say (and this is a educated guess) 15-20% of men respond to Female authority with submission. another 15-20% would respond to female authority with deference but retain certain aspects of control and independence while generally accepting she has the better judgment in certain fields, like the finances.
This submissiveness is strictly to the wife or girlfriend. Natural Female Authority may apply to a larger world than the home, and that's certainly a goal behind being a supportive submissive husband, to build up her confidence and help her flourish in a world that tilts against her (patriarchy), but male submission is reserved for a woman he trusts and holds in high regard inside the constructs of a Female Led Relationship. At least that's the subsection I studied and can speak to with some relevance.
Many men who were submissive supporters at home were actually quite dominant at work. They were certainly more respectful and more compatible with female co-workers than the average male, but they saved their deference and adoration for only Her. It's her authority they craved and responded to. It's Her leadership that they respected and fostered.
Considering this, it's hard to say how many men are truly submissive. I could make an argument that for almost every man, there is the right combo of power, intelligence, humor and desire in a woman that could make him submit to her.
Key. How can you tell if a man is submissive what are the signs,and what causes a man to be submissive at what age do they develop submissive feelings.
A valid point Key. Myself and other husbands that are followers of the FLR lifestyle make decisions hourly and daily at our jobs and welcome the shift in power and management to our superior partners. It is a relief and a pleasure to follow instructions and be praised for doing so.
richard s.
Thank you Richard s. It is so nice to see you back.
Love, Kathy
Ooh, good question. Usually they know that responding to a woman's authority is part of their nature, or something they desire by late teens, early 2os.
Some signs: (though these don't necessarily mean he's submissive, the best is to ask!)
Empathetic.
Good listener.
After you ask him to do a task does it from then on out.
Very focused/concerned about your pleasure in sex over their own.
May be reticent to challenge your decisions but not in a fearful way.
Would rather spend vacation money on a place he know you'd be happy at than a place he wants to try.
Some of this is just being a nice husband. Combine it and you could consider them signs.
Richard, I bet it is a relief. Play to different skills at different times.
Steve, thank you so much for sharing. Yes, simply being under the direction of a woman tends to make men more docile. Yesterday, I had two girl friends over for cocktails on the patio.
John, of course, took their drink order, made and served the drinks, and acted like the perfect gentlemen. As he went through the process he became more and more subservient. He served cheese and crackers. Toward the end of the visit he tended to stand and wait for more directions. In a sense he was trying too hard. 'You may go back inside' I had to tell him.
After my friends left I took the opportunity to correct John. For the most he did a very good job of being the waiter. 'You don't, however, just stand there waiting for the next request'' I told him. Then I realized that service in the home is different then in the studio. In the studio men were trained to just stand there, and wait for the next request.
Love, Kathy
Key, thank you sweetie for contributing. I enjoyed your comments. I have never asked a man if he is submissive. My question, do men know if they are submissive? And, are you submissive?
You don't have to answer that, of course, but everyone is wondering if you have a mistress?
My feeling is that if you have a mistress she is a lucky woman. What I have always said is that you can tell a man you would like to kiss by the way he writes. And, from the way you write I believe you would make a very good kisser.
Love, Kathy
Kathy,
We have what we describe as 'attempting to be egalitarian'. I'm not particularly submissive, though I certainly took some of the things I learned from good Female Led Relationships and applied it to my own.
I'm a lucky man, my wife is amazing and I constantly strive to not rest on my laurels, which is another thing the men did in good FLRs. They took nothing for granted.
Kathy, can I ask for anonymous, what signals you think you saw that might have clued you in to the submissive nature of your husband?
I may be reading anonymous' question wrong, but it sounds like they are asking for signs either they or their husband might be submissive. The best way is to ask, of course, but did you see any signs?
I missed one of your questions. I think most men come to understand their submissiveness, but its a personal submission mostly. Not just to every woman they see. Though they likely responded positively to strong female authority figures.
Key,
Thank you sweetie for the response.
Since you are not aware of our personal history, the response will take a little longer than just a quick comment.
I will try to do more of a posting after church.
Love you, Kathy
Yes mistress
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