Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Loss Of Love. Response to Comments

Thank all of you for the comments and for the questions.

Let me take a few minutes to share my prospective.

My take on Larry's comment is a little different. Yes, the social changes of the later part of the last century have allowed women to become what ever they want to be. The prime minister of the United Kingdom as well as Scotland are both females.  We may have a female president in France. This would have been unheard of only a few years ago. However, what we forget is that there have also been restraints on men. Social changes have freed women to be what they want, but men seem to live under the same tired old restrains of the last century? The metaphor I like to use is that women are  allowed to wear pants, but men are not allowed to wear skirts. And yes, there are men, lots of them who would  like to wear a skirt if it were socially acceptable. My husband is one of them. It doesn't mean he is gay, but yes he would like to dress up in pretty clothing.  Some men would like to take on jobs formally held by women if it were socially acceptable. Yet, how many male secretaries do we see.

What I see in femdom is a growing social movement that is focused on men. Femdom is the only social movement I know of that allows for men to surrender them selves to a wife. Just like men resisted changes to the role of women in the last century, women are resisting changes to the role of men. While women want this so called equality with men, they still want the idealized male of the twentieth century? Women do not want to believe that they can hold a man's leash in the palm of their hand, and still respect him as a man. The idea of a man who desires to kneel at the feet of a strong woman is repulsive to most woman. What woman do not understand is that male adoration for the feminine is real. For the submissive male everything feminine is sacred and above him. My husband is happiest  when kneeling in front of me. For him that is the most natural place in the universe.
Do I enjoy living with a loving submissive man? Have I learned to respect him for who he is?
Do I sometimes make decisions without involving him? The answer to all three questions is yes.

One of the things submissive men need to accept is that wives will make decisions without them.
Women, more than men, will talk over things with friends. In dealing with men mistress wives have a tendency to tell rather than ask. Over time we have learned that things tend wo work out better this way. Husbands expect their wives to tell them what to do. When given firm orders my husband will go at lighting speeds. When he has to make household decisions on his own he will flounder. He thinks what does mistress want me to do. Becky tells me it is the same with her husband. She may have an initial discussion about which school is best, but than she simply tells David what she has decided. And, having made the decision she does not expect back talk from him. Back talk she tells me is a punishable offense.

It is my belief that in the modern femdom world men are respected for taking care of the home, their skills in the kitchen, helping with the children, and rendering services to the wife. In general men are to be respected for the pleasure and devotion given to their wives. Assuming that the wife allows them to hold an outside job men are also respected for the financial contributions to the family.
It should be expected that a man will leave his job to follow his wife if she is transferred to another city by her employer. In Becky's home I can see how her husband has learned to live in her shadow.
He does very little, if anything, without her permission. He makes the grocery list, but she approves of it. She directs his time. She doesn't hold a whip over him, but she does monitor his use of time.
And, as a submissive man david wants to know that Becky is indeed holding the other end of his leash. Like most men who blog david wants to know that she not only holds the other end of the leash, but is willing to pull it tight when necessary.  Does she respect him. Yes, among other things for having the courage to live the life that he wants.

Someone asked about the Dream Works. I have seen their web site, but have never spoken to any one who has used their product. It seems  harsh to have to put an electrical impulse device on a man's private parts. My first thought is if a woman needs to go to that extreme than maybe her guy is not submissive. If a woman want to lead or train a submissive man most of them will fall in line easily. Training a man is an act of love. Obeying a woman is also an act of love. However, like fencing in a loving pet so that it doesn't wonder away men need some degree of training and discipline. Like a pet men sometimes need to be leashed. It takes a strong woman to do this. This is especially ture when considering that the life style is still considered different and kinky.

Just my thoughts.

Love, Kathy

21 comments:

Noble Ideal said...

Dear Kathy,

Thank you so much for your blog. I have not commented for some time, but now I would make amends.

I find the discussion in Larry's comments and your response about equality in marriage to be most pertinent, especially in light of a recent conversation I had recently with a woman friend whom I have known, for almost forty years now. Jane (not her real name) has, as long as I have known her been a quintessential feminist. I mean that in the best possible way.

Recently, I have shared with her my submissive tendencies and even shared details of my experiences at events with dominant women. She has been not only open, but has also shown approval, for the sake of my own happiness. A true friend.

But when I discussed with her my ideas about female-led relationships (though I did not use that term), her response was unexpectedly averse. She had told another friend and myself how difficult it was to travel with her partner, who, although an experienced traveler, never took her into consideration, always moving on and never giving her the chance to relax. I suggested that one solution would be to make it a condition of traveling with him that she be in charge. I couldn't do that," she answered definitively. As a result, she preferred not to travel with him. But how ironic, I thought, that a feminist would, de facto, allow him to be in charge when they did travel together, but reooil at the thought of doing so herself. She seemed to me to be committed to an ideal of equality, but which was not actually being realized.

I also explained to her that there were many men who would prefer the woman to be in charge. I pointed to a host of a sports talk radio show who had been a pro football player. In his realm, he was as macho as could be, but as he himself freely acknowledges, at home his wife is the decision-maker. "A happy wife is a happy life," is his motto. Jane was appalled. "That's not a model for a marriage," she opined.

As often as she has complained over the years about an unequal distribution of power toward men in marriage and in our society at large, she herself could not actually contemplate what it would mean to have power, to be in charge.

Most perplexing.

Thanks again.

Noble Ideal

Anonymous said...

Dear Mistress Kathy,
thank you for your post. i agree with you when you say : "Just like men resisted changes to the role of women in the last century, women are resisting changes to the role of men. While women want this so called equality with men, they still want the idealized male of the twentieth century?"
i hope society will change and women and men will be happier.

Michel

Anonymous said...

Evolution, changing, evolving, it is what this world is about. Women taken charge, long overdue, a lot of men know this. It is going to take time, but will evolve and just a part of our lives. I'm a male who needs a woman to take charge, make decisions, and my wife is a part of that new breed. Our marriage is wonderful, could ask for more. By luck or fate we live in a small town, everyone knows everyone, and so the wives get together. After a Saturday morning having coffee with a neighbor, she had a talk with me. What it amounted to was changes, and I would not like, but she sternly said would accept. It was my little boy attitude at times, most men have it, but when they go to far, like I did, it was going to be addressed. As a male, accepting the woman to be in charge I was shocked at first, but accepted, and it has been better around the home, just another step that needed to be taken.

Anonymous said...

Mistress Kathy
You brighten our days. How thoughtful and insightful your remarks are.
Welcome back.
jj

Kathy said...

For Anonymous, thank you for the comment. Some of the readers may wonder what exactly constitutes little boy attitude. For me it is two thing, passive aggressive behavior and pouting. The question for the wives is how to handle it.

Love, Kathy

Kathy said...

For Noble,

Yes, baby, very few woman want power or the responsibility that comes with it. Learning to like being a mistress is a lot like learning to appreciate the taste of oysters. They are both acquired taste. Once, however, a woman acquires the taste she will enjoy oysters forever.


Love, Kathy

Anonymous said...

Anonymous, name is Bob. My wife was raised Old School, we have known one another since junior high. Both come from single mom family, myself one sister and she was an only child. She knew that I spent time over my mother's lap, could not stay out of trouble. Would make fun of me as I would be squirming at school. We dated, she said I never really changed, but we got married anyway. It was maybe a month being married that I heard her say "We need to talk", the first time I just looked at her.
She said she had talked with my mother and was told, either my way, or we get divorced. I said her way and she pointed to the bedroom. She bared my bottom, and I got my first spanking and she was good. It has not changed, her mother knows and mine knows. My wife has a nice paddle, my bare bottom and the paddle have meant many times. So I accept the spankings, can't really say why, but at times the little boy comes out. Yes I pout and complain if something I wish but don't need, I can't buy. She lets me put on my show and once she points the finger I'm in the bedroom and getting scolded, bottom bare and the paddle does the talking.

brian1 said...

I sometimes think male fantasy and femdom porn are impediments to development of female led relationships. So many of us submissive guys or submissive wanna-be's (which I was for years) manage to turn our women away from FLR by trying to turn them into something they are not -- a whip-yielding fantasy Mistress that has little or nothing to do with reality. It's probably best to accept that a FLR, like any relationship, begins with loving a woman as she is and treating her with deep respect. Sure, we sub guys all love the idea of a dominant woman and we would love to have our wife or lover take control of our lives. But the flip side of dominance is submission. It makes far more sense to focus not on changing her into a dominant, but on serving her, deferring to her, pampering her, putting her first, treating her like the superior being that she is. (And if you don't believe she is a superior being, you might as well go back to porn, or hire a pro.) Remember, she is not yours -- you have no right to tell her to become something she isn't just so you can get your jollies. Instead, make yourself hers. Cook the meals. Clean up after. Do the laundry. Clean the dang house. Give her your time and devotion. She will like it, and in time she will come to expect it. And there you are! In a nutshell, don't tell her you are submissive. Show her.

Alex said...

Ms. Kathy,

I want to touch 3 subjects.

Why did you title this new series "Loss of Love"? Do you think the central subject is that boys are scared of rejection and loss of love if they do admit to being submissive? I ask that because it would seem that while that might be a problem, it is not the biggest problem -- I think the more Femdom is accepted out in the open the less that is a problem and also that that problem normally is only there with established couples but for people who don't yet have a couple the problem is finding one.

2) I think the question about the Dreamlover Lab wasn't totally clear. I think it was NOT "what do you think of this product, should it be necessary?" but "what do you think of it as a fun thing to add to your arsenal for play or for using to punish NOW AND THEN?"

3) I also wanted to ask you more about gender role reversals (one of my favorite subjects!). You do say that hey, why would Women expect men to be the same old 20th century males?!?! That is SO WISE! I think that makes all the sense in the world to me. You say "why aren't they doing more of the so called traditional Female jobs? "Why don't they wear skirts?" And, my favorite, "they will be appreciated for their kitchen work, pleasing the Woman and IF THE WOMAN ALLOWS THEM TO WORK OUTSIDE THE HOME then for their financial contributions to the family" WOOOW! You are melting me just with your words there! That is EXACTLY how I envision gender roles in a healthy Femdom marriage, only taking it a bit further "And don't vote or take active roles in politics".
But I want to ask this: Would you encourage full gender role reversals for some couples? What if the Woman really wants it? What if she's OK with it? Should "boys" be called just "boys" no matter their age and Women not be called "Girls" when they are adults? Should boys be worried about being visually pleasing to Women, whatever that means to them (Women)? Should boys take their Wives lastnames in marriage? Should there be something akin to the "Ms. / Mrs." distinction for boys? Should boys learn to be the second sex?

Of course, my answer to all the above would be YES! YES! YES! but I need to hear Your opinion.

Anonymous said...

My wife would correct me, a habit even when we were dating. She would smile and say you need direction at times. I did not mind, but thought for along time if I approach her when a desire of mine, but in a way she would not know. One Sunday morning prior to church I walked into the kitchen, naked, she looked and smiled, cute, but we need to go to church first. I know I said, but your need to correct me, tells me I being a naughty little boy and so naughty little boys are spanked, are they not. What came next was a shock, glad you brought that up young man, and your right, over my lap and I did and regretted, she was soundly spanking my bare bottom and when done, told to get ready for church. I squirmed in the pews, I know some saw and I just wanted to get home. At home she laid down the rules of the house, said long overdue, and spankings were to be a common thing. I stood and said nothing, now she said get to the bedroom. We did have a wonderful time, my bottom sore, I finally said I've been wanting a spanking, she hugged me tight and said she knew, just waiting for the right time. Spankings are common, punishment, no sex, relationship improved, even have more money since she took over. She does save the worse spankings for Sunday morning, if I wish to be a very naughty little boy, then it best you sit on those hard pews and think of what you did, and squirm, but know someone will see. Jack

Kathy said...

Alex, you are a little sweetheart, but you ask a lot of questions that I really don't have the answers for. Except for one thing. Gender reversal or not I believe it is good and healthy for men to remain in the workplace. Contributing to the financial support of the family is important to the ego of most men. Yes, boys or men are concerned about being visually pleasing to women. This is a special concern for older men who have a tendency to gain weight. In the studio all of the men were given a little slave name. John's name was jellybean because he was a bit overweight. In those years he put himself on a fairly strict diet. At the time I didn't know the reason, but simply appreciated that he was taking care of himself.
When a man knows he will be parading himself nude in front of women he watches his diet. As for dream lover products I believe they are meant for serious training rather than play. Alex, you are letting your fantasy ideas take hold of you. And, for the most part women do not want gender role reversals except they do like the idea of a man who can cook. Love you, Mistess

Kathy said...

Yes, brian, the entire stereotype of the submissive male is a big turn off for women. Most of the blogs are a turn off. In the rear of our home we have a fairly large two car garage. The garage had always been John's little hang out where he could work with his tools. When we were separated there was some need for me to go into the garage to find a tool or something. I 'happened' onto his stash of femdom magazines which had been hidden in a tool draw. They were disgusting. Instead of throwing them away I brought them in the house. When John came back home I took them out. I showed him the magazines and page by page asked him why he liked what he was looking at. It was a very embarrassing experience for him. Then I suggested that we should leave the magazines out on a coffee table so that our friends could see what he liked to read. 'Would you like that' I asked. His response was no mistress. Well in that case you will destroy them one by one, page by page, I told him. But first you will eat the first page of each of the magazines just so you know how distasteful they are. Over a period of a few weeks he did eat much of the first age of each of these magazines. It took time but he finally understood how distasteful these magazines were for women. Love, Kathy

brian1 said...

Thank you, Goddess Kathy, for your posts and for your response to my message. I very much love the story you shared about the magazines! Your response was perfect. He is a very lucky guy to be a part of your life.

You put it succinctly: "the entire stereotype of the submissive male is a big turn off for women." For my Mistress-wife it was the fantasy-based stereotype of "submissive male," and not my attentive service, that turned her away from my naive hopes. So I just went with the flow and kept treating her very, very well. She's a busy woman with a lot of responsibility, while I am able to work at home. It made sense from the beginning that I serve. Over time she came to love being pampered and served, and I made it quite clear that I believe with all my heart that she deserves it. (Now I no longer work except as her servant and house keeper, which suits us both really well. That decision was hers.) Anyway, I did introduce her to the concept of FLR once she had grown accustomed to the fact that I am willing to act as servant. She read your blog and a couple of others. An important book for her was "The Hesitant Mistress: A Guide to Claiming Your Feminine Power" by Dvanna Hightower. Your blog and these kinds of readings helped our relationship develop organically into what is now a Mistress/slave relationship. I live now under strict supervision with regular discipline. In an indirect way, this is sort of like the fantasies I used to have before I met her, except for one key fact. Our relationship is not based at all on fantasy, but on real love for one another. Love is an act. By pledging my devotion and serving in ways that make sense, I am loving her. By expecting devotion and holding me accountable for my service, she is loving me.

Anonymous said...

Ms. Kathy,

1) Thanks for your reply.

2) I HATE "most of the blogs" on Femdom. They're disgusting. I don't want to even get into the details.

Noble Ideal said...

Dear Kathy,

Thank you for your response to my comment. It's so sweet when you call me "baby."

If I may extend your insightful metaphor, what submissive men really want is a woman who really likes the taste of oysters.

With gratitude,

Noble Ideal

Anonymous said...

Mistress Kathy,
Thank you so much for your insight. Your point that women have been allowed to grow their boundaries but men's have been required to live in the same stereotype is profound. In fact it is what I believe I struggle most with in my relationship. Yes I am submissive, yes I desire to serve but the confusion between society and my reality are two different things. Fact is there are days when I don't want to serve. Days I want to be selfish and do what I want. There are also days when I can't serve when my job doesn't allow it in fact requires the exact opposite. These days don't make me less submissive or a wannabe it is just my reality. It is the reason I need training and discipline from my wife. We talk a lot about role reversal but the simple truth is there are still many of us whose family depends on their checks to provide our lifestyle. I am not a perfect submissive husband but I know this and that is a start. Mistress Kathy your blog helps me keep my focus and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Ur Bobo

Anonymous said...

Hi Ms. Kathy,

Over on "Im-Hers" blog you mentioned that you have your John wear his collar sometimes when you travel. Could you describe his collar? It's been something I have wanted to ask my wife about getting for me. The one I wear at home when cleaning is a leather number with a big D ring in the front. Not sure that would work in the outside world!! :)
Love your blog.

Kathy said...


Thank all of you for the comments. When john cane home, I became his mistress. The first rule was no more porn, and no more hiding things. We started the practice of the daily conversation. It was very intimate talk without the distractions of television or radio. It was a time for us to be together mentally and spiritually.
No matter what the conversation I assure John that I love him. I assure him that he belongs to me heart and soul, and remind him that he remains my slave. It seems strange to most people, but men want to be reminded that they do belong to a woman who loves them. From the comments on Femdom 101 it is apparent that most of you want to be owned as well as loved. You want to belong to a woman who is confident enough to provide both guidance and control in daily living. Love, Kathy

richard s said...

Mistress Kathy,

I am confused. You stat that John is your slave. Surely that is not a prerequisite (?) to being in a FLR. My wife is both my wife and my partner. Yes she gives ne tasks and expects them completed to her satisfaction or I am then punished. She makes the final decisions after affording me to give my opinion. She sets the schedules and determines what I will wear both to work and around the house. She buys my clothes with no input from me including my panties.
A slave to me is a piece of property devoted to commands. I am cuckold but because I wish to be, not forced to be.
with respect for even questioning,

richard s

Anonymous said...

Ms. Kathy,

I recemtly met a Dominant Female who told me she thinks it-s appropiate to train submissives in the art of pleasuring Women since a young age using the whip. She told me boys learn better when a Female authority figure holds their leash tight (those were her words) and that the whip is the best teacher. I thought she meant punishment for bad behavior but she made herself very clear, she saus the whip SHOULD be administered strongly even just for underperfomance (such as not dancing well, serving a less than excellent meal and even being just good for personal, intimate service). I was really taken back by her comments but really didn't contradict her. At some point she told me "stop fighting it, you are submissive and I am Dominant. I can pretty much decide to do whatever I want and if you are true to yourself you'll obey meekly, like a mouse!" I wanted to protest but her presence was melting me away and all I hoped for, really, was that if I did protest she would find a way to show me she-s boss.

Ms. Kathy, I feel confused. Women like that make me get out of my comfort zone and melt me away. But, how safe are they? Do I really want to be with someone like that? One thing is for sure, my heart beats faster every time I think of her.

Kathy said...

I will be away from the blog for a little while longer, but it is important to separate the fantasy of female dominance from the reality. It is also important to separate loving female authority from abusiveness. Love, Kathy